Page 91 of Playing to Win

The elevator doors open and she steps inside. I don’t follow.

* * * *

I decide to walk from the studio, knowing it is miles from home. I don’t care. I take off my suit jacket and hold it over my shoulder, my other hand in my pants pocket, as the sun beats down on me. After a while, I reach my street but I keep walking. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t need to see Izzy packing to leave. I don’t need to know she’s only two doors away from me but will be gone by tomorrow.

My goddamn shoes start blistering my feet but I keep walking, all the while remembering why I prefer to wear sneakers. Without realizing, I find myself in Central Park. I sit on a bench, alone, watching families and tourists smile and laugh, watching Rollerbladers and runners zip by me.

She’s right. We are two very different people. But I don’t believe what she said about social circles and handbags. She hates those people. She’s so much better than those people. They put her down, made her feel like shit. And we do have things in common, so much. Music, movies, sports, exercise. She challenges me. I thought I hated that at first; then I realized she makes me feel alive.

But she does deserve to be someone’s number one and right now, I can’t figure out how to make room for her. She isn’t just talking about Cady; she’s talking about all the other shit inside me. I’m lost. I’ve been lost for eighteen years because I’ve been so focused on Alice. Every move I’ve made, every thought I’ve had, Alice has been in there somewhere. Alice. Alice who broke my heart.

Sitting here, I see the difference between Alice and Izzy. I feel it. Izzy has caused a different kind of hurt. Not deeper or more painful, just different.

But it ended the same. She’ll go back to the life she hates, with her parents telling her who she can and can’t date.

This time, I won’t just accept it. Things are going to change.

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