Page 7 of Until Beckett

“Yeah, that sounds good,” I replied as I picked up the dirty clothes in one hand. “I’ll sort these out too while I’m at it,” I uttered as I braced my other hand against the floor and pushed myself to stand up from my knelt position.

“Perfect teamwork,” Corey replied as he headed toward the bedroom before Mila snuggled into his neck. “That’s what the two of us are—perfect together.”

My stomach churned with butterflies at the thought of knowing how wrong it was to think of Corey as anything more than my best friend but in that second, I couldn’t help it. I wish that he could have been mine but it would never happen. I was here as his support and help through this difficult time in his life. I had to get used to that and quickly.

* * *

It tooka little while for Mila to stop fussing before the silence descended into the house and I knew she had finally settled down for a sleep. In the time it had taken for him to comfort her I had returned with a new shirt on my back, put a load into the washer and disposed of the cold food in the trash. I did hate food wastage, but I couldn’t risk reheating the chicken up—I wasn’t letting either of us get sick. Then I pulled out the contents of what I found within the fridge and got to work preparing us a sandwich each to have.

I never knew a ham salad sandwich could taste so fucking delicious.

“Mmm.” Corey groaned the moment he took a bite as his eyes shut as he tilted his head toward the ceiling and he chewed the piece slowly before his throat worked through the motions before he swallowed the piece. I’d never seen something so fucking delicious and tempting before as he tipped his head back down and his eyelashes fluttered at me before he reopened them. “Fuck, that’s a good sandwich.”

“You really think so?” I chuckled as I took a bite of my own sandwich suddenly realizing what all the fuss Corey had been making earlier was totally true. It was a simple sandwich but probably the best I’d had in a while. Why did the simplest things always taste the best? I’ll take the credit for it though with the extra spices I’d added into the mayonnaise. “It’s just something simple I put together.”

“Yeah but it means a lot to me,” Corey replied as he glanced up at me. “You just seem to know exactly what I need. Even when I feel like everything is crashing down around me,” he bluntly admitted, knocking the air from my lungs. I knew it had been tough since Isabella, but I thought he’d been making steady progress. I didn’t realize he actually felt so low about things lately. “It doesn’t matter what’s happening around us at that moment but you see me.”

“You’re not hard to see, Corey.” I turned my body toward him before putting my plate down on the table. “If anything, you wear your heart on your sleeve for me to see. I just wish you’d tell me about what was keeping you from resting at night,” I pleaded with him. “I hate seeing you so broken and in pain.”

“Can’t you guess?” Corey choked out, his hand reaching out for mine as his fingers covered mine and he tightened his grip, releasing all the pain he felt inside straight to my very core. “You know me so well; you know my pain and you know…” he dropped his head low. “You know what my fears and panics are. That—”

I gulped harshly and nodded back at Corey instantly knowing inside my heart what was going on in his nightmares. He was reliving that moment of loss over and over again in his mind but instead of Isabella leaving him this time he was losing every person he cared about. In my heart I knew if the nightmares didn’t settle then I would need to be the person that mentioned the possibility of him reaching out for more than just my help. I wouldn’t leave him; I could never do that, but the additional support from someone who could help him sort out what he’d been through. It would help him see that he’d been through a trauma and it was okay to panic but having support of people through this time could ease the burden on his shoulders.

“I won’t make you say it out loud,” I said to him, taking in his tear-filled eyes. “Just letting me in this far is enough for now but you know I’m here,” I whispered to him. “I’m always here day and night.”

“Okay.” He forced the words out as his cheeks pinkened slightly. “I’ll come to you if I need you.”

I just hoped that he did. That his words meant something deep down because I didn’t care about anything else but him and that beautiful princess fast asleep in her crib. I just needed Corey to realize that, hopefully sooner rather than later.

FOUR

COREY

I was sick of all the rough times that came with being a dad. Where were the smiles and enjoyment that so many new parents spoke about? Maybe that was because they had each other to lean on and I only had myself and the support of my best friend to help me through these times.

It made me think of how amazing a mother Isabella would’ve been…

I never thought a baby cutting their first tooth would be this tiresome. I’d gone back to looking like a scruffy, unshaven mess again. This time, though, Beckett was on par for challenging me for the longest number of days of going unshaven. We were both a mess all because of the tiny, pink bundle of joy who was struggling so much. My heart went out to her, and all I wanted to do was take away the pain she was in.

It seemed like weeks—scrap that, more like a fucking month—since Beckett discovered that hard lump pressing under my precious, princess’s gum, and it still didn’t want to break through that barrier of skin.

Beckett and I had even gone to the extremes of taking turns to ensure we both got a slight bit of rest. I’d told him to rest his eyes as he’d taken the last shift and allowed me a few precious hours in the rocking chair earlier—screw the fact it wasn’t meant to be slept in and definitely wasn’t comfortable and my back would probably growl with aches and pains later. I took Mila into the living room and turned on the white noise machine, applied some teething gel, and hoped the comfort of my arms and her little blanket would settle her soon because my eyes felt like they were starting to droop from the movement alone.

I wasn’t expecting her to continue fighting me though.

I understood she was tired too, but the moment her eyes shut, I slowly crept into my bedroom and realized Beckett must have been so tired he must have drifted off on top of my comforter on my side of the bed instead of managing to make his way to his own room.

I wasn’t about to be a dick and wake him up—he looked so peaceful—so I placed the sleeping princess in her crib before reaching for a blanket and laying it over him, taking slightly longer than normal as my hand caressed his cheek accidentally. I’d noticed lately how I’d become more attuned to Beckett; I couldn’t help but want to feel that comfort and warmth of him. At first it was an accident, but now I’d realized whenever I could touch him without him noticing, brush my hand against him even, I took the chance.

The first few times it felt like I was hurting Isabella’s memory, but now it was more inquisitive mannerisms and looped thoughts about Beckett and the person he was to me.

I’d always seen him as someone to rely on and to support me, but now, around my little girl, an ache existed, and I couldn’t understand what that meant. Was it wrong? Was it Isabella telling me I needed to stand strong again as the man she knew me as?

I don’t know, but the itch and thought just wouldn’t leave me alone.

I glanced at the empty place next to Beckett on the bed and rubbed my sore, tired eyes, thinking how exhausted I was, and decided to climb in on the other side of the bed. I turned over onto my side, desperate for those precious moments of shut eye, and prayed that when I woke up this hell would be over for my princess and a little white bud of a tooth would be showing, easing that tightness and pain—plus our sanity. The moment my eyes screwed shut, the whimpered tones from Mila’s mouth started up again. I held my breath counting and hoping for a miracle. Then I heard the pure silence as the crib started rocking from side to side.

I could feel the emotions welling up inside of me and imagined the tremble of her rosebud lips as her chubby hands reached up for me and her gaze searched around for my brown eyes, knowing she was suddenly going to cry loudly and destroy the seconds of calmness we’d just had.

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