Page 9 of Until Beckett

“That was—” I gasped out just as whimpers came through the monitor. “Fuck.” I ran my hand through my hair as an instant ball of dread at what I’d done hit me deep in my chest. I jumped off the bed and grabbed some tissues, before quickly cleaning myself up and throwing them in the trash can, then wrestling my clothes on in a super-fast lightning fashion. “She needs me.”

“I’ll meet you in there. Give me five,” Beckett said, obviously reading me like a book, as I shook my head.

“Just give me a little space to think, yeah?” I said as I walked out of the room with the monitor in my hand. “I’m okay, Beckett. Really,” I lied through my teeth as I opened the door with the monitor and stepped toward my room, ignoring him calling my name.

My daughter needed me.

I couldn’t deal with anything else.

I had to compartmentalize, because at this very second, the pain of betrayal spreading through my body was too much.

I’d just cheated on my wife’s memory with my best friend, who I’d somehow caught feelings for.

The thing was, he was a guy, and I was straight.

How the fuck had I gone and messed my life up so spectacularly? I needed to fix this and fast. But the thing was, how?

FIVE

BECKETT

I’d somehow managed to hide my thoughts and emotions over this man in front of me for years.

I was the person who was standing by his side as his best man on his wedding day.

I was the guy he told his darkest secrets to, and he was my own confidant in life—except for one thing, one truth that had remained hidden within my own heart, sacred for my own mind and thoughts only.

A truth laid so deep within my soul that I was scared that if it ever came to light, it could ruin everything we had.

I knew I couldn’t be the man to reveal that to him and destroy his world.

Corey was the man I’d selfishly kept close as I loved, cherished, and desired him from afar but in reality, always wanted to claim as my own.

I never expected him to be the one to cross that line and for my feelings to ever potentially be reciprocated. Could this just be a call for attention? A test in which my loyalty should have been shown and my restraint put up rather than my resolve broken?

I should have been firm. I should have refused, but when the heart has been locked in a world of unspoken longing for so long and temptation is hung before you—it’s impossible to deny yourself that opportunity. Ask anyone? Now, I must deal with whatever consequences may come from it, and I’m hoping that doesn’t mean losing Corey from my life forever. In my heart though I knew I’d instantly head back to the way things were if it was a choice between having him in my life or not.

I’d cleaned myself up in the en-suite bathroom before getting myself dressed and lying back down on the bed and sniffing in long-held draws of Corey’s woodland-toned aftershave as it lingered in the air. I couldn’t help but stare up at the ceiling, bracing my fingers behind my head as I listened to Mila’s sobs as she cried out just across the hall from me. It may have seemed wrong, that as I closed my eyes, I could envision the exact motions Corey would be doing with his princess—the pacing, the rocking, the burping, even the tickling under her chin—but I knew I couldn’t disrespect his wishes and intrude to help settle her. He wanted space to think, and I could understand that. I knew Corey, and I knew he’d be dissecting his thoughts moment by moment and wondering what this meant in the long run.

Yes, he needed time in this second, but once the little princess was asleep, we had to have a conversation. The last thing either of us needed was distance, and if I had to chase him, then I would.

* * *

Why the fuckwas it light?I scrunched my eyes up at the intrusion of the bright light hitting my vision and stretched my muscles before dragging my weary body to a sitting position and rubbing my hands over my face, hoping it would wake me up. I must have dozed off, my body succumbing to its own tiredness, and crashing on its own accord as I waited for Mila to settle down so I could talk to Corey.

I forced myself to stand up, quickly stretching the knots out from my aching muscles and awaiting the clicks and cracks to ease the strain as my gaze locked on the open bedroom door that was earlier closed after Corey left me alone last night.

Had he returned to see me and noticed I was asleep? He couldn’t have. I mean, I would have recognized his presence, surely, and he said he wanted space.

“Corey!” I shouted, not caring how early in the morning it was or if Mila was still sleeping; I could wake her and he’d go running. Maybe then she’d actually settle in the night, and we’d soon get a full night’s rest once that dreadful tooth cut through. “Corey! Where are you, man?” I shouted again as my feet took me straight out of the guest bedroom through the eerily, quiet house to where he slept. “I’m sorry, I must have drifted off, but if you want to pass me the monitor—”

I froze the moment I reached his open bedroom door and peeked inside, my heart rate instantly notching up in pace at the sight before me. The room was pristine. It was spotless. Corey’s bed was made, with perfect corner folds and not a crease to be found on the comforter, and the blinds drawn open, allowing the bright sunlight to crack through and brighten up the whole room.

An instant sense of dread washed over me as I sucked in large gulps of air and forced myself into the living room, already knowing what I was about to find but hoping I would be wrong.

“Corey.” I sighed deeply. “Where are you?” I glanced around the room and looked at the time. It may be bright outside, but it was still early. He may have taken Mila for a walk. Yes, that’s got to be it. He could have gone to grab some milk for a coffee and a spot of fresh air. I know how much he needs a cup of the stuff in the morning to even focus.

I tried to steady my shaking hands and forced myself into the kitchen, knowing all I could do was wait until he returned. I headed over and opened the kitchen cupboard door and took out a glass from the shelf before closing it and grabbing myself the carton of orange juice out of the fridge and pouring myself a glass.

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