Page 2 of Until Beckett

I had to accept the pain that was traveling through my body no matter how hard it was to do.

I couldn’t comprehend how my heart could still be beating away in my chest but she had left me here alone. My mouth couldn’t formulate any meaningful words to express what I meant.

All I knew was that somewhere in this hospital my daughter was fighting on her own without a mommy or daddy by her side to stay in this world…

And at this moment I didn’t know what I wanted. What I needed to do. I was just completely numb.

How could I look at that fragile little bundle knowing that Isabella fought so hard for her to survive but in the process lost her own life due to complications no one could have seen. The woman I fell in love with and wanted to bring another life into this world with. If I’d known she’d be cruely taken away from me then I’d never have risked trying for a family and remained content with it being just the two of us for the rest of our days.

The thing was it had happened and I couldn’t change anything about it, Mila was a part of us both though. The only thing left in this world that reminded me of her, was a part of her.

How could I think straightwhen my beautiful, fiery, red-headed woman was gone… dead? What else really mattered anymore? Certainly not me.

I decided right then it wasn’t like my life mattered anymore,as the moment Isabella took her last breath,she took my soul with her, leaving behind a hollow, empty shell of a man, walking around without a purpose or care to guide him.

Time seemed to pass by at a snail’s pace between Isabella’s death and her funeral. I didn’t know what to do with myself or anything else for that matter. Beckett was the person who was there for me every step of the way. He was there for me when Isabella’s parents arrived and were told the news and also when I told them to leave and that I couldn’t stand to have them here without her in my presence. I knew it was a harsh thing to do, and that it was the anger and guilt talking, but I needed to process everything that was going on too. Beckett knew exactly what he had to do to keep me from falling into an abyss so dark where I would succumb fully to my pain. I mean, he knew me too well. He knew I was on the brink of falling into the depths, but with his guidance, he kept me from losing myself in the pit of no return.

He pushed me into the bathroom and made sure I forced myself to shower as he cleaned the house, so everything didn’t go into a state of disrepair. He helped me with the funeral arrangements and made sure I spoke to Isabella’s parents, involving them and apologizing for my attitude at the time when we lost her.

He made me visit my daughter.

I choked at that every time. I kept wondering if I’d walk out of that hospital forever without her too one day. If the moment I saw her on one of my visits, the doctor would have bad news about her and not the positive we’d been receiving of late.

My tiny, little girl was still covered in wires and in a plastic container with machines monitoring her every move. She weighed around twenty ounces when she was born and she was struggling to thrive. It was just one complication after another. I didn’t know how much more I could take. Life was fucking cruel… so cruel. I was scared shitless with worry to get close to her, knowing that fate could end up destroying the last bit of light that existed within me. That’s if I even allowed myself to try to reach for it and…

I didn’t dare stop and think about it. I just couldn’t. Not at this moment.

I knew that the time to think about what’s next was fast approaching but first I had to get through the funeral that was happening tomorrow.

* * *

“It wasgood of everyone to take the time to come along and support you today, wasn’t it, Corey?” Beckett asked as I carried on placing the empty bottles and rubbish into the trash can—anything to keep my mind away from the reality of what I’d just endured. “Corey, I asked—”

“I heard you, man,” I snapped out, cutting him off. “Yeah, it was nice that Hardin and Anthony made the journey to my wife’s funeral. It was lovely that they could be here and by my side without trying to kill each other every five minutes. I really appreciate that they made that effort for me,” I continued, hissing out the words without stopping to take a breath. “You know—”

“Corey… I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it,” Beckett uttered back in a distressed tone as he ran his hand through his short, brown hair and gripped the ends at the back of his neck tightly as his eyelids fluttered shut for a moment. “I was trying to—”

“I-I know you didn’t, but I just had to b-bury my w-wife,” I stammered out trying my hardest to find an ounce of strength within me, but I knew the battle within me was already long lost. “Our daughter, according to the doctors at the hospital, is a fighter, and with the way she’s progressing should be home in the next month or two, and I’m…” I dropped my head, knowing the tears had started to form behind my eyes yet again and it wouldn’t be long before they cascaded down my cheeks. I didn’t realize that I could have any more tears left to give after the amount I’d let flow today. “I’m her dad.” I forced the words out. “I can’t fucking do this, man. I’d be rocking in the corner with a long beard and dirty clothes, probably not having showered in a week, and eaten the last scraps of old food from the back of the fridge if you hadn’t been here. How the fuck am I meant to ensure she gets what she needs? I mean, you have to go back to work at the school too at some point.”

“I’m on long-term leave, and—” Beckett blew out a long breath before patting me on the shoulder and squeezing it gently. “You’re my best friend, Isabella was part of my life too, you know,” he whispered. “She’s been around us both for so long and…” he continued. “What I’m saying is you’re my best friend and I’d never leave you here to struggle, even if that meant me moving in here and helping you with Mila when she’s released from the hospital.” He chuckled, turning away from me as he began to head toward the kitchen.

I dropped my mouth open in shock as I thought long and hard for a second and instantly knew what I needed to do. If Beckett wasn’t needed back at the school yet, then…

“Beckett, do you mean that?” I asked him quickly before the moment was lost and I’d lost my nerve.

“Which part?” he replied, squinting his eyes at me.

“The moving in part. The part about work?” I rambled back at him. “Would you really want to move in and help me and Mila?”

“Absolutely, man,” Beckett admitted without pausing for a second. “You’d do the same for me. If you want me here, then just say the word and I’ll pack my suitcase and we can get to work baby proofing this place.”

“Do it,” I uttered as the words turned to a plea. “Please. The sooner the better. I can’t bear to be alone any longer.”

“You’ll never be alone,” Beckett replied. “You have a beautiful girl who needs you, and I’ll always be here, man.”

“Thank you,” I said as I let out a sigh of relief before dropping the trash bag to the floor and heading straight to the bedroom to wrap myself up in my wife’s blanket and lie on our bed.

Beckett may have just lifted a weight off my shoulders in one aspect of my life but… I was still drowning.

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