Page 121 of Poetry of Flowers

You made me a parent when I needed mine,

Made me an adult before I got the chance to be a child.

My childhood ended the moment you left.

I never asked you to stay,

You didn’t need more pain in your life.

I just wished you had tried to be there,

Had not made me into my brother’s mother.

It’s not easy to forgive,

But you fought hard to change.

I see the effort in what you do.

I hear the effort in your words.

I can never forget,

But I can forgive.

I forgive you, Dad.

ChapterForty-One

MATILDA

The day my father returned from rehab, things returned to normal.

He had done well and a part of him had really healed in there, even when it had taken him longer than planned.

The other part will forever remain broken.

It scared me somewhat to see him again, the real him. There was always this hope that under the mask of liquor he could still be the man who once had tea parties with me.

What if I was just being naïve?

No.

We’d be optimistic today.

Dad was coming back, sober and happy. At least he had sounded happy on the phone yesterday and was excited to see us all again.

“Thank you for driving me.” I kissed my boyfriend’s cheek before I hopped out of the car at the cemetery.

It had been almost two months since I last visited her. The last time was the day before we drove to Chicago.

With time, I realized that my mother wasn’t there anymore. I was almost certain that her soul had found rest a long time ago. Her grave held nothing more but her body. Talking to the headstone was still painful. And I decided that I wouldn’t continue coming here so often. My mother would always be in my heart, and I didn’t need to be surrounded by other grieving people to feel connected to her.

As I looked at the familiar grayish stone, I smiled softly.

“Hi Maman.”

I sat down and placed the flowers in the tiny stone vase next to the headstone.

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