Page 20 of Poetry of Flowers

My father stood up and grabbed his car keys.

I once didn’t let go of his arm when I was thirteen because I didn’t want him to drive us home after a birthday party we attended.

The day before, we had talked in school about why you shouldn’t drive intoxicated. I thought we were all going to die as soon as he started the engine.

Nothing happened that time except for my heart beating out of my chest.

“I’m going to take Remy over to Cecily’s house and explain it to him in the best way possible,” he told me before turning around and walking out the front door, slamming it on his way out.

Just standing there, I felt like all the air got just soaked out of the room the moment my father had slammed the door shut.

My hand was shaking as I brought it up over my mouth to silence the sob, I felt creeping up my throat. I wasn’t sick, I wasn’t only surviving. I hated him for blaming me when the conversation should have been about him.

He didn’t even remember that my birthday was this week. I was going to be completely alone on my seventeenth birthday.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I slowly sat down in the middle of our floor and pulled my knees against my body.

Quietly, I let it happen. I let the emotions out. I had convinced myself a long time ago that they weren’t there, but they were.

I heard footsteps running down the stairs, and suddenly, I remembered that I wasn’t alone. Autumn knelt down beside me and took my face in her hands.

“Oh Tillie,” she pulled me in her arms and kissed my forehead.

“I’m here, little cousin, I’m here,” she whispered as my quiet sobs choked me. I didn’t want to cry; I didn’t want to give in to those feelings. I just wanted to keep them inside me.

This was when I recalled my father’s words.

Maybe we’ll sell the house and settle down somewhere smaller.

No. He couldn’t do that. This was where Mom measured our heights each month on the living room wall. I didn’t want to forget her.

“I hate him,” I cried against my cousin’s shoulder as she held me in her arms, gently rocking us both.

“You don’t hate him, you hate his actions,” Autumn whispered and I nodded.

“I do.” Slowly, I lifted my head away from her shoulder and stood up. My legs almost gave out under me.

“Hey, you don’t have to keep it together for me,” my cousin told me softly.

“I’m fine, I don’t want this,” I mumbled and walked over to the sink, splashing cold water into my face. I had makeup on and knew I probably looked like a ghost in a scary movie now.

“But it’s okay, emotions are-”

“I said I don’t want this, respect it, Autumn,” I told her sternly.

She just wanted to help me, and I reacted like an asshole, I hated myself. “I’m sorry,” I apologized, but she shook her head.

“No, it’s okay, I shouldn’t push you. But just so you know, I’m always here for you.”

I nodded and dried my hands and face with the towel below our sink, and then I turned to hug her.

Autumn stroked my hair and kissed my temple.

“You’re not alone, Tillie. We are all here for you,” she whispered.

“He’s going to rehab,” I told her while we were still wrapped in each other’s arms.

“Remy is staying at your house, and I will be here, alone, for thirty days if I'd like to.”

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