Page 86 of Poetry of Flowers

“You’re utterly beautiful, and I can’t get over it.”

I lifted her chin up with my fingers, forcing her to look at me.

“You know what I can’t get over?”

“What can’t you get over, Kayden?”

“That your soul was made for loving me.” Leaning down, I kissed her, this time softly because we had all the time in the world. The kisses before this one had been fast and felt like our time was running out, but the world seemed timeless alone with the right person.

My right person was Matilda Avril.

I lowered us both onto the small bed.

I kissed her throat again, but she stopped me.

“Let me go on top, I can kiss you better when I can lean down,” she said.

I nodded and slid a hand in behind her back, so I could swap our positions until she was straddling me.

Her warm fingers stroked my sides when she bent down to my cheek for the first time.

I closed my eyes and let this moment last forever.

It has been a long time since we had both been this happy. Both of us deserved this moment, this night.

Tillie moved slowly down to my chest, sucking on my skin and making me wonder where she had learned all of this.

It felt perfect.

“Was I your first kiss?” I asked as she touches me above my heart that is beating a mile a minute in my chest.

She stroked over the left side of my chest with her thumb. “You would have known if you weren’t, just like I know I’m not your first kiss or your first… Well, I’m never going to be your first, but that’s okay.”

I brushed a streak of hair behind her ear. “You’re my first love.”

Those words felt harder to say than I thought. It wasn’t the meaning behind those words that scared me or because I feared they weren’t true. That wasn’t it, they were the truest words I had ever said. It was the fear of the wrong timing.

What if she felt pressured, and I had ruined everything because I told her I loved her at the wrong time?

What if my broken mind would hurt her someday?

“You never loved anyone before me?” She was now lying on my chest, just looking at me as her fingers continued to draw little circles on my skin.

I looked at the ceiling as I thought about her question. I felt Tillie lay her head on my chest, and I twirled her hair around my fingers.

“No, I kissed people, and I had sex with them, but we both knew this wouldn’t go further. There was this one girl, Ida. Her boyfriend had broken up with her a week before, and she was looking for a distraction. We met at one of my father’s events and slept with each other. It happened three times before she got back together with her boyfriend. I didn’t mind, even when I had tried to find a spark between us, there was nothing. From then on, I knew betraying myself by trying to love someone other than you wouldn’t get me anywhere.”

I will forever be thankful to Ida because she made me realize lying to myself would never make me happy.

A life without Tillie would never make me happy.

“How long have you been in love with me?” Her voice was still soft. For some reason, I had expected anger. Anger was always the first thing I expected from anyone.

Patrick was always angry with me.

The parental love you receive forms you, and that’s what he did, he formed me to believe everyone was always angry with me.

“I have loved you since we were thirteen. No, I always loved you, but the feeling changed when I was thirteen, I believe.” There were too many lies between us already. At least she deserved this truth now.

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