Page 112 of Poetry of Flowers

“Don’t say that. I love you. I love you more than anything in this world. Without you, nothing would make sense anymore.”

“Don’t say that, you will regret your words when I tell you the truth about that night nine years ago.”

I lifted my head off his chest. “What night?” There was only one night I remembered like it was yesterday that happened nine years ago, but that didn’t make sense.

“My father lives here in Chicago.”

Oh.

“So that was the real reason why we went on this trip? You used my birthday as an excuse, but why?” I wasn’t going to pretend it didn’t hurt to hear that the trip had not been for me. But I was not even angry, only hurt.

“No- I mean yes, my first intention was to find him, and Theo came up with the idea of taking you all with me, and I thought it would make you happy to experience a world outside from home. Trust me, I wanted to tell you about everything, but when I saw you crying that day, I didn’t want to bring you even more pain. The opportunity to give you a reason to smile that day was too good.”

“You lied to me because you wanted to make me smile, oh Kayden… this, us … it’s not only me. I could have been there for you if you had told me. You don’t always need to hold your pain back, that’s not how love works.”

Love meant that two people were there for one another, it meant to love unconditionally and no one was more important than your significant other. Kayden put my feelings over his own, and that wasn’t okay, he deserved comfort too.

“I should have told you, but could bring myself to do it.”

“That’s okay, I’m not angry.” I sat up and kissed him to make him feel me. I tasted mostly water in my mouth, as if my lips hadn’t truly touched his.

“I’m here, we can find him together and when we go back home you can live with me, we’re going to fix all of this. I’m going to make you happy like you did with me-”

“Tillie, stop, please stop, love.”

“But why, we can make everything alright.”

Kayden took my hands in his when I tried to kiss him again, he shook his head, “Nothing is alright. I already found my father and his family, he has a daughter, I have a sister the same age as you.” A small smile spread on his lips before his face fell again.

“He is a terrible person.”

“I’m so sorry, Kayden.”

“Don’t apologize, if, then I need to apologize. Everything is my fault Tillie, your pain, your father’s problems… everything is my fault.” My heart starts beating suddenly faster, making my body temple.

What?

“I don’t understand.”

“The night your mother died, my father was coming to see me. He had found out I was his and was fighting with my mother on the phone while he drove on that bridge.”

Kayden’s voice sounded like it was coming through cotton, and the floor was moving under me.

No. Simply no.

“He wasn’t paying attention to the road until it was too late.”

I could not believe what he was telling me.

This was not true; this couldn’t be true.

“I’m so sorry, Tillie. We had wondered for so long what the reason was why your mother was taken from you so early, when the answer was always right in front of you. The fight that day was about me, he came for me that day. Your mother died because of me.” Kayden let go of my hands, holding me by my shoulders now.

A dozen feelings shook my body all at once, making me dizzy. Everything around me had been a lie. But this could not be the answer to the question I had been asking myself for years, I couldn’t accept that.

I was unable to accept the fact that Kayden was the reason the accident happened because it wasn’t true. It wasn’t Kayden’s fault.

He had been with me the entire night, but his mother must have known about everything when she called. Olivia always told me that sometimes God took people away from us too soon because they were needed in heaven more than on Earth. She knew what had happened, she knew why my mother wasn’t here anymore and didn’t tell me.

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