Page 43 of Shame

“It’s not good, Matron.”

“Do I need to call the doctor?”

I shake my head. “I just need a shower and a rest.”

Lucas stirs and opens his eyes, his beautiful blue eyes looking straight into mine, making my heart somersault. He gives me a faint smile and then looks over at Matron.

“I can take care of her,” he says. “Do you have some stronger painkillers?”

“I don’t—” I begin. I don’t need them to drug me up again. I’m afraid I’ll like the dulling of my mind too much.

“Yes, you do,” they both say at the same time.

I throw out my hands in defeat.

“I’ll be back in a minute. I’ll also have a word with that— that man, because this isn’t acceptable!”

“Please, don—”

But she’s already out the door.

“Let other people help you. You’re not alone.”

I rub my hands over my face. “I just don’t want anyone else to get hurt.”

“That’s for the rest of us to decide. Do you want a shower?”

“Oh God, yes! I’m the ickiest, most disgusting I can be. I can’t believe you slept beside me.”

“Well, believe it. I don’t care. I just want you to feel good. Come on.”

Lucas gives me his hand. I take it and whimper as I crawl out of bed. Matron comes back with pills that I swallow obediently.

“Not that shit that’ll make me hallucinate, right?”

She laughs. “Percocet. I don’t carry the really fun stuff.” Her eyes dart to Lucas and her features soften. “Take care of her, all right?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

She winks at me and leaves. The room is bright, clean and quiet. The barely-there scent of lavender almost feels like home. The difference to where I was a few hours ago is so vast it doesn’t seem to be the same planet even. I start trying to pull off Ivan’s T-shirt but the strain on my back is too much and Lucas grabs the hem and pulls it the rest of the way. I don’t see him, but I hear his sharp intake of air.

“Is it that bad?”

“I won’t allow you to go there again,” he says, his voice filled with held-back rage.

I make my way to my little bathroom and turn on the shower, then I twist and study my back in the mirror. It’s filled with discolorations and horizontal welts, from right below my shoulder blades down to my upper thighs. In a couple of places there is dried blood where he broke the skin, but for the most part I’m intact. Nausea rises in me as I meet Lucas’ eyes in the mirror.

“It looks worse than it is.” I’m lying through my teeth. It’s worse than it looks. Last night I was in Hell.

“You… you look a lot worse than last time. How can you stand?”

“I— I was more prepared this time, I think. Mentally. I’m… I’m just glad to be back here. With you.”

I also wasn’t brutalized by twenty men. This time they just pinched and squeezed my boobs and everywhere else they were allowed to touch. But it was nothing compared to last time.

The shower has started to steam up the room. I make sure the water is nothing more than lukewarm. My inflamed back can’t handle hot.

“Wanna join me?” I take a step into the stream and glance over at my Viking.

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