“I’m not forbidding you from being together. Not that either of you would care much, given you’ve already chosen each other.” He says with bitterness in his voice before continuing, “But I do still need time. I need to work out how to forgive you both without resenting you. I hope you and I can still hang out together, but I also hope you understand when I want to just hang out with my dad. I hope there comes a point where I’ll be able to accept your relationship, but that day isn’t today, and won’t be for a while.”
It’s as raw and honest as I can hope for, and I respect that, so I nod, agreeing to all his terms, and thanking God that he isn’t letting me lose what probably is going to be the greatest love of my life. My saviour. The start of my new beginning. My new family moving forward.
“Thank you.” I start crying in relief, feeling the tears catch in my thick lashes. I’m positive they're clumped with mascara and I must look like a clown, but today of all days I don’t care. “You don’t get what you’re doing. You’re giving me a new family. You’re giving me the future I always prayed I’d have one day. The new beginning Tori wanted for me on her deathbed. It’s because of you I’m not going to be alone or feel alone. You’re allowing me to feel happiness today when all I’ve felt the last few days is death.”
My declaration stuns him enough to shed tears alongside me. We embrace, as I heave and cry into his arms.
I cry for the people and relationships I’ve lost but also rejoice in burdens being lifted from both our shoulders.
Chapter 41
Row
Two months later
I feel indifferent, but it's like the haze and bout of depression I’ve been experiencing is finally lifting.
I’ve accepted that Tori is gone, and while my heart is still bleeding from my profound loss, I also know it’s time to start living again.
After her wake, I went back to Blade’s house and never left. I unofficially officially moved in.
The past couple of months have undoubtedly been the toughest of my life, which is saying something considering the less than stellar days that have made up mine to date. But it has also shown me what life is like after Tori, or what it could be.
We have family dinner once a week, and I laugh at how easy it is for Alex to rile up Syd. I smile when Grant reads Haven a book and butchers the words, and I chat about my new online classes with Xan.
I’ve packed up Tori’s things and donated the little she had to a women’s shelter. I’ve gone back to work, and it’s business as usual, but everyone is walking on eggshells around me, and I bloody hate it.
I’m so sick and tired of being treated like glass, like at any moment I’m going to shatter into a million pieces.
Tori made me promise to keep living. To live for the both of us. To make the most of my new life and to love every day like it’s my last. I’d be doing a disservice to her memory if I just sat here blanketed by grief.
Don’t get me wrong, the grief is still there; it’s just not the only thing that defines me, and I won’t let it engulf me.
Blade is the worst at treating me like I’m broken.
It has been 60 days, and the only form of closeness or physical touch has been when he gently cradles me at night. Fucking caresses my arm over my clothes. It is so unsexy I’m beginning to think he’s lost his mojo.
There’s been zero intimacy or heat. Zilch. Zero. Nada, and I’m going insane. So insane that I’ve actually resorted to visiting a sex shop with Syd tonight to pick up a few necessities.
Let’s face it, I have absolutely no one else I can turn to with this pesky problem. Somehow, I don’t think Blade would take it too lightly if I hit up his son to take me shopping, and I’m not close enough with the girls at work yet.
Syd is fun and ballsy, and I know we’re on our way to being thick as thieves as the weeks, months, and years go on.
She’ll never replace Tori, but I can see us being the best of friends - something I truly haven’t experienced with another female. Unlike Cindy, Syd actually makes an effort to get to know me, isn’t afraid to hear the nitty-gritty, and makes me feel equal.
Something tells me this girl’s night is going to be positively scandalous, so I make every effort to look as saucy and sinful as I feel sneaking out to buy some much-needed toys to get me off.
If I have any chance in hell of passing my chemistry exam this week, I need to be focused, and I can’t focus when I have all this pent-up horniness in me.
I just want to feel anything other than sadness, and I know rocketing to the moon and back will get me there faster.
I’ve been holed up in the bathroom for a few good hours dyeing my hair a dark magenta, which is a lot darker than what I’ve been dyeing it lately.
Change is as good as a new dye job, right?
I finish styling it in easy waves, tousling the strands to separate. I love the new colour. The tone reminds me of Ruby Hydrangeas, and it makes me instantly happy and feel sexy.
This is a new era of Row Atkins.