Page 35 of Then Came You

I've already had one customer think I'm practising labour breathing when she incorrectly assumed my baggy shirt was hiding a baby bump. I was too embarrassed to tell her the real reason I was breathing like a dragon, so I just went along with it.

"No more coffee for you. I'm locking up the instant in the safe," Trish admonishes, watching me jiggle on the spot like one of those inflatable tube men you see at the car dealerships.

"Trish...I don't think this is a good idea. Me. Meeting his daughter."

"Row. Hon. You'll be fine," she rolls her eyes at my overdramatic spirit fingers. "You're making me nervous. Go and get me some more towels."

As I begrudgingly trudge to the back, I misjudge the width of the door frame. The thud is abrupt, jarring, and unmistakably painful. A mix of muffled gasps and sympathetic comfort adds to the chaotic aftermath of the collision, but unfortunately for me, the sounds are dull compared to the intense throb in my face that makes me see stars. The last thing I taste and feel is blood trickling into my mouth.

It takes me a minute to realise why I can't breathe. It's because I have two tampons shoved up my nostrils.

It's then I realise that I fainted. I fucking went down like a sack of potatoes after my nose started bleeding. To make matters worse, Blade is hovering over my head with a distraught look on his face. As I blink several times to ensure this nightmare is real, the creases in his forehead deepen.

"Daddy, look she has marshmallows stuffed up her nose. I want marshmallows," a little voice whines from beside him. Trish's distinct laughter assails my ears. My nose feels like it has a pulse of its own, causing a pounding heaviness in the top half of my face. "Daddy, she looks like Sneezy from Snow White. Look, look, her nose is all red and puffy and it's huge!" Haven giggles hysterically, pointing to my nose. Trish laughs harder.

My head still feels foggy. "Haven, don't be rude," Blade scolds in a very dad-like manner.

This is my worst nightmare. I'm sure if I conjured up a list of most embarrassing scenarios to happen when meeting Blade's daughter this would be near the top.

"At least my willy isn't in her face," she huffs, crossing her arms. Trish and a few others around the salon snicker.

"Haven!" My eyes flit back and forth between them, still trying to make sense of how I ended up on the client waiting lounge.

"Well, it's true. Your pee pee is just dangling right there." She proceeds to poke his crotch area.

Chuckles ring around the salon. "Ow. Stop that. Where did you learn the words willy and pee pee?" Blade demands, shielding his boys with his hands.

"Jett at preschool taught me. When we were sitting on the toilet, he said I have a wee wee and he has a pee pee, and then he said his was called a willy and mine was called a front bottom or a fanny." He groans, holding the bridge of his nose and screwing his eyes shut as he steadies his breathing. The rest of us, my colleagues, and our clients piss themselves laughing. I would be too if I wasn't still feeling groggy.

He kneels to her level to have a rather big parenting moment in my opinion.

"Young lady, firstly, we do not look at someone else's private parts, is that clear?" he asserts, rubbing her arms. I turn my head to see her nod. "Secondly, if you have any questions about boy or girl body parts, you ask me or Mummy, okay?" She nods again. He sighs exasperated. Thinking the conversation is over, he goes to stand, but like any child, Haven's not done interrogating him over female body parts.

She tugs on his arm, "Wait Daddy. Wait." Blade resumes his kneeling position. "What do we call a girl's wee wee then?" I watch on as he chokes on air. I'm thoroughly bemused, and that says a lot since I'm sitting here with tampons up my nose.

"Uh... Um... Well..."

"Jett also said we can call it a pussy cat, but he gets in trouble from his mummy and daddy when he says it." A chorus of laughter rings around us.

Someone should really film this shit. This is gold.

"NO!" he says vehemently, before adjusting his tone. "You can only call it that when you're Zee Zee's age. That is not a word little girls or boys should be using, okay?" She once again nods.

"So, what do we call it?"

Blade's face flushes a deep shade of red - almost the same colour as the bloody tampons jammed up my nose. His eyes dart toward mine briefly before centering back on his daughter's.

"It's called a vagina, can you say that?"

"Ba-china," she repeats. I stiflingly giggle at her pronunciation.

"No, princess, a va-jy-na," he repeats, sounding it out. Unfortunately, not even the sexiest man in the world can make that word sound hot. She tries again but fails.

"Just call it a vee vee, okay?" She seems satisfied with that answer.

While Blade attempts to explain the female anatomy to Haven, I remove the blood-drenched tampons from my nose. Judging by the blockage I feel in my nasal passage, I can tell my voice is going to come across nasally. I quickly look down to see some dried blood has crusted on my chest and make quick work of scratching it off. Trish hands me a baby wipe to clean my chin. Jesus, could this be more humiliating? Wait until Tori hears about this.

"Daddy, look, look. Haven looks normal again!" she exclaims. I gush over how cute she is, hoping one day I'll be able to get over my fear of having kids. Trish hands me a water, so I can lubricate my throat. There is a throbbing ache behind my eyes, and my nose still hurts like hell, but at least I'm awake and coherent.

---