Sensing my nerves, she ameliorates my jitters. “I’m fine. The nurse came by yesterday and gave me something for it. Stop worrying. How are you going to tell Xan?” she repeats.
“Blade set up a breakfast the day after Light the Night. We’re going to do it together.”
She splutters again, and this time I can tell she’s in pain. I’ve spoken a little to my therapist about Tori and her illness, and she said I shouldn’t leave anything unsaid between us, but I’m afraid if I say them out loud that it’s like I’m accepting she could die.
Still, I don’t want her ever doubting how much she means to me.
I tug her toward me, bundling her up in my arms. “I love you more than anyone in the world, and I am so proud and honoured to be your sister. The way you’ve handled yourself your whole life, and throughout your illness, is commendable and I am just so in awe of you.”
“Row.” Her tone is soft and serene, as if she’s embraced the end is near.
I know what she’s about to say.
“Don’t say it,” I beg, unable to handle her next words.
“I’m dying.”
“No, you’re not. Tor, sweetheart, listen to me, you’re not, okay? You’re going to be fine. The treatment is working.” I clasp her bony hands in mine. They’re so translucent I can see the veins and blood beneath her skin. She’s almost ghost-like.
“It’s okay, Row. Let it out.” I don’t understand what she means until drops of tears cascade down my face and onto the blanket. I’ve curled up into a foetal position, my head in her lap as she strokes my freshly dyed hair that we did from a packet a few hours ago.
“You’re not going anywhere. You can’t leave me. You’re all I have left. I can’t live in this world without you,” I sob.
I know it’s unfair to put this on her. I’m a rancid person for even verbalising it, but she has to know. She has to know how I’d die without her. Haven’t we been through enough?
“Row. I don’t know how to tell you just how much I love you. How much I wish I could stay to watch you marry Blade. How much I want to be here so I can be the best auntie to all the babies you’re going to have.” I freeze at her words. She knows my reservations when it comes to being a wife and mother. “I know you’re scared, but you are destined to be a wife and mum,” she continues.
I’m gasping for breath at this point.
Why is she telling me this?
“You are going to be here,” I tell her defiantly, mimicking a tantrum of a two-year-old.
“No, Row, I’m not. My results came back, and the chemo treatment isn’t working the way it should. My immunity is at an all-time low. Between catching Covid, and all the lung issues I’ve been having, my body is failing. I’m at the end of the road. I can feel it. I can feel each day my soul slowly slipping away from my body. I’m in so much pain, Row. You don’t get it. My bones feel like dogs are gnawing at them. It feels like I’m breathing in smog. My chest palpitates, as if it’s beating overtime. I barely have an appetite, and my senses are muted, like everything is dull. I feel like a bag of bones.”
I clutch her hand harder, wanting her to feel my strength. Hoping I can transfer some of it to her. My head is reeling at everything she’s saying.
How is she so stoic and brave when facing death imminently?
“You have been the best sister a girl could ask for. My saviour. My warrior. It’s always been you and me. If it wasn’t for you, I would have died a long time ago. You’ve given me more love and life than I could have ever hoped. You gave me the last scraps of food, the last blankets and clothes off your back, your last dollars and cents. Then you brought Blade into our lives and made these last few months the best I could have ever dreamed. You extended my time, and because of that, I was able to find Jake and fall so deeply for him. I wish I could live longer so I could do so much more, but I’m on borrowed time, sis. Whatever happens now, however many days and weeks and months we have together, I’ll cherish them until my dying breath. I just needed you to know that you really are the wind beneath my wings."
She lets me cry until my tear ducts dry up.
The way she’s tying everything up into a neat little bow makes it feel as if this will be the last thing she says to me.
I feel her breathing steady, signalling she’s fallen asleep. What she just voiced means more to me than any other words she’s ever spoken. I’ll carry those words with me for the rest of my life, but at the same time, I wish they never left her mouth because now everything feels too real.
Prying myself away from her lap, I kiss her softly on the forehead and adjust her blankets. Moving toward the kitchen, I start to wash up the few dishes we’ve dirtied. This afternoon’s chat was exhausting, but not as much as the next few days will be. After the Light the Night event and telling Xander about his dad and me, my sole focus and energy is going to be on getting Tori better.
One thing at a time, right?
Chapter 36
Row
Organised chaos is the phrase I'd use right about now, looking at how the Light the Night event is unfolding. The weather is less than ideal, with rain pelting down, but Barangaroo still looks spectacular.
Trish and I will have already finished the colouring and shaving, and now I’m just sort of waiting around to go back to Blade’s. Off to the side, I can see he’s with his family, including Avalon. Her presence doesn't threaten or bother me, but it’s seeing how picturesque they are together that adds to my sour mood. After being worried sick about Tori, being run off my feet tired today, and now currently shivering, I don't know if I have much left in me to go back to Blade’s and tell Xan tomorrow about us.