Page 89 of Then Came You

I haven’t told Blade how dire the situation is. A selfish part of me just wants it to be Tori and me at the end, but she’s asked me to reach out to Jake, and a few other nurses she’s become fond of.

Blade texted, asking me to just give him a few days to get ahead of the unravelling situation with Avalon and Xan. Him and his family are not even on my radar, so I don’t reply or respond back.

My sole focus is these last days or hours with my sister. The last family I have left on this earth. My everything for so long is leaving this world, and I can’t fathom how I’m meant to live without her. How I’m ever meant to move on or find joy again. A piece of me is about to be extinguished forever, and there isn’t anything in the world that will be able to fill that void.

Giving Jake and Tori some space to say their goodbyes, I go to the hospital chapel to pray.

I’m not religious. I’d turned my back on the idea of God a long time ago, especially after the misfortune I’ve been dealt. I hated the forced scripture classes in primary school and the elitist attitude of the preppy Catholic school girls I’d encountered. Still, I need to believe there is life after death at this moment; otherwise, I’m not going to survive. I need to believe Tori is joining Dad in some sort of afterlife, and they’re going to be sitting on a big old fluffy cloud couch eating pancakes, looking down on me.

As I push the wooden door open, I’m immediately greeted with incense burning. It’s not unpleasant, but I wouldn’t pick that scent for a candle. Entering, I feel a profound sense of stillness enveloping the space, which is filled with peace and tranquillity. There are eight or so wooden pews facing a small altar, with candles to my left and stained-glass windows to my right. It feels sacred and reverent here, but still unfamiliar.

Walking to the front, I kneel.

I’m an emotional wreck, so it’s no wonder I start sobbing again, blurting anything and everything that comes out of my mouth. Instead of praying to God, I pray to my dad.

“Dad. I don’t know if you can hear me. I miss you so much. Tori’s dying, and I’m going to be here all alone. I don’t understand why so many hardships have fallen on our family. I will never understand why you were taken away from us. It’s been a living hell without you, but the one bright spot in my life has always been Tori. Why would God or the Devil give her cancer? What type of God wouldn’t save her? Why won’t he save her, Dad? She’s dying and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t want her to be in pain anymore, but I’m selfish, and I don’t want her to leave me. I don’t want to live this life alone. I can’t handle the thought of never seeing her again. She’s too young, and she’s barely lived. She deserved more than what Mum and I gave her. How am I meant to get through this? Promise me, Dad, wherever you are, that you will find Tori. Find her and never let her go. Be together for eternity until I can join you both again. I want you to give her an afterlife I could never give her here on earth, and I want you to be happy and at peace, and free of pain. I’m going to count down the days until I can see you both again. I love you, Dad. I love you so much. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you both.”

My gut-wrenching sobs continue to no avail. It’s only when I’m exhausted and slumped over the pew that I feel a light tap on my shoulder. My eyes are swollen, almost shut from my never-ending tear ducts weeping. There’s snot everywhere, but I can’t seem to muster up enough strength to care.

“She’s asking for you,” Jake says solemnly. I don’t know how he found me, but I’m glad he did because it means the end is very near.

I’m not ready.

I sprint back to her room to find her eyes open. She’s propped up against pillows and looks gaunt but serene. Her fuchsia headscarf is a bold contrast to her complexion and hospital gown.

“Hold me?” She croaks, a small smile ghosting her lips.

I nod wordlessly, afraid that if I open my mouth, I’ll flood the room with my tears.

Lying beside her, I slide down, so my head is on her shoulder. Both our hands are tangled together.

“I’m so sorry for leaving you, Row. I don’t want to. I’m so scared, but I can feel my time’s almost up. I feel my body giving out.” Her voice is raspy and wavers with emotion. Wet droplets fall from my cheeks thick and fast, and my breath stutters at her words. I’m in nowhere near as much pain as she is physically, but it’s the most torture I’ve ever felt hearing her say these words.

I sniffle uncontrollably.

“I wish I could stay with you forever. I don’t want you to be alone. I wish we had more time. I tried to fight, but it was out of our hands. I wanted to be strong, but I feel so unfinished. I don’t know what lies ahead of me, but I hope wherever it is, I won’t be in pain, and Dad will be waiting for me.” There’s a tinge of hope in her voice when she mentions Dad. I feel my chest cavity cave in.

She squeezes my hands with the little strength she has. “I’m in so much pain, Row. I don’t know how much time I have left, so I need to say everything I can while I’m still awake. You are the best sister I could have ever dreamed of having, and I am so beyond proud of you.”

She’s getting weaker by the minute, but I know she needs to say everything she needs to say. After a minute of resting and controlled breathing behind the oxygen mask, she continues.

“You have always been my guardian angel, so let me be yours now. I promise to be waiting for you when your time comes and will find you in every lifetime. Just know you are the reason why my life has been so full, and I’m going to miss you so damn much.” I bury my nose in her hair. She doesn’t have a signature scent like strawberries or honey, but I’ll never forget her scent.

I don’t know how she isn’t heaving like I am. I don’t know how she’s so strong.

“I need you to promise that you won’t forget me. I need you to love and take me everywhere with you in your heart. Be sad for a while, but don’t let it eclipse you. You are the sun and the moon and the stars and everything that is good and pure in this world, and you deserve so much. You are going to be an amazing scientist, a wife, and a mother, and you are going to live your life to the fullest, do you hear me? You need to live for both of us.” Her breaths are shallow, and her words are almost indistinguishable, but I can hear them crystal clear.

“Thank you for giving me the greatest life and memories with you. I love you so much, Row.”

I kiss her cheek, her hands, her head. I hug her to my chest and weep, telling her how much I love her and how honoured I am to be her sister. I promise to keep her promise and live.

I remind her of our memories, from making pancakes to going to those photobooths in the shopping centres once a year and taking photos together as a treat.

I tell her I wish I could have done more and that I wish I could take away her pain.

I tell her how brave she is and how she will always be my favourite person, and I’ll love her infinitely.

Finally, I tell her I will be counting down the days until I can see her again.

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