Page 47 of Adrift

I glare at him, knowing he’s goading me, yet I still just barely resist throwing a punch to his pretty-boy face.

He laughs, knowing he’s done exactly what he set out to do. “In all seriousness, brother, I was hoping you’d find this side of you again. I don’t think it was even there when Sonia was around. At least not . . . in the end.”

I bristle. “What does that mean?”

Dean tilts his head, his blue eyes examining me, weighing out how to say what he wants to. “Look man, I don’t think it was much of a secret that you both weren’t seeing eye to eye on things. She was constantly on your case about shit–from working too much to not working enough–and she didn’t mince her words, even in front of your family.”

My thoughts wander off to the last Christmas before she died. I’d thought our therapy sessions were working and things were getting better. We’d found out we were pregnant only a few weeks before that, and we were hopeful the baby would bring us together like we had been in the past.

“So, Sonia, have you and Darian decided on baby names yet?” My dad was always good at getting Sonia out of her shell at family gatherings.

While she wasn’t anti-social, I think being apart from her own family for so long had made her aloof. And whatever I did to help her–whether it was trying to bring her into a conversation or even holding her hand in companionship–made her feel like I was trying to ‘change her.’ So, after a while, and a thousand arguments later, I stopped trying.

She smirked, without a sign of happiness, and glanced at me. She’d always been good at conveying a thousand emotions just with the tilt of her head or the set of her jaw. “If Darian was ever home to discuss mundane things like our child’s name, then perhaps we’d have one picked out. But between our school either doing so well that he needs to backfill the open positions or not doing well enough to where he’s having to do the work of employees we’ve had to let go,” she looked at me pointedly, “the baby and I take a back seat.”

“Well, I'm sure that’s not true,” my dad had argued, congenially. “Darian loves you to the moon, and he’ll love this baby just the same. I know you understand this, since you’re a big part of the success of the school, but running a small business is no joke. Staffing is hard and the hours are always long.”

“With all due respect, Marvin,” Sonia’s voice was stern and made everyone at the dinner table turn to listen to our conversation, “I’m not a woman who values useless words. I value actions and effort–”

“Effort?” I finally questioned, my patience failing me. “You value effort? What have I been showing you, if not effort? From the therapy we’ve had, to the times I’ve left the school early–knowing I’d have a pile of work waiting on my desk the next day–to committing to go to every appointment with you. If that’s not effort, Sonia, then what is?”

Of course, I wasn’t going to mention the times I’d try to coax her into our bed. Not because I wasn’t tired, but because I wanted to show her how much I loved her.

“Vacations!” She’d raise both palms, shrugging in exasperation. “A getaway, away from this small, goddamn mountain town I’ve been trapped in for so long!”

I’d reeled back, pointedly ignoring my mother’s gasp. “You wanted to stay here. You loved the mountains and the lake . . .. Why does it feel like you’re turning the story around to make it seem like I’m forcing you to stay here?”

She gawked at me in shock, and I realized my words hadn’t come out the way I’d intended. “Oh, so you’d let me leave? You’d let me walk right out this door and cut off all ties?”

“Sonia, you know that’s not what I meant.”

As much as Sonia hated her mother, as much as she complained about the way her mother had perfected the art of gaslighting, she’d slowly turned into a version of her over the years.

Maybe I just hadn’t seen the slow transformation or maybe I’d been in denial from the very beginning. There was no use in overanalyzing it.

The rest of dinner progressed like nails on a chalkboard–painstakingly. Dean and Garrett both tried to change the subject and made jokes to lighten the mood, but I decided to cut the night short and left early with Sonia, in a familiar but torturously silent car ride.

My brother gets up from his chair, jostling me back to the present. “You haven’t answered my question about why you kissed her, and I suspect you won’t. What triggered your decision and that spontaneity inside you? I think it’s time you were honest with yourself.”

When I just stare at him blankly, he continues, “Dar, it doesn’t matter how she’s connected to Sonia. It doesn’t even matter that she works for you or that she’s nineteen–a consenting adult, by the way. You need to stop questioning any of that.” He focuses his gaze on me. “The only question you should be considering is whether you’ll regret letting the first person to light a spark inside you in a very long time go without giving it an honest shot.”

My brother walks out of the room and I don’t know how long I sit there, in the same spot, staring at an empty doorway.

Chapter Seventeen

Rani

“Thanks for letting me visit again, Lynn. I hope you don’t mind me taking up your time, especially this late.” I hand Lynn the small cheesecake I picked up on my way here.

She hesitates before taking the box from me, giving me a reproachful look. “Well, it’s no bother at all, dear, but I will have to rethink any future invitations if you keep bringing sweets.”

I wince. “I’m sorry. I just can’t help bringing in something for Fred.”

“She has a crush on me,” Fred yells from his seat in the living room. “I’m used to this with the ladies.”

Lynn rolls her eyes, her heavy lids setting back in place, but the ghost of a smile buds on her face. She sets the box on the counter and gently rips it around the sides. “You’re spoiling him, along with playing to his ego. The man doesn’t need any more of either.”

I smile, watching her take down three plates from the cupboard. Her hands tremble slightly, and I almost move to help her but decide against it. I don’t want to make her feel incapable in any way.

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