Page 85 of Adrift

The corners of my eyes prick. I don’t know if it’s because of the moment between us or the lack of sleep or even the fact that there are words I’m physically holding myself back from saying to him about how I feel. For some reason, this moment–out of all the moments–feels monumental, but my mind still feels like it’s spinning.

How are we going to make this work? Does he really mean it when he says he wants this? What does that mean to him? What does he expect will happen in a few weeks when I’m no longer here? How will we continue to see each other with everything we have going on in our lives?

If someone were to ask me why I chose this moment to bare my soul, to show him exactly what runs through my blood, I wouldn’t be able to answer them. I don’t really know myself. But it’s as if the moments spent holding my nephew today, along with the countless moments I’ve shared with the man in front of me, have me feeling like I’m suffocating. Like I need to lift the weight off my chest to be able to breathe again.

Because I can’t fucking breathe.

Darian studies my face and his frown deepens. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just . . ..” I inhale fast, as if I won’t be able to again if I don’t take a breath now. “I’m in love with you, Darian, and I’m just overwhelmed by it.”

Shit.

My chest heaves as I watch my words strike him. It heaves again as they bounce off him and back to me. His eyes widen as the shock of what I’ve said registers on his face.

I’m about to tell him to forget it, that it was a slip based on my lack of sleep and my strange emotional state, when his entire face morphs with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen. And even though I want to hide my face behind my hands because my cheeks are on fire, I can’t look away.

“You love me?”

My phone buzzes on my nightstand and I ignore it. I lift my hand to Darian’s mouth, shaking my head, holding myself back from smiling. “Shut up.”

Darian removes my hand from his mouth and laughs. “You love me. Rani–”

My phone buzzes again and Darian growls under his breath.

What perfect timing.

And also, holy shit! I just told Darian I loved him!

How are my legs not giving way under me?

I turn toward the nightstand, and Darian reluctantly lets my hand go. “I should get it. I don’t get calls this early . . .. It might be important.”

He comes up behind me as we read the name on my screen together: Mom.

“Hello?” I pick up, wondering why she would call me this early in the morning.

“Your dad had a heart attack this morning. I’m in the emergency room.” I hear her sniffle and my heart falls to my stomach. “It doesn’t look good, Rani.”

Chapter Thirty

Rani

I try to focus on the circular blue shapes on the beige carpet. They’re linked together in a psychedelic design, and if I squint, it looks like the circles are jumping off the floor.

I’ve been rubbing my bottom lip almost incessantly with my thumb since the moment I sat down in this waiting room chair next to my mom. I’m positive I’ve scratched it with my nail, but I can’t stop, even when my skin screams in pain.

“I always cook healthy food; I avoid using too much oil and salt. How could this have happened?” My mom rubs the bottom of her eyes with the heel of her palm as a sob bubbles out of her. “Why do we keep getting punished? What did I do in my last life to deserve so much pain in this one?”

I sigh, closing my eyes momentarily to gather my thoughts and patience. Because if I’ve ever been tested thoroughly with anything in my life, it’s having patience with my mom. She’s repeated the same thing at least fifteen times in the past half hour that I’ve been here.

I didn’t even think this morning. I just threw some clothes and toiletries into my overnight bag and rushed to my car after I got Mom’s phone call. She said they were just getting my dad prepped for his emergency angioplasty. Apparently, two of his major arteries were almost eighty percent blocked. The procedure usually doesn’t take more than a couple of hours, but the nurse said with the extent of his blockages, it could take a little longer.

Still, I’m hopeful.

Dad’s interventional cardiologist said he was extremely lucky. It was a severe heart attack–and thankfully, he was able to wake Mom in time–but his blockages could be alleviated with stents. He’s going to have to change his lifestyle and it will take him a week or two to recover, but at least my dad is alive. At least he will have another lease on life.

“He’s going to be alright, Mom. The doctor said they have a solid plan in place, and while this is an emergency angioplasty, at least it’s not open-heart surgery. Look at the silver lining here.”

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