Page 59 of Ablaze

My words feel shaky as I say them, “So, why would I want that for her?”

Jane wipes another streak off her cheek. “Do you remember when the station got called in to help with the California forest fires a couple of years ago?”

I nod.

“Do you remember after you all came home safe, you and I sat out on your porch with a beer and you told me what Mala said to you before you left?”

My thoughts travel back to that day. Mala had shown up at the station right as Rohan, Malcolm, and I were preparing to leave. Samantha had been excused because she still had an infant at home, but most of us—including hundreds of firefighters from across the US—were asked to come help fight another deadly forest fire.

I remember how stoic Mala seemed. I knew she was worried—I could tell based on the dark circles that had formed under her eyes after we all received the news—but she kept herself together. She never let her worry deter her support and determination on our behalf.

Where just the night before, Jessie had held on to me, cried into my shoulder as if I’d already died, begging me to find an excuse not to go—“Say you’re sick! Tell ‘em you’ve had a family emergency!”–Mala gave me a warm hug, kissed my cheek, and said, “Go do what you do best. Help however you can. But come back home to me. I’ll make you a lifetime supply of dog treats if you come back to me, safe and sound.”

Jane squeezes my forearms, getting my attention again. “Do you remember how strong she was? The girl lost both her parents in a fire, her brother and her closest friends risk their lives every day on the job, yet somehow, she still finds a way to smile. Living with that kind of loss and still finding ways to work through her fears? Now that’s commendable.”

I start to speak, but Jane bulldozes right over me. “And before you tell me that at least she won’t have to face losing the love of her life in a fire on top of it all . . . I’d like you to look in a mirror.” Her eyes drill into mine. “Because she’d still lose him anyway if, God forbid, something happened to you.”

Chapter Eighteen

DEAN

“Well, don’t those look lovely!” Grams eyes the two orange velvet pound cakes on my kitchen counter through my phone screen. She’s sitting outside on one of her favorite chairs on my mom’s patio. A blanket of snow covers the patio behind her, looking similar to the way my patio looks here in Tahoe. “And you made two! You’ve had quite the busy day already.”

I lick the orange glaze off the tip of my index finger before placing a cover over the second cake. “I used your recipe. The first one is for when the guys come over tonight for poker, and the second one is for Mala. She’s been trying to recreate it for the past couple of years, but I won’t share the recipe with her.” I wink at Grams. “The girl has plenty of recipes, and I like having one she can’t recreate so I can make her something from time to time.”

Grams coughs into her white handkerchief before wiping the corners of her mouth and adjusting the woolen scarf around her neck. This is the second cough I’ve heard over the past couple of months, and as much as I want to tell her to go inside where she’ll be warm, I know how much she loves the fresh air, even if it is bitterly crisp. Plus, between my mom, my stepdad, Garrett, and me, she’s exhausted with everyone trying to fuss over her health–she’s said as much. So, I force myself to ease up and keep my concern to myself for now.

“Well, it’s only fair to reveal the recipe to her after you officially bring her into the family,” Grams states as casually as if she’s making some off-handed remark about the damn weather.

I freeze, my hands still on top of the kitchen counter. “Pardon me?”

Grams waves her hand in front of the camera as if to reprimand me for being dramatic. “Oh, for Pete’s sake! Dean, I love you more than all my grandsons–”

“You said the exact same thing to Garrett last week!”

“But it is about time you get your head out of your ass, dear boy.” She completely ignores my outburst. “How long are you going to deny how you feel about her?” Grams coughs into her handkerchief again. “You both deserve more from each other . . . from yourselves!”

This is the second time in a week that someone has said basically the same thing to me. Last weekend at Jane’s place, and now with Grams acting as if it’s the most obvious thing. Like she’s exhausted with having to explain to me that the earth is round.

I cross my arms over my chest. “And how do you know how I feel about her?”

She tilts her head. “You may think you’re fooling the world–even yourself–but you’re not fooling me, son.” She lifts her hand, stopping me when I start to speak. “I’ve suspected for quite some time, but I was absolutely certain when you came to visit me right after Mala moved in with her then-boyfriend. You were a mess.”

It shouldn’t surprise me that Grams has known how I feel about Mala, likely before I even admitted it to myself. I’ve never been able to hide anything from her for long, even if I’ve blatantly lied to her–and myself–about my feelings.

The thing she doesn’t know is that I’m not in denial anymore. I haven’t been since that night a few years ago when she told me she found me attractive–the same night she told me about moving in with Warren.

It’s not that her finding me attractive was some sort of magic key to unlocking my feelings for her or anything; it was just the first time I allowed myself to acknowledge the physical pull between us. It was the first time I realized I wanted more–to touch her, to kiss her.

It was the first time I admitted to myself that I wanted to fuck my best friend.

And while Jane’s words last weekend opened my eyes in many ways–from making me realize that I deserve the things I’ve been withholding from myself for so long to what I need to do, like break things off with Jessie for good–they don’t change the fact that I’m still scared to act on my feelings for Mala.

Just the idea of doing it has sweat beading over my brows, my heart thumping like a drum.

What if I tell her, and she looks at me like I’ve grown two heads? What if the chemistry I’ve felt between us is one-sided, and I had read it wrong? Or what if, even if she agrees there is something between us, she doesn’t want to risk our friendship?

Any one of those is a potential outcome, and any one of those has the potential to change everything between us.

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