Page 132 of The Forever After Bet

51. Girl Mom

Micah called me late last night and told me they’d found my costume. Another girl had accidentally taken mine home instead of hers. Beth and I stop at the dance studio and pick it up on our way out of town.

We put on an audiobook to listen to for the trip. I drive the first leg of the trip so Beth can get some rest. We switch when we get close to the city, as she’s better at driving in the traffic.

After we check into the hotel, Beth wants to rest. As she naps, I order food from a delivery app., We eat dinner, hang out, and watch a movie. I text back and forth with Ford for a while, and Beth checks in with my dad. Finally, we call it a night. Except it seems that neither of us can sleep. Finally, I turn on the bedside lamp and rollover, looking at Beth in the other bed.

“I’m hot,” she exhales. She’s lying on the bed with all the covers off of her.

“I can turn the air on.”

“Really? That would be great. Thank you.”

I get up and turn on the air conditioner, then crawl back into bed under the covers. Beth sighs with relief as cold air filters through the room.

“Beth?” I whisper.

She rolls onto her side, looking at me. “Yeah?”

“Are you excited to be having another baby?”

“I am now, but at first, I wasn’t. I thought that part of my life was done. At least I had an explanation for my mood swings and why I hadn’t been feeling well. Having a baby at forty is completely different than having a baby at eighteen.” Beth looks at me. “How are your feeling about the baby?”

I shrug. “I’m excited.”

“Hannah, it’s okay if you’re unhappy about the baby. I understand. Jack acts like I’m not pregnant.”

I sigh. I started this conversation. “I can’t answer for Jack, but he might be feeling like me. It’s not that I’m upset about the baby. I’m excited, but then I realize I won’t be around. This baby is going to grow up, and I’m going to miss ninety percent of it. I’ll be their big sister, but we won’t bond over cartoons, playing games, or eating ice cream together.”

“This baby is still going to need you. You can still be there for him or her. “

“Are you hoping the baby is a girl?” I ask.

Beth sighs. She gets up and turns the air off, then comes back and sits down at the edge of my bed. “I’m not very good at being a girl mom.”

I sit up. Beth holds her hand out for me, and I take it.

“I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I hold you to a different standard than I do, Jack. I feel a larger pressure with you that I don’t feel with him. I talked it through with your dad one night, and he helped me understand it.” Beth holds my hand with both of hers. “I don’t want to let your real mom down. I don’t want to disappoint Diane. If she was here, would she approve of how you’re growing up? Would she look at me and say you should have tried harder? You should have done more for my daughter. She could’ve been great if you’d been a better mom.”

I scoot closer to Beth and lay my head on her shoulder. “Beth, Diane got to be my mom for the first eleven years of my life, and I think she did a good job. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her or miss her. But you’re my mom now, and you don’t owe anything to her. Maybe I should’ve tried looking at our relationship from a different perspective. I would’ve seen why you were doing what you were doing—”

“No, Hannah,” she says quickly. “That’s not your job. You’re my child. I need to do right by you, and I haven’t. I know I haven’t, and I’m ashamed of myself. It’s been easier to ignore the situation than to deal with it.”

“I’m guilty of that, too.” I give her hand a squeeze.

“I’m willing to try again, if you’ll let me. I’m not perfect. I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to do and say things that will upset you or make you mad, but I want to be your mom. I’ve wanted it since the day I first met you.” Beth sniffs, wiping the tears out of her eyes.

“I want you to be my mom, too. I’m not perfect, either. I have my faults. I can be stubborn and pigheaded.” We wrap our arms around each other. “I love you, mom.”

“I love you too, Hannah.”

“For the record, I’d really like to have a baby sister.”

On Friday morning, Beth and I get breakfast at a local café and head to the theater to check in. I don’t have to return to the theater until three for my qualifying dance. It’s a short ninety-second dance where you perform specific steps. You can be creative, but the judges want to see your technical ability. Then, you’re put into groups according to your technical score.

“Are you hungry?” I ask Beth as we leave the theater.

“Yes, I bought an extra croissant from the café this morning, and I have a box of frozen Gogurts in the cooler back in the hotel room. I’ve been obsessed with them lately. There are also oranges, apples, grapes, strawberries, raspberries, and plain yogurt in the cooler.” Beth smiles and shrugs.

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