Page 81 of Agent's Integrity

“Don’t sell yourself short, Julia. I believe you can do anything you decide to.”

My eyes dropped to his collarbone, and I swallowed. I was too close to him. He was like a magnet, pulling me towards him. I knew it, but I couldn’t scrounge up the will to step away from him. Instead, I traced his other tattoo. It was the one with the intertwined symbols for earth, wind, and fire. It was done in thick black lines, but it was also somehow soft and fluid. It was beautiful, and my favorite tattoo so far.

His hand cupped my elbow, and his thumb rubbed gentle circles on the inside of it. Sparks shot from his fingertips directly into my skin with each touch. I tried to ignore it, to pretend it was nothing, but I couldn’t. Every time we touched, something deep inside me felt suddenly at peace and content and…happy.

I couldn’t explain why I was drawn to him. I couldn’t pinpoint the thing that sucked me in, but there was no point in denying that I was attracted to him. I liked being close to him. I liked touching him, and I liked it when he touched me. I liked the feelings he evoked in me.

Him. I likedhim.

I breathed in slowly, trying to get a handle on my thoughts and emotions. Not sure that I had a firm grip on either, I closed my eyes before looking back at Ethan’s face. The intense look was still there. It wasn’t an angry or predatory look, just laser focused. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that kind of intensity.

For a moment, I didn’t know what to say. I had planned on saying something, but words fled under his gaze. My eyes followed one of his dreadlocks as it trailed down to his collarbone. “What are we doing?” was all I could think of to say.

“Truthfully, I’m not sure.” He knew exactly what I meant, and I was grateful he didn’t parse words.

“This is…I don’t know if I’m ready for this.”

His other hand settled on my waist. It was strong and somehow reassuring even while it set my insides fluttering. “I think we need to define what this is.”

The easiest thing I could do was close my eyes and hide. I could still feel his eyes on me, and I didn’t want to face him. But that would be cowardly, and I hated being a coward, so I leaned my head back and looked him in the eyes. “I like you, Ethan. I am…strongly attracted to you. I don’t know why.”

A smile took away some of the intensity of his gaze. “Way to boost my ego.”

I flushed. “That’s not what I meant. I mean, I haven’t had real feelings for a guy since I was in the academy, and our circumstances aren’t conducive to lasting feelings. And, honestly, you aren’t my usual type.”

“Maybe that’s why you are attracted to me. Because everything is different right now.”

My emotions weren’t that clear to me, but I didn’t dismiss his words. “What about you? What are you thinking?”

He was silent, as though he was searching through his feelings. “I feel attracted to you. I’ve always been attuned to the movement of the universe, and I know we were meant to meet. At first, I simply thought it was so I could help you get away from those men, and then I wondered if you’d been brought across my path to teach me something. I feel drawn to you in a way I’ve never felt before. Being with you feels right.”

It wasn’t the first time he had talked about the universe bringing us together, and I knew he believed it. I wasn’t entirely sure what I believed. I couldn’t deny there was something out there that I believed was a higher power, if I could term it that way, but it wasn’t something personal to me. It was obviously personal to Ethan.

His thumb was still rubbing circles on my arm, and it was distracting me. I swallowed. “So…what now?”

“What is it you want?”

To be loved.

I don’t know why those words sprang to mind, but I couldn’t say them out loud. That would be too vulnerable. I had too many wounds to speak those words aloud. “I’m not sure.” I looked away from him again. “There’s so much going on right now.”

“Maybe this will make it simpler.” He tilted my chin up with his finger and he kissed me, gently but firmly. I didn’t fight him; I didn’t want to. He slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me into him, and I obligingly slipped my arms around his neck, grabbing onto his dreads.

He paused, lifting his head slightly, but didn’t release me. We stared at each other. I could feel the uncertainty showing in my eyes. Ethan didn’t seem bothered by it. “Oh,ami.” His voice was low, barely above a whisper. “Do you not feel how right this is?”

Something in my head was yelling at me to run. I couldn’t explain my aversion to commitment, and I couldn’t deny its existence. But I could move beyond it. Because my heart was indeed telling me that standing in his arms was right. Like I belonged there. The only other time I’d felt that way was so long ago, when I was so young that it was barely a flicker of a memory. Back when my parents loved me before Dad died and everything fell apart.

Too many thoughts and feelings were jumbled up inside me, so instead of answering him I simply kissed him again. He held me tightly, stroking my hair, and I felt my heart twitch. It was a kind of twitch I hadn’t felt before. I wasn’t naive enough to say I fell in love with him at that moment, but I felt something I’d never felt before. Something that was in the same vein as love.

I pulled back a little, feeling overwhelmed, but I didn’t step out of his arms. I couldn’t look at him. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. By the end of the breath, I realized I didn’t want to stop. I kissed him again, relishing the feeling of his lips gliding against mine.

He kissed my neck, and I ran my hands over his face. He whispered something in my ear. It was in his native tongue, and I didn’t understand it, but it sure sounded sexy.

Eventually, he pulled back, and I stared up at his eyes, confused. He had a smile on his face, and he rubbed his thumb along my jaw. He said something else in his native tongue before momentarily closing his eyes. “Did that make anything clearer for you? Because it did for me.”

I blinked, barely even remembering that we had been discussing our feelings before making out. I cleared my throat and licked my lips. He watched the motion with the same intense focus he’d had earlier. Words left me again.

“Look,ami, whatever happens while we’re here, whatever comes from helping Emerson, when this is over and you’re safely back on Viridis or wherever you need to be, I fully intend to ask you on a proper date, where I intend to do a lot more of that. All I’m asking for is a chance. Don’t discount me because of my past.”

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