Page 24 of For Your Heart
Honestly, it always made me long for what they had. Their connection, even in the early days of their relationship, was so strong that I sometimes thought I could feel it. Their love was so great, that I was sure I could physically see it around them like a cloud.
They trusted me in those moments when they needed to speak, so they never saw the need to go somewhere private. Their friendship and relationship are the only real example I’ve ever had in my life of what love really is.
Secretly, or maybe not so secretly, I long for what they have in a most desperate way. Very, very secretly, I kind of want it with Damon.
“Yes,” I say, sighing. “Better. So much better.”
“Better than toys?” River asks, winking at me.
My cheeks heat, but just a little. I’m overly conscious of a baby in my arms. “Yeah. I never knew… I hated sex before,” I say quietly and shake my head. “This is like something entirely different.”
Jordan grips my hand tightly. “I’m so proud of you, Sage.”
His words fill me with love for him. This is what I was supposed to have from my family. But the only place I ever got it was from my best friend. “Thanks. I think that… maybe I’m into it more than he is,” I admit.
“You have to participate a little,” River teases.
I laugh, cheeks heating. “Uh, no. Not that. The sex part he’s into just fine.” I think. “I mean… I think I’m into him more than he is me.”
“He’s not a closet gay, is he?” River asks, disapproval in his voice. “Is he cheating with you? Do I need to—”
Laughing nervously, I shake my head. “Well, I guess I don’t know all those answers. I’m positive he’s not in the closet. From what I’ve seen, he’s pretty open about his sexuality. But… I don’t know the other answers. Maybe?” I debate telling them what I know. What I’ve witnessed. When I look up to see the way they’re looking at me, I cave and let it all spill out.
We’re interrupted once when Sparrow wakes up. Jordan leaves to change him and returns with a bottle. He offers the baby and bottle to me, and I eat up this moment of domesticity. When Sparrow is settled again, River takes my hand, making me look at them.
“I can already tell you’re falling for this guy, baby boy. You need to be honest with him. I get that you’re excited to get the dick you’ve always wanted, but it’s not worth a broken heart. There are plenty of dicks in the world.”
Sighing, I know they’re right, but my mind is kind of set on Damon. Now that I’ve voiced everything out loud, I can see that. I know it to be true. When I look at Jordan, I think he knows. The smile on his handsome face says he knows. He kisses River’s cheek.
“Sometimes when you meet the person you’re supposed to be with, you just know,” he says. River shifts to look at their husband. “Just think of all the reasons I kept telling myself to run away from you. Everything about you terrified me and threw my entire existence into question. In the end, I loved you more than all that fear. I knew you were mine. I knew you were with absolutely everything in me. Sometimes you just know.”
“There’s a big difference in our situations,” River says. “I knew you were mine too. I’m not sure Damon is in the same spot. Your fight and mine, it was the same, though you struggled with everything about me while I fought to convince you I’m a person, not a gender.”
Jordan winces. “I hate thinking about how stupid I was,” he grumbles.
River gives him a sweet smile. “You weren’t stupid. This wasn’t a matter of gay or straight for you. It wasn’t about sexuality. I turned everything you knew about people, the world around you, and yourself inside out. I was a unicorn and you’ve been told your whole life that I don’t exist. Damon isn’t confused about anything in the same way, from how it sounds. His struggle, whatever it is, is something entirely different.”
“We don’t know that,” I say.
River looks at me, giving me a demure smile. “Sweetheart, it sounds to me like you two need to have an actual conversation that doesn’t involve dick.”
I flush. Yes, they’re right. Everything they’ve said is right. But that doesn’t stop the pit from growing in my stomach at the thought of actually bringing it up. Because I’m sure that if I do, that’s it. It’s over.
I don’t want it to be over. Not now. Not ever.
If he doesn’t feel the same way I do, it’s going to hurt too much and I’m just not ready for that.
Nine
DAMON
“I thinkI’m going to go out,” Declan says.
I glance at him, shifting just slightly so I can look at his face from where we lay in bed. There’s something slightly different about our hold these last few days. It’s still completely tangled and somewhat desperate, but there’s almost a note of resignation in it.
We haven’t heard from Simon in two months. We stopped trying to get in touch a month ago. The pain doesn’t stop. It doesn’t get easier to live with, though I’m learning how to push it aside for a little while at a time.
When it comes back, I feel like I’m going to fall apart completely. That’s when the rage takes over. I seriously wonder if I’d actually murder Stommer if he was near during those moments. It’s frightening how irrational I am when my fury comes roaring back to me after I ignored it for a while.
