Page 26 of For Your Heart
“You want to talk about it?”
“No,” he says. “I… fucked up. He says he’s clean, so I’ll get tested tomorrow on campus.”
“You don’t sound concerned anymore,” I point out.
He snorts. “I don’t have the energy to be concerned, Damon.”
Clicking the show off, I roll to face him. He looks so incredibly sad. His eyes are listless. He’s completely slack in my arms. “Love you,” I say.
His lips tick up slightly. “Love you too.”
Do we say it just to hear the words? Usually, we tell Simon and he responds. We don’t usually say it to each other, because we don’t need to. We can feel each other in a far more intimate way. IknowDeclan loves me. I don’t need to hear the words from him.
Except, maybe I do. Maybe I just need to hear the words from someone who does.
There’s a part of me that keeps thinkingwe’ll get through this; we’ll get through this.But I don’t want to get through anything. I want Simon to come home. I’m almost so desperate for it that I don’t even care if he brings Stommer along.
Almost.
* * *
Over the next couple weeks,my brother and I disappear from the house around the same time. I can feel it inside me that he’s doing the same thing I am. Filling the void in our chests and lives with someone else. Someone we’re not sharing.
When I think about it, it’s kind of weird. I’m not sure that Declan and I have evernotshared someone. Even when we were choking on separate dicks, we were next to each other. Even when we were fucking, it was in the same place.
This is the first time we’re fucking outside of the other’s presence. It’s… weird. I don’t hate it, but the more often I’m actually seeing Sage instead of Simon, I swear, there’s a longing inside me for Declan, too. I don’t think it’s sexual. Not in the same way I enjoy fucking Sage.
But I need my brother there. His absence is almost as loud as Simon’s.
Yet, I kind of like not seeing Simon under me. Because he’s not there. He’s never going to be there. I’ve lost him entirely and imagining him there only hurts more. Not that I can always help myself. Sometimes I slip and I’m not sure why.
As I did tonight. It’d been weeks since I saw Simon under me instead of Sage. Which, really, Simon and Sage are nothing alike. Sage is easily thirty pounds heavier, bulkier, wigglier. Everything about their shape is different. Hell, everything about the way they speak or moan or make any sound at all is different.
There’s no mistaking Sage for Simon. Not even a little bit.
But after I unload and the vision of Simon fades, I’m left feeling dizzy and a little sick. Swallowing hard, I slip out of Sage and move down his body to choke on his cock. He immediately reacts because the man is so fucking responsive, it’s heady. He releases with a shout as soon as I swallow him down and begin gagging on his girth. Fuck, his cockhead is fat. I love it.
I release him and pull back, resting my face against the inside of his thigh while I catch my breath. Fuck, he doesn’t even smell like Simon. What’s wrong with me? Why do I have to continue to punish myself like this?
Moving from the bed, I dump the condom in the trash and return with a wet cloth to clean up Sage. He’s quiet and still, which almost never happens. I didn’t even tie him up tonight. I wanted to, but I was too… I don’t know.
That’s probably why I slipped into pretend land where I’m making love to my best friend. The thought makes me sick as I bring the cloth back to the bathroom, wiping myself up on the way. I’m never going to have the future I want with him. Never.
I need to stop pretending it’s going to happen. That’s not an option. If for no other reason than he doesn’t want it.
Nausea rolls over me and I pause for a second to let it pass. Who knew not having your love returned was so painful?
I fall into bed next to Sage and we lay in silence. He doesn’t move. For a very long time. When this finally registers, I turn to face him. His eyes are closed but I can see the aggrieved look on his face.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, brushing his damp hair from his face. “Did I hurt you?”
He presses his lips together before shaking his head.
“That’s not very convincing.”
Sage takes a deep breath and looks at me, though his eyes only meet mine for a second. They’re trained on my mouth and then he ducks his head further so he’s not looking at my face at all. “I thought… I thought you were enjoying this.”
Frowning, I say, “I am.”
