Page 39 of For Your Heart
“They go together, don’t they? You’re not with either of them right now.”
I nod. We shift on the couch so he has me pressed between his big body and the back of it, squishing me between the two. I actually appreciate the slight claustrophobic feel right now.
“In January, Simon fell into another anxious state when he received a tuition bill. Declan and I paid it, which only made him more upset. He didn’t have the money, though, and we weren’t about to let him not graduate over such a small amount. We’ve paid for a lot of things over the years, which has always weighed on Simon, no matter how many times we tell him we didn’t care about money. He started talking about getting a work-study, which didn’t work out; then he got a job. The next thing we knew, he was spending a lot of time out of the apartment. Away from us. Keeping secrets.”
Sage frowns.
“This was made a bigger deal because we’ve never kept secrets from each other. Over anything. We have complete access to everything in each other’s lives. Bank accounts. Student portals. Grindr accounts—not that he has one. Simon is straight.”
“That’s why you’ve never told him?” Sage asks.
“That and he’s never given us even an inkling of indication that he’s interested in either of us. Nothing. So we opted to maintain our friendship and not fuck it up with unrequited feelings.”
“It’s like a tragic love story, Shakespeare style,” he says, his eyes sparkling.
“No one dies,” I say, frowning. “I don’t appreciate your excitement here.”
Sage laughs and kisses me. It’s so easy and natural, he doesn’t realize he’s done it until he pulls away. Then the panic starts to flood his face. I continue talking before he feels like he needs to fix it.
“He refused to tell us what job he got, but that he definitely found a job. He wanted to do it on his own. Because he seemed happy again and whatever, we let it go. Tried to. But he was spending so much time away, it was making us anxious and lonely. Well, turns out he entered a relationship contract—a sugar daddy, sugar baby contract.”
Sage’s eyes go wide. “No way! Those things are real?!”
I chuckle. Fuck, he’s cute. I brush my finger over his cheekbone. “Yes, they’re real. I can take you to some websites to show you how to find a sugar daddy, if you’d like.”
“Nooo,” he says, cheeks reddening again. “I’m good with this. No exchange of money or anything!”
Laughing, I nod. “So, yeah. The thing is, well, there are a lot of things that aren’t really mine to tell. But he got into a contract with a fucking man, one of his old professors, and apparently fell in love with him. Declan and I… we didn’t take it well. And while I spend a lot of time blaming the professor, we know that the fallout is our fault. We know that. We know that’s why Simon left and hasn’t returned. Not even for his toothbrush. We’re why he won’t answer our texts or phone calls or social media messages. We know. It doesn’t make us hate the fucking professor any less.”
“That’s why Simon’s not with you, but… why aren’t you with Declan?” Sage asks.
I shake my head and shrug. “I don’t know. When I tell you I can count on one hand the times we’ve hooked up separately, I mean that. Until you. It wasn’t good without each other. But Simon left and our world just kind of fell apart. We dealt with it differently. I suspect that we kind of went separate ways because of this new stage of life. Wecan’tbe together all the time now. He works at the college. I don’t. Simon works with neither of us.”
“Does it still hurt when you’re not with your brother?”
“All the time,” I say, and close my eyes. “While I’m not one to care about what the world thinks or deems appropriate for siblings or friends, I have to think that maybe some of our codependency isa bitunhealthy. I should be able to breathe without him and not feel like I’m having a stroke, right?”
Sage’s eyes go wide and his lips part. I smile, shaking my head. “Yeah, it’s hard. And yeah, that’s why I’m… angry all the time. Why I kind of check out from time to time. Because I hate the reality my life has fallen into. I hate living without Simon. Time is supposed to heal all wounds or some shit. My wound is still fucking gaping. Every day, salt is smeared on it when he doesn’t answer us and it hurts all over again. Renewed.”
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly.
Shaking my head, I say, “Don’t. Don’t do that. I’m telling you because you told me something and I… maybe it’s good to tell someone. It clearly doesn’t change anything, but…” I shrug.
“Does it make you feel any better to have told someone?”
I take a minute to think about it. Does it? Do I feel lighter or like I can see clearly now?
“No.”
I bow my head a little at Declan’s answer. He’s not wrong. And I don’t feel any different. Except that I’ve had this man tied the fuck up while I used him for pleasure. I’m glad I told him.That partfeels good.
“Not in a way that might be helpful,” I admit, and cup his cheek. “But I’m glad I told you.”
Sage smiles. It’s loud and boisterous for a second before it softens. “Thanks for trusting me.”
I nod. “The thing is, the three of us, we made all these future plans. Where we’d go. What we’d do. How our life would look. And it was always together. The three of us. I know Simon interpreted that differently than Declan and I. But we used to talk about it all—the house we’d build. The kids we’d have. The places we’d vacation. There was never someone else involved in those plans. It was always three—Declan, Simon, and me. I suppose, in a way, that kept our hope alive. That there’d be a future where Simon would be ours. Like, really ours. Our husband to share. The father of our children. But now… I don’t see any future at all. It’s completely blank. Empty. It feels like I’m stuck in this one spot, moving nowhere.”
“Because he’s with someone else?” Sage asks.
