Page 48 of For Your Heart
But he’s completely checked out the next day. Like, absent completely. He looks at me and offers me a smile, but his thoughts are miles away. He’s not there at all. I’m not sure he even realized I was the one who said anything to him.
I’m trying not to let it bother me. I mean, we dug up some deep shit, right? It sounded like maybe he was coming to terms with something as we talked about it. The whole thing was hard for him to say, so why do I have a new pit growing in my stomach right now?
Why does something that felt like it connected us together on a deeper, more intimate level now suddenly feel like it actually created a gulf between us? What do I do about it?
It’s like we hit a peak in our relationship—whatever it is—and then came crashing down to where we’re just passing each other by again. Like we were when he first started. Strangers in the same workplace where I’m totally crushing on the new guy.
By noon, when he still hasn’t looked at me, I’m freaking out. I take my lunch outside and sit on the bleachers overlooking the track and dial Jordan. It’s only once it’s ringing that I remember they have a newborn and cross my fingers that I don’t wake Sparrow.
I nearly squeal when Jordan answers.
“I’m freaking out,” I squeak into the phone, trying to keep my voice down because I’m not sure how close he is to the baby, but don’t want to take the chance that I do wake him. “I thought we shared something deep, and I told him about Sammy and he told me… stuff… but now it’s like I don’t exist again. It’s like I’m less than the stranger I was. I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose. He left on good terms. I just don’t want to be nothing to him. I don’t—”
“Easy, Sage,” Jordan says. “Take a breath, man. Calm down.”
I try. I really do. But it feels like something is sitting on my chest. Squeezing my eyes closed, I concentrate on breathing. Each breath. One at a time.
“You okay?” Jordan asks.
No. I’m not okay. Not even a little bit.
“Sage,” he says gently.
I take a shaky breath and nod. “Yeah, okay. Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, man. You can call anytime. You know that. Tell me what happened.”
“I don’t… I just thought that…”
“Further back. You said something about Sammy?”
Nodding, I give him a brief recap. How she showed up spewing her bullshit about being my wife as if the last year never happened. I was so mad and then Damon was there. How he helped me through it (I didn’t go into detail though I wanted to because, man, sex has never been so good). Then how we talked. How I told him everything. And he told me some deeply personal things—which I don’t repeat.
He fucked me good again, made me wait to come, and then left after he cleaned me up and cuddled me for another minute.
“He was so nice. He pet me and told me everything was going to be okay. Jordan, he said he was proud of me!”
Jordan sighs. It’s quiet and I’m sure he doesn’t really know what to say.
“Do you think I—”
“No,” he says, cutting off my moment of doubt before I can voice it. “No, Sage. I don’t think you did anything wrong. I think, based on what you said now and how you’ve talked about him in the past, that he’s going through some shit. It’s entirely possible that your conversation with him, allowing him to unload on you, helped him. And that he’s now forced to think about it.”
“Yeah?” I ask. That sounds hopeful, but I don’t know if I can trust that. Can I?
“Take a breath. Take a step back. Let him make the next step. If he’s really going through something, he probably doesn’t realize he’s being weird,” Jordan says.
I know he’s right. I do. Deep down, I know all that without having been told it. Heisgoing through something with his bestie and brother. It’s hard on him. He’s angry. He said as much.
I’m being overly emotional and sensitive. This has nothing to do with me.
“Okay,” I say and take a deep breath. “You’re right. I’m fine. Everything is fine.”
“You don’t have to do that, Sage,” he says quietly. “Don’t pretend you’re fine if you’re not. It’s completely okay to feel hurt right now.”
That right there is thanks to River and lots of emotional validation that went on at the beginning of their relationship. Watching them grow and become the solid team and couple goals they are now is seriously one of my favorite parts about being in their lives.
It also causes constant heartache because more than anything, I want what they have. I want someone to look at me like I’m their world. Like what I say makes a difference to them. I want them to remember things I tell them because what’s important to me means something to them.
