Page 49 of For Your Heart
I want to be looked at the way Jordan looks at River—like they’re the best thing in the entire world. No, that they are his world. That there’s no one who has his heart more than this person. For a while there, I was convinced I was in love with Jordan because of the way he looked at River.
Because I want that. More than anything, I want to be that person for someone.
I think my heart says that I want that someone to be Damon.
Glancing back at the gym, I sigh. The entire building is cased in glass except the locker rooms and a large storage room. That means there’s natural light no matter where you are in the building. It also means people outside can see in.
I imagine that Damon’s there, on this side of the building, looking out. Watching me. I can even pretend I see him close to a window where there’s a figure with light hair overseeing someone on one of the weight machines.
“Sage?”
Sighing, I turn away so my back is to the gym. “Yeah. I think I didn’t heed your advice last time we spoke about him. Now I’m…”
“Hurting.”
I nod. “A little.”
“Time to talk to him.”
“Not right now. If he’s going through something, I don’t want to add to it. That’s not fair.”
“I don’t disagree, but make sure you don’t wait too long, either. There’s no reason that you need to hurt just so he doesn’t. You’ve spent enough time doing that.”
I huff. He’s not wrong. When you live your whole life to make someone else happy, there’s nothing you do that doesn’t hurt on some level.
When I broke it off with Sammy and told my mother I was going to live my best gay life how I wanted to, there was a certain level of healing that came with that. And I also promised myself I wouldn’t live my life at the expense of others’ feelings again, either.
But is this the same thing? Is it fair to really put that on Damon when he doesn’t know what I’m going through and he’s already knees deep in his own shit? In reality, I’m afraid if I tell him that maybe I’m feeling something for him, he’ll tell me we’re done.
He outright told me all he can offer me is sex.
“Jordan, if I tell him, then that’s it,” I say quietly. “He already told me he’s in a bad place and can’t give me more than sex. If I tell him…”
“Give me the phone,” I hear River say and I flinch. Uh oh. “Sweetheart, don’t take this the wrong way but if you’re waiting for him to come around when he’s already told you he’s not going to, you’re in for heartache. That’s not at all what you deserve. You know that.”
I sigh. “Yeah, I know. But I really like him.”
“I know you do, babe. I get it. But I want you to answer me honestly. Painfully honest. Okay?” I nod, though they can’t see that. “Has he given you any indication that he’s feeling something other than enjoying breaking in your asshole?”
Snorting, I laugh. “I don’t know,” I say. “I mean, he told me something he’s never told anyone, right? Does that mean more than I want it to mean?”
“He told you after you told him, yeah?” River asks.
“Yes.”
“Maybe it was more to put you at ease than it was a moment of trust.” The pit in my stomach grows. “Maybe he wanted you to know that he’s going through shit, too, so he understands. A bro solidarity thing, and all that. Hell, maybe just a friendship thing.”
I don’t want that to be true. But am I projecting what I want and reading into the situation for more than it is? Is that what’s happening right now?
My phone beeps, telling me lunch is over.
“Maybe you’re right,” I say. “So… I should just let it go. Right?”
“I can’t answer that,” River says gently. “Only you can.”
There’s a rustle and then Jordan’s back. “Sage, I’m not saying this to encourage you to get hurt, but I also think that if you feel strongly about this guy, you need to tell him. I know that sets you up for the potential of heartbreak, but it could also mean you don’t miss something right there in front of you. You don’t know how he’s feeling right now. Just keep it in mind. All right?”
“Yes.”
