Page 87 of For Your Heart
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“I want to go home,” he says.
Those words I hear, and they sting. I nod and take a step back, reluctantly dropping my hands from him. I reach for his hand, relieved when he lets me take it. His grip is tight but the fear in me says I feel finality in this touch.
I’m not ready for this to end. I don’t want it to end.
The silence outside should allow me to catch my breath, but I’m still struggling to breathe. I need to say something. Anything at all. But words don’t come. I’m not sure what to say to fix this. In my head, I can hear Declan practically yelling over the music into Zarek’s ear. Assuring him that it’s just a dance. It’s just how we dance. It doesn’tmeananything.
I’m not sure if that’s a lie or not. Is it?
“No. It’s not.”
It’s just how we’ve always danced. How we’d dance with him before we went to find someone to get off with.
Fuck, this isn’t a good thing.
The drive is quiet and I clutch his hand in mine tightly, not wanting to let it go. At a stoplight close to his subdivision, I ask, “You can’t do this. Can you?”
Sage flinches and turns his face away to look out the passenger window. His inability to look at me only makes my chest hurt all the more.
“I want to,” he says quietly. “You don’t know how badly I want to. But I… I don’t think I can look at that again. Or know that’s how you touch him when I’m not there. Especially since that’s how you touch him when Iamthere.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to say I’ve been touching Simon like that while we’ve been together since Simon finally came home but I know that’s only going to make this worse.
So I try something else. “I danced with Zarek like that,” I say. “Just like you danced with Zarek and Declan. I danced with my brother like that.”
Sage looks at me but because it’s late and dark, I can’t safely take my eyes from the road. “I understand why that should make this better and make me, maybe see reason… but it’s very different.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because you told me you’re in love with Simon,” he says, his words choked. Silence settles around us, and I get more panicky the closer we get to his house. I’m surprised when he speaks again. “Maybe it feels and looks so different because, even though Declan and Zarek have their own thing, we kind of had something with them too.”
Had. Past tense.
Fuck, please don’t do this.
“I don’t know how to make this better,” I say as I pull into his driveway. I throw it into park and grip his arm before he can bolt. “Tell me what you need from me.”
Sage shakes his head and his eyes glitter in the moonlight. But I know they shine like that because they’re filled with tears.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. You know that, right? I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you intentionally, Sage.”
He nods and sniffs. “I know,” he hiccups. “I have to go.”
Sage pulls his arm from me and practically bursts from my car. I watch, helpless, as he rushes inside, shutting the door behind him. Lights don’t turn on. Not a single one.
What do I do now?
Numbly, I drive home and find myself sitting in the shower under the hot water when my brother joins me. It’s hard to know where my heartbreak ends and his begins.
“That was a mistake,” I say dully.
Declan drops in front of me and pushes my legs apart so he can get closer. His entire body shivers as if he’s got a fever. I hug him tightly, his arms gripping me with all his strength.
The parallel between this moment and the one where Simon left is all too familiar. So fucking close to déjà vu that my head spins and the contents of my stomach threaten to come up.
“When did we fall in love?” I ask, breathless.
