Page 90 of For Your Heart
“Even when I know he wasn’t doing it to make me feel bad? Or to make me jealous?” Sammy wasn’t a vindictive girl, but I knew there were moments where she was trying for both. If I was into her as I was supposed to be, it might have worked. As it was, it was a wasted effort on me. You can’t make a gay man upset in a straight situation like that. At least, not this gay man.
“Even then,” Jordan assures me. “Sage, I know you’ve kind of beaten around this topic, not wanting to tell us the truth, but do you love him?”
“Yes,” I whine, drawing the answer out. “I’m so dumb to fall in love with the first man who has sex with me!”
He chuckles. “No, you’re not. It’s not the sex you fell in love with, but the man behind it.”
“Behind me,” I mutter.
He laughs again. “Have you told him?”
“No,” I whisper. “I didn’t want to push him if he wasn’t ready. So I didn’t tell him.”
“I know that we’ve been telling you to have a real conversation with him for weeks. Maybe months now. And you keep avoiding doing so. Sage, it’s time to talk to him.”
My eyes widen in horror. “NOW?!”
Jordan chuckles. “Yes, sweetie.” He rarely uses terms of endearment for me. That’s always River’s thing. I know that doesn’t mean he cares about me any less. When he uses one, it means that he’s about to lay some hard truths on me that he knows I don’t want to hear. “If you don’t tell him and this ends before you do, you’re going to be left with a whole lot more than heartache. The regret and always wondering ‘what if’ will be there forever. It has the potential to really fuck with any future relationships. You’ll always compare them to Damon. You need to find some courage and go to him. Tell him what you feel. And see what happens.”
The words ‘I don’t want to’ almost spill from my mouth in a perfect imitation of a three year old. He’s right. I know he’s right. That doesn’t change the fear inside me that insists I’m about to lose it all. Then again, maybe I already have. I ran away last night instead of talking.
“Okay,” I say.
“Okay?”
Nodding, I repeat the word. “Yes, okay. I’ll… I’ll go talk to him.”
“Right now?”
“Well, I—Yes. Right now.” I jump to my feet and then scramble to my door before I suddenly freeze. “Jordan?”
“Hm?”
“Tell me to go in my room.”
There’s a pause before he says, “Go into your room, Sage.”
Taking a breath, I step inside and then look around. Nothing is different. This is stillmyroom. Even if it’s where Damon has done very dirty things to me.
Swallowing around the memories, I duck my head and rush into my closet, where I dress quickly. Then duck into my bathroom and brush my teeth. I’m out of my room in no time at all. I don’t think I even hit the five-minute mark.
“You okay?” Jordan asks.
“Yes. Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m here for whatever you need.”
“Okay, then I need you to tell me to go find his address. However necessary.”
He doesn’t pause this time. “Go find Damon’s address by whatever means necessary, Sage.”
Swallowing, I nod. “Stay on the phone with me?”
“Yep. Go.”
I slap the phone into its cradle in my car and drive to work. Full-time trainers don’t work weekends, but we’re allowed to use the gym as part of our employment benefits. I let myself in and wave to Jenny before moving to the back.
The time clock is actually a computer. Although reception isn’t our responsibility, we’re taught how to create accounts and look them up. Just in case it gets super busy at the front and the ladies need backup.
