Page 92 of For Your Heart
We don’t want Simon to learn that we’re gay by someone else.
“Simon?”
“Yeah?” he answers, his fingers absently play over my stomach. He does that a lot; wherever his hand is, it’s like his fingers can’t keep still. I don’t even think he realizes he’s doing it. Like our hands in his hair, I think it soothes him.
“We want to tell you something.”
He shifts and picks his head up so he can look at me. “What?”
“Just say it.”
You say it!
I don’t continue to argue with my brother. Instead, I take a breath and say, “We’re gay.”
Simon just stares. He doesn’t comment as he looks at me. Finally, he says, “Gay?”
“You know how you like girls? You think they’re pretty or whatever?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Yeah, sure.”
“We like boys. Like that.”
“You think boys are pretty?” he asks, amused. “They’re dirty and they smell bad.”
I laugh and kiss his cheek. “You don’t.”
“Because you wash me. I did when—” His words cut off as he sucks in a breath. A second later, he lets out a long exhale. “Yeah. Okay.”
Declan wraps around him tighter. “Love you.”
Simon smiles. “I love you too.”
“You don’t care if we’re gay?” I ask. I don’t really want to push this conversation except that I need to know if this is going to get in the way of our friendship.
He shrugs. “Why would I care if you like boys instead of girls? Does it bother you that I like girls instead of boys?”
“Boys are clearly better,” Declan says.
Simon laughs. He shrugs again. “No. I don’t care who you like.”
* * *
Sunday findsus sitting on the couch. Miserable. Last night was sleepless for more than just the fact that Simon wasn’t here. The ache in my chest that I fell in love with someone and lost him just as quickly sits far too heavy.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve cried. The frustration at this entire situation has me nearly there. Losing Simon and then getting him back but it's still weird. Maybe if it wasn’t, I’d feel a little more stable. Then realizing I love this other man and not knowing how to even do that the right way. My first decision is something that clearly fucked it all up and I lost him as soon as I had him.
To make it worse, I feel everything twice. It’s not just my pain and heartache. It’s not just my tears I’m fighting or just my breath I’m trying to catch. I feel Declan’s too. It’s all well and good when we feel compounded happy feelings. But the bad? They can be downright debilitating.
Declan takes a shuddering breath and I pull him to me. He loses balance a little as he falls into my lap and then slowly rights himself so he’s practically straddling me. His dull, almost lifeless eyes stare into mine.
“I love you,” I say. “I’m never, ever going anywhere.”
He swallows. Nods. Words we need to hear, but they don’t help the emotions coming from each other. We already know that. Living without each other isn’t an option.
“Love you too,” he whispers. His fingers brush my jaw. Just a featherlight touch as I watch tears form in his eyes. “I hate this hurt. I’m not built for this.”
I laugh. The sound is fake and maybe a little bitter.
