Page 94 of Lacey's Fight

She was much too strong for that.

But she could bend and still be in pain.

And she was bent up inside, he knew it, recognized it because it was the same pain that had him all bent up inside. It wasn’t that he thought Lacey needed him to save her, but maybe he needed her to save him.

Or at least be there to guide him through the dark as he battled to find his way again. He’d never want her to feel burdened with the responsibility of his sanity, his happiness, or his life. Ben knew he didn’t deserve her light and warmth, but he wanted it anyway.

Craved it.

Was terrified that it was already outside his reach.

“I hurt her.” As much as he hated saying it out loud it was the truth, and you could only change what you acknowledged. And he wasn’t going to run from what he’d done, or hide it, he’d pushed her away out of fear, prioritized his own feelings above hers, and he wanted to make it up to her if only she’d give him a chance.

One little chance and he’d jump all over it.

“You regret hurting her though,” Coach said, a statement not a question.

“More than anything. It was supposed to be one time, I think—I know,” he corrected himself. She might not have outright said it, but it was more than obvious that she wanted to see what could happen between them. “Lacey wanted more, I did too, and I hated that I did. It felt like a betrayal to my wife, but in the end, I betrayed Lacey.” Jemima would always be part of him, but he didn’t want to add his wife as a third person to any relationship he might have with Lacey.

“Rayne and I were only supposed to have one night,” Ghost said. “Never figured on falling in love. Didn’t even think about it. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it.”

“I didn’t expect it, didn’t want it either, but now …”

“Now you can’t think of anything else,” Beatle finished.

“When it happens it happens, lightning strike you can’t ignore,” Fletch added.

“I’ve accepted it, I’m not even unhappy about it anymore. I’ve made my peace with Jemima’s murder as much as I’m ever going to, and I already decided that I want a future with Lacey. Problem is, I don’t think it’s what Lacey wants. At least not anymore.”

“She’s dealing with a lot,” Coach said. “Doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you.”

“When you two are in the same room her gaze keeps searching you out,” Blade told him. “In the hospital, the plane, no matter what she was doing every few minutes she’d look around, and once she saw you, she’d calm.”

She had?

He hadn’t realized.

All he’d seen was the way her gaze skittered over him like she was afraid of letting it linger in case he somehow caused her more pain.

These last couple of weeks had been so rough on her and the thought of pushing her now when she was so vulnerable made him want to back away.

But on the other hand, he knew if he walked away now he would lose the only chance Lacey might give him to make things right.

He needed that chance.

“You have to fight for what you want in life,” Truck said. “Lacey will come around. She’s a sweetheart, and I’ve never seen her show interest in a man like she has with you.”

“How do I use that though?” It felt kind of like junior high to be talking about girls like this with the guys, but he needed all the help he could get.

“Lacey’s sweet, flirty, and only looking for a good time,” Truck said. “Men see her as only one thing, good for a hot night of sex. Don’t tell Mary I said that though, okay? Big gestures are all well and good, but it’s the little things that show how much you care. You need to show Lacey that you see the real her. Do what none of us ever did and see the woman behind the bubbly smile. We all let her down, not just you. She’s real good at showing people what they want to see, not what’s really there. Don’t let her do that. Don’t let her hide. Make her be real. It’s what she wants deep down, and I think what you do too.”

“Wow.” Ben was speechless. That was really good advice.

They might have chosen completely opposite strategies, but he and Lacey had been doing basically the same thing.

He’d been hiding behind a cold, hard shell, keeping everyone out because it hurt too much to care about others especially when you held yourself responsible for your wife’s death.

She’d been hiding behind a perky smile and a whole lot of sass, pretending all she needed was a good time and nothing more.

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