Page 13 of Cougar

After I tell myself it’s time John and I remedy that, I listen as John and her talk more about the baby and what we can expect to see. He is asking worst-case scenario questions, while I have been pretty quiet the whole appointment—taking it all in as they talk.

I feel a lump start to form in my throat. Does this make me a bad mom? Should I be thinking about this and not him? I know he wants me. Wanting me means this little intruder is a packaged deal. He’s making sure everything is dealt with. I can’t help the tear that slips down my cheek.

“Okay. Luckily, the warmer isn’t on the fritz today, and this jelly won’t be cold. Once this is on, We’ll be able to see your baby. Are you ready?”

Giving a quick glance to John, I look back at her and tell her yes. Then John and I turn our heads to the big screen tv at the end of the bed.

“Well, I hope you didn’t want a surprise,” the doctor says, and I can’t help but laugh. I may not have seen a sonogram before, but I know a penis when I see one. “Seems your little guy wanted you to know sooner rather than later.”

“Oh, my gosh.” I continue to laugh and look over at John. He has a puzzled look on his face, and I think the doctor sees it too because she explains it by putting an arrow followed by I’m a boy.

I watch his intake of breath before he turns his head to me. “We’re having a boy? You’re giving me a son?” I immediately start crying at his reaction as he gives me a quick kiss. “Thank you, Birdie.”

***

“He was ass up, basically screaming, look at my penis! We’re having a boy!” Cougar shouts out the second we get back to the club. Shouts ring out, shots are poured, and as I stand here, wrapped in John’s arms, I can’t imagine my life any other way.

Six

Cougar

It’s been like a dream since my little songbird came into my life; I’ve been in this haze of happiness. Gears has been busting my balls since I claimed Birdie—making sure I’m not claiming her because of the baby. He wants to make sure that I really do love her.

Fuck.

Love.

I’m sure it’s part obsession, part infatuation with Aletta James, but can I honestly say I love her? Fuck yes, I can. Have I told her I am in love with her? No, I haven’t. I feel as if I could, that she wouldn’t run scared or tell me to fuck off. I believe she would say it back. The truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared because I don’t want her to think that I’m using those words to go further with her. We haven’t slept together. Well, there’s been lots of sleeping. But sex? Nope. Would she think I’m trying to bone her by telling her I love her?

You just said she’d say it back. Stop stalling, and tell her.

Fine. Fine. I chastise myself. The truth is, yes, I am scared. What I’m most afraid of, though, is will I hurt her? Will I hurt my son? Like, what if my dick punches him in the eye?

Jesus, my son. It doesn’t even feel like a lie. She’s my woman, and he’s my son. So many thoughts run through my head as I think about what life means for me now. I have a woman I love and a kid on the way. She came to me as a packaged deal. Nothing would have kept her from me. This baby is a bonus that I’m looking forward to. Seeing his little body on that screen was incredible. The amount of love I feel toward a little human who isn’t even in this world yet, it’s almost indescribable. But it also doesn’t come without its own set of worries.

Will I love him differently when Birdie and I decide to have our own kids—more kids? I guess the correct term would be my biological kids because this boy is mine. Fuck, will I love them differently? Will I treat my boy differently than his siblings without even knowing it? Should I not have any more children with AJ? This is a new sense of panic I’m experiencing, and I don’t like it. AJ and this baby are my entire fucking world already. The thought of not loving him the same as any of his siblings makes me feel like the world’s worst father, and I haven’t even become one yet.

I look around at my brothers at church as they all talk about something I should have been paying attention to. But I can’t get out of my head to give them the attention they need. My eyes land on Rambo. I’m sure that he knows how I feel. It’s possible that he thought it, too. Malika is his, and Dillon is his by choice. I’m in the same situation, or I would be if AJ and I had another kid. I should talk to him.

“Cougar, are you okay with that plan?” Prez’s voice saves me from my own brain.

“No. Sorry, Prez. I’m lost in my head.” I reply sheepishly, scrubbing my face with my hands.

“Why do I always feel like a babysitter? My girls listen better than all of you!” he shakes his head before he continues, “I need you to be the eyes around town right now. Artem said the feds came back a few days ago, and he isn’t sure what they are looking for. A few DEA guys are here as well, so you’re gonna make sure Artem’s dealers are in the know and help keep an eye on them. Fucking cops and feds coming down on everything in this town.” Cowboy explains. He’s exhausted. Everything that’s going on around us is taking a toll on everyone.

“I can keep my eyes and ears peeled around town,” I tell him, agreeing with the plan. “I’m curious. While I can see the hassle the government agencies being here can bring Artem and us, isn’t this good for us in a sense when it comes to The Company?”

I look around the room, and my brothers all look at each other, trying to determine if it is, in fact, a good thing. Storm is the first one to speak. “It could be, yes. With this much action in town, it’s possible that the people running the operation will get nervous and mess up.”

“True,” Judge chimes in, “but it could also mean they get scared and run. If that happens, we can’t do shit to those that deserve it.”

“Them running scared still gets them out of our town.” Zombie states.

“But it doesn’t fix the fucking problem.” Cowboy chimes in. “We have to figure out who the fuck is in charge of these assholes before the feds do and take care of them properly. These assholes don’t deserve prison. They hardly deserve death. Plus, we have some things we need to get revenge on, regardless of the feds being here.”

The guys continue to go back and forth, but something feels off. I’m not sure what it is, but they are avoiding something. Someone is keeping a secret. I know that we have a mole. We all do, but…this feels different. I look at the men around me and can’t see anyone doing something so fucked up. It doesn’t change the fact that someone is.

I shake my head, attempting to clear it out. I can’t think about the things I don’t know, and I don’t know enough to speculate or attempt to find the person who’s done this. I’m putting my faith in my Prez to handle this club. Speaking of Prez, he might be the best one for me to talk to about the kid dilemma.

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