Page 34 of Cougar

We stand here in the quiet for a few moments. I’ve said what I needed to say, and the ball is now in his court. Or the knife is in his hand. I don’t want to push him, but maybe that’s also what he needs.

“That day. You said something to me that day in the pen, do you remember?” I nod, and he continues, “You held me, and you didn’t let me fight you away. I don’t remember word for word what you said, but when you called me,” his voice hitches a little, “when you called me Dad, I felt like my son was talking to me again.”

I feel an ache in my chest. Is that what is hurting him? I feel guilty. I thought I had calmed him down. Instead, I broke this beast of a man all over again.

“I didn’t—” I start, but he cuts me off.

“—I was back in that dark place. The one I was in before, when…in that moment before you said…that.” He wipes his face and sniffs while his eyes stay on me. “Aletta and Abilene normally can pull me out enough. They seem to have the key to the room my mind tries to lock me in, but that day, I was almost lost to the demons. They had taken me into the room and had changed the locks. I was about to be pulled under for good. I could hear them. I was trying to get to my girls, but this time, it wasn’t enough. I was succumbing to the darkness. I was ready to give in and never come back.

“But then you came up to me, and you called me Dad. Someone who isn’t mine called me Dad. That alone opened the lock on the door. Then I was able to walk out as you told me that my grandson would need me here. It snapped something in me. I could still feel that I was broken, but at least I wasn’t being pulled under.

“Now, hearing you tell me about taking on the world for my daughter,” he shakes his head and continues after a moment. “All I have left in this family Abilene and I started together is Aletta. At least, that’s what I thought. I see it now, though. I see you as my family. I see how you’re joining my family, not taking away from it. When I look at our brothers, I see them for who they are, brothers. Don’t get me wrong, I’d lay my life down for them, but it was for the protection of Abilene and Aletta if the darkness claimed me. I did everything, I do everything, for them because that’s what a man does. You aren’t a boy at this moment. You are a man I want to call my son and brother.”

I walk up to him, and I wrap him in my arms. I feel the tears run down my face as I think about everything he’s said to me. There are so many layers to this man, and I am lucky enough to see some of the ones he keeps tucked away.

“Being able to call you Dad makes me the luckiest son of a bitch on this planet,” I tell him as I pull back. He grips my shoulders, and then everything changes. His hands slide up my neck and grip the base of my neck and face. Gone is the sweet man that confessed things to me. In its place is the Butcher we all fear.

“If you hurt my daughter or grandbaby in any way, I will kill you.”

I look him dead in the eye, “I’d hand you the knife.”

Fifteen

Aletta

Planning a party with only a day to spare is a fucking chore. I’m exhausted, but I admit, Elvira doesn’t let anything stop her. She has already gone out and gotten a lot of what is needed. We need to make sure everything is ready to go. Tomorrow is going to be an amazing day. Rambo and Audrina deserve everything good that comes their way and I’m happy I get to be a part of it.

But like I said, I’m fucking tired.

Taking a deep breath, I sit back in the rocking chair we have in our son’s room. I was worried about having a soft color palette, but I’m not anymore. I feel this insane sense of calm when I come in here. I picture holding him in this very chair—singing him to sleep, nursing him, or simply spending time with him because I can.

Because he’s mine.

Rubbing my stomach, I picture what he’s going to look like. Who he’s going to look like. I want more than anything for him to take after me, but knowing my luck, he’s going to look like his father. His father isn’t a bad-looking man. I thought he was so sexy, but finding out the truth about him is what made him ugly. However, even if my son comes out looking like a spitting image of his father, it won’t change a single thing about how I feel about him. Or how John feels about him.

John already loves this little boy, and he doesn’t have to.

He has zero reason to love me, my son, or to stay. There are times when I still think about how it’s possible to be this lucky. So many others don’t get this chance. This unreal, almost ethereal, chance at love. I found my soulmate in a karaoke bar, and when I came back into his life—telling him I’m pregnant by another man, he didn’t even bat an eye. This isn’t real life, but I’ll take it.

Closing my eyes, I start to relax as I continue to rock slowly. It’s easy to slip into sleep while in here. I feel the little kicks he gives me and smile. Rubbing my stomach, I start talking to him.

“Hey, little man. Mommy feels that you know. Are you a happy little intruder in there? Pushing on Mommy’s organs.” I continue to fire off questions as if he’s going to talk back. Something I’ll only accept while he’s living a life of luxury in my uterus. “You know, little man, Daddy and I really need to figure something out.”

“What’s that?”

I jump at the sound of John’s voice. I was so immersed in talking to my son, I wasn’t paying attention to anything else. My dad is going to kill me if he learns about how negligent I’ve been regarding my surroundings. John walks up to me, and as he leans down, he rubs my stomach and kisses me. His kiss deepens, and I moan into his mouth.

“Mmm,” I let out as I push him back, “names. We have to figure out his name.” I tell him.

“You said names. How many is he going to have?” he chuckles, and I wish I had something to throw at him. He lifts my feet and sits on the ottoman, replacing my feet on his lap.

“Jerk,” I smile at him. “If I’m being honest, we only need to agree to his first name. His middle name is Gunnar.”

He sits there for a moment as if he’s pondering what I’m saying before he asks, “That was your brother’s name, right?”

“His middle name, yes. I thought about naming the baby Bennett but decided Bennett was Bennett. I didn’t, or I guess don’t, want our son to feel like he’s the replacement. I don’t know. Does that even make sense? But I like the idea of using his middle name. I could probably explain that he’s not a replacement, and that it’s an honor to be named after his uncle, but I don’t know. I just want to name him after my brother, but not replace my brother, and I—”

“—Birdie! You’re rambling. I think it’s great. We will be able to tell him about his amazing uncle. And sure, he won’t ever meet him, but he will know him through the stories, and he gets to carry a part of him around with him always. I think it’s a great idea.”

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