Page 59 of Cougar

“Dad, you and I have some things we need to talk about,” I tell him, and he looks me in the eyes, his face somber, and gives me a nod. I adjust myself on the bed to get a little more comfortable and decide it’s now or never.

“When Bennett died, you fell into yourself. You changed. We all did. I’m not faulting you for that at all. We grieved in the ways we knew how. But, sometimes, those changes made things hard for me. I wasn’t always sure how to handle you or how to be enough. I miss my brother, but sometimes I felt like you forgot about me.

“It’s a lot of the reason why I moved to Seattle. I needed to get away and find myself. I love being your daughter, but it was time for me not to be known as your daughter. I needed to be able to make mistakes and not worry about you coming up behind me and punching someone in the face because you didn’t agree with what they did.

“Take earlier. You punched John for doing what I asked him to do. Which, mind you, he didn’t want to leave me. You snapped so easily on him.”

“I love you more than myself, Aletta. I couldn’t fathom how he could be away from you.”

“But that doesn’t mean you need to kick his ass, Dad. He’s the father of your grandson. You can’t walk up and hit him whenever you fucking want to. What message is that going to tell my kid? Because if he acts like that, I’ll kick his ass. Kinda like how I want to kick yours.”

I run my hands through my hair and let out a small groan. Dad looks down at his lap. He may be a mean and scary man, but he’s also one of the most sensitive people around. People don’t get to know that bit of information about him, though. That’s saved for Mom and me.

“Dad. You are the best man in the world. I know you don’t think so, but I do. I am so lucky to be able to call you my dad. Bennett was lucky too. Unfortunately, we all handle pain differently. I know that had you known what was going on with him, you would have been right there to save him.

“But, back then, I felt like all that mattered was him. I know it’s terrible for me to say. It’s selfish, and it isn’t fair to you, but that’s what my pain did to me. But now, I’m no longer in pain. I know who I am, and I know what I have. I have the best man who loves me and our son, and I have the best dad a girl could ask for.”

He chokes on a sob before he grabs my hand, “I didn’t mean to make you feel like you weren’t enough. Lettie, something broke in me when your brother died, and I found out why. My job as your dad is to love you and keep you safe. When your brother died, I felt like the world’s biggest failure. I never meant to push you away, but I lost myself.

“It’s not an excuse. I’m not trying to dismiss anything, but it’s my truth. I broke, and I almost didn’t come back. Something isn’t right up here,” he taps his head, “but I’m trying. I held you so tightly because I was afraid I would lose you. And then I did. You left.”

“Daddy, you never lost me. I…. I just needed time to find me. But I would never walk away from you or Mom.”

“Lettie….”

He doesn’t say anything. He stays immobile and cries. Tears stream down his face as he thinks about everything I’ve said, what he’s said, what we’ve both been feeling. I sit myself up and grip his shoulder, pulling him toward me. I wrap my arms around him, and he wraps his around me in return.

“Life hasn’t been easy for us, Daddy. I know you have demons and skeletons in your closet, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re the best dad in this world. Anyone would be lucky to be loved by you—even if you smother me a little bit,” I joke, and he lets out a small chuckle.

“There are things about me, Lettie. If you knew them, you wouldn’t be saying this.”

“Please. If these real-life MCs are anything like the ones I read about, I have an idea.”

“Oh, come on. Not you, too.”

We pull away from each other, and I know he’s teasing me about loving romance books as much as my mother. What can I say? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree when it comes to that woman and me.

We lay for a while, talking about anything and everything. He asks about the baby, and I tell him everything except the truth. It’s a secret that I don’t know if I will ever tell. Why should I have to? John loves me and my son regardless. There’s no question in my mind about him being the father to my son.

I will admit that I wonder about Kline. What would he do had I told him I was pregnant instead of leaving? But then I think about the family he already has, and I couldn’t bring myself to ruin that. Is it fair for me to hide the baby from him? No, probably not. But it wasn’t fair for him to hide a wife and kids from me.

We’re both in the wrong.

I can’t allow myself to dwell on it, though. John gives me everything I need. He’s here for me in a way I’ve never had before. It doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I still wonder if I’m doing the right thing.

Fuck. What if I really am in the wrong, and I need to tell Kline? I need to give him a chance? Right? Shit, shit, shit. No. No. The baby’s daddy is John. No one else.

“Lettie? Lettie, honey. You gotta calm down.”

I register that Dad is talking to me, but my mind is making me spike. I feel like I’m about to crash. What is happening to me?

The nurse comes in right as I’m about to say something is wrong and looks at the monitors.

“Okay, sweetie. I’m going to put this on you, and I need you to take some deep breaths,” she tells me as she places an oxygen mask on my face. I do as she says, and she watches the monitors. “Good, good. Nice, deep breaths. Okay. That’s looking better already. I’m going to go speak to the doctor.”

She lays me back a little bit and tells me to relax as best I can and breathe deeply before she quickly leaves the room. I still feel like I am going to crash. Am I ruining John’s life by making him raise another man’s baby?

“What’s going on?” I hear his voice from the door.

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