Page 65 of Cougar

“No,” I sob, “don’t do this to them. Please. Please don’t do this. I’m right here. Take me back. Please take me back.” I beg. My head hits the wall as I attempt to hold my daughter and my grandson through the video. I can’t. Of course, I can’t.

I don’t look as Manda’s soft cries ring loudly in my ears as she and my grandson sit vigil at my bedside.

“No cry, Mama. No cry.” I hear Teddy say, causing me to look up and see him trying to hug and comfort Manda.

“That’s my boy. You watch out for your mama.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I’m in the room with them. I glance around, and there are no white walls anywhere. I’m here. I’m back. I try to reach out, but I can’t. I can’t move at all.

No. No. You didn’t bring me here just to torture me more.

“Dad. It feels like only yesterday when I got you back. You came into my life when I needed you the most. You’ve been my biggest supporter and the reason why Teddy is as great as he is. How am I gonna do this without you?” Manda asks, taking my hand as I lay still in the bed.

It’s strange seeing myself like this. My salt and pepper beard is stained red with blood. I will give the doctors some credit. It does look like they tried to wash it away. My greying hair and pale skin almost match the sheets. While I can’t move the way I want to, I can look more closely at the machines that surround me.

I realize why I am in limbo.

The machines are keeping me here, and I think it’s why I can’t move. I can’t go back to my body because my body is no longer mine. This life, it’s no longer mine. I can’t reach out to my daughter and my grandson as I’m no longer in my body.

“What do I do, Daddy?” she asks my lifeless form.

As much as I don’t want to admit it, I know exactly what it is she needs to do. She needs to let me go. These machines are my life force. What I am right now, as I stand behind them, is me now. I can’t go back, no matter how much I want to.

Everyone can say goodbye, but they aren’t talking to me. Not anymore.

“You got this, baby girl. I believe in you.” I whisper.

At the sound of my voice, Teddy’s head whips around, and he looks directly at me. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he can see me. He stops hugging his mama and starts reaching out for me.

“Gumps! Gumps!” His little grabby hands call to me, and my heart stutters in my chest. The pain I felt earlier with my shattering heart, it’s back, but it’s different. At least it feels different. I don’t know if it’s possible, given I’m almost dead.

Manda turns to look behind her, but she looks straight through me. I frown at the revelation that she can’t see me. Wait, my boy can. I know he can. He’s still looking at me. I am a ghost! Holy shit, ghosts are real. A brief moment of childhood excitement escapes when I think of what’s to come.

Does this mean I still get to be with them? Will I be able to help her in ways she won’t know? Still talk to my boy and watch him grow? She stands as she turns back to my lifeless body, only turning back around to place Teddy on the chair. He sits still like the good boy he is as Manda sits on the bed and drapes herself over me. She holds onto me and cries harder—her sobs more broken than before.

“Teddy,” I call my boy’s attention to me. Even though I couldn’t before, I attempt to move. Color me surprised when I can. I put myself next to the chair and crouch down to his level, causing my knees to come into my line of sight. I glance down at myself and notice I am now in pants and a T-shirt. Turning my attention back to my grandson, I smile, and he smiles back at me. “I need you to be a good boy for Mama, okay?”

Teddy nods as he reaches for me again, but his hand passes through mine. The puzzled look on his face breaks me even more, but I attempt to hold it together. His mama is still crying her heart out and not looking toward me. I turn back toward Teddy, “You listen to her and help her smile as much as you can in a day. And you love her always.” I know it’s a lot to put on his tiny shoulders, but I know he will do what he can for her.

“Gumps.”

The way he says it calls Mandas’ attention back to her boy.

“Ya buddy, this is Gumps.” She picks him up, and now they both sit at my bedside. “Your Gumps was a great man. He was always the life of the party. I know we only got to keep him for a short while, but he will always be a special part of us.” She pulls him in close and tries to hide her tears again.

I want to reach out, wrap them both up, and tell them I’m right here. I will always be right here! But again, my feet can’t move, so I tell her, even though she can’t hear me, “I love you, Manda. I will always love you and Teddy. I promise you. Let me go, honey. It’s okay.”

The next thing I know, I am standing in the middle of my bedroom. There she is, Natasha, the fiery light of my life. I try and go to her, but whoever is in control of this spiritual slideshow is a fucking dick.

“I am so sorry, sweetheart. I am sorry you have to live through this. I never wanted to leave you like this. I wanted you to be with me forever. I wanted to love you and make you happy for the rest of your life.” I tell her as she stands at my dresser, looking at herself in the mirror.

Even with her face flushed and tear-stained, she is still the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I watch her as she cries and tries to pull herself together again. Only to fall apart over and over again. Then, all of a sudden, it’s like she is itchy and too hot. She stops crying and starts scratching and pulling at her clothes.

She screams and clears out everything from my dresser. She starts throwing all my dirty laundry from the chair. It doesn’t take me long to realize she’s breaking our bedroom. She stops, looks around the room at the mess she’s created, then backtracks to my dresser. She pulls open my shirt drawer but then stops. She starts to strip down to her underwear. I watch her. I watch to memorize every curve and every part of her sweet, smooth skin. I’m sad I never got to talk her into her first tattoo. She would have looked hot with ink on her smooth, porcelain skin.

She reaches into the back part of the drawer where I shove the shirts I’ve worn but aren’t dirty enough to be washed. Thinking about it now, I was kinda gross. I smile, though, because she makes the face she always does when she grabs one. My quirks drove her nuts. She was never in the system, so she didn’t understand. It was something I picked up and never stopped as I grew older. As she rips the shirt out, the small ring box I had shoved back there flies out.

She stops. Her body still faces the mirror, but her head turns, and looks at the box. That’s when I see it, over her left breast. Holy. Shit. She put my road name over her heart. She really did love me. She picks up the box and slowly opens it before placing it on the dresser. Her hand comes up to her mouth as she looks down at the simple, single solitaire diamond set on a platinum band. Beautiful but understated, just like her. I’m not sure if she’s going to throw it or throw up. Her face is blank, vacant.

“I knew he would give me a ring while I was in my underwear. I always knew it.” She places the shirt in her left hand on the dresser, then picks the ring out of the box. However, she doesn’t place it on her left hand; she places it on her right. The ring finger that tells the world she’s a widow.

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