Page 78 of Cougar

Fourteen days after Elvira, Judge, and the rest of the family watched Storm take his last breath, Mama planned, and executed, the most beautifully perfect funeral on the ranch.

In attendance was almost five hundred people who showed up to pay their respects to Theodore “Storm” Lovitt. The support the community gave to the Nameless Order and our families has been too much for my hormones to take. I lost everything when his brothers and members of the other MCs took their final ride. I wanted to go with, but decided it wasn’t the best idea. I couldn’t keep my shit together to stay upright on the bike. I kissed John goodbye and told him I’d be waiting for him at home when the ride was over.

He’d come home after the ride and I held him while he cried. He told me stories about when he first came into the club and how much Storm loved everyone. He hated losing him. He was trying to be strong, but I told him he didn’t need to. He could break down with me.

“I love you John. If you need to cry, I’m not going to tell you not to. You’ve lost someone who means the world to you. Whatever you need from me, I’m here to give it.”

We made love that night. It was slow and beautiful. He held me as close as he could and his tears continued to flow. It was almost like an out of body experience. I could feel how much he loves me, but I could also feel how much he needed me to take his pain away. So that’s exactly what I did.

I swung by the garage, hoping to help with anything the guys might need, but they chose to not open yet. There wasn’t anything pressing that couldn’t wait a few more days. The garage became a shrine to his memory. Candles, pictures, teddy bears, you name it, it was all in the pile outside one of the bays.

Now, here we are ten days after the funeral, and I’m sitting here surrounded by all the men, women, and children of the Nameless Order. I feel guilty as hell. I wanted to change our plans. I didn’t care this was in the works. I wasn’t ready and I didn’t think anyone else would be either. They’ve gotta be pretending just like I am.

There’s a table stacked high with gifts for the baby John and I are bringing into the world. While the sight brings me joy, as it shows how much this baby is loved already, I still think it’s all too soon. Why are we celebrating something happy so soon after a tragedy? I wasn’t as close to Storm as everyone else here, and I feel this way. How can they not?

Scanning the room, I take stock of the missing faces and a huge wave of emotions hit me. I need to get away from the crowd.

John gives me a kiss on the cheek as I excuse myself. I make my way to the sunroom. It’s aptly named—all three walls are floor to ceiling windows that give the most amazing view of the pasture. I watch as the cattle graze without a care in the world. To be them, even for a moment. No pain, no worries, just being.

I watch a little longer as I focus on the small calves jumping around and chasing each other. The sight takes my mind off the pain and I think if I can find a bit more joy in these little moments, it will overtake the guilt I feel. But my own plan backfires as I allow the guilt of forcing people to be happy when they aren’t ready to, seep in. They don’t want to be here. Who fucking would, Aletta? It’s been less than thirty days since—

“You’re thinking too hard,” a voice tells me, startling me from my thoughts.

“Oh! Judge…s-sorry,” I stutter as I look around. Maybe I’m not supposed to be in here.

Judge walks toward me, stopping once he’s at my side. “Here in this house, I’m Ken. One of the grandparents to this little miracle. It’s only out there, outside of these walls, when I’m Judge,” he tells me as he motions to a chair at the large table. Once I’ve sat, he takes his place slowly across from me, his movements hindered by still healing wounds and his arm in a sling.

I smile as I remember the day John asked him and Elvira to be grandparents to our son. He explained how they had helped him out from a dark place, introduced him to hard work, and finding your own way in life. They helped show him that family isn’t always about blood, but who you choose to surround yourself with.

“Okay, Ken,” I smile.

“Now, why were you in here thinking so hard? This day’s been in the books for a while now. You should be happy, not in here watching cows shit,” he tells me and I can’t help but let out a small laugh. “Today’s about you, Aletta. About you becoming one day closer to being a mom and your son coming into this world. You should be soaking up all the attention everyone is here to give.” Ken’s eyes are gentle. He holds so much kindness in his soul. I feel it as he speaks to me and looks me in my eye. I can tell he can see I’m hiding, just like I can see what he’s hiding too.

Against my will, my eyes well.

“I know,” I start, wiping the tears that have slipped away. “I was looking forward to it. The party is great. I love what my mom and Elvira have put together and the fact everyone came. But I can’t get past this insane amount of guilt that it’s too soon. We’re all in different stages of mourning. It hasn’t been long since…” I stop myself because I don’t want to become a blubbering mess. “I just…I just feel like this could have waited a bit longer. We didn’t have to do this today. We could have even waited until after he was born.” I explain as I rub my hands around my stomach.

Judge—Ken—lets out a breath and gives me a shaky smile. “Theo was a lot of things. A pain in the ass being his most prominent, but endearing, quality. But he wasn’t one to take the thunder from someone else. Even in death, he wouldn’t want anyone’s lives to be put on hold.

“Yes, it’s hard. But you know what? It’s going to be hard for a long time. All of us had different relationships with Theo. He was my best friend and my soulmate. I don’t know if I will ever get over losing him. I had him for most of my life. Longer than I’ve had Elvira and my kids. This isn’t something I’ll be able to move past anytime soon. And I know this. I accept it. So I choose to continue to live my life the way I need to. I can’t miss out on things because he’s gone. Everyone here is here because they want to be.

“Sure, we’re all sad, but we all deserve to have happy moments too. Theo wouldn’t want us to stay in and think about everything we will no longer have. Besides, I’m sure I’ve done enough of that for everyone.

“Your mom and El have had this day in the works for months. They wanted it to be perfect. This is the first baby shower your mom has been able to throw. It’s her first grandbaby. Believe it or not, Theo had a hand in a few things as well.”

“He did?” I ask as I perk up.

Ken nods his head, “Yep, he sure did. He picked out the cupcakes.” Pointing over his shoulder, my eyes follow and make contact with the tower of cinnamon crunch cupcakes on the island.

“Really? How’d he know I’d love those?” I was shocked. I didn’t think he and I had enough interactions at work for him to know some of my favorite things—like freaking cereal.

“Theo was a lurker,” Ken says with a sad smile and I can’t help but choke on a laugh.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I say as I pound my chest.

This time, Ken gives me a genuine smile, “It’s okay. But he was. He was a lurker, but he’d tell you he was just observant. It’s what made him great in his position of VP in this club. He noticed you were the first one to claim the cinnamon buns, and when you were feeling sick, you’d make Cougar get you a box of cinnamon toast cereal. From those little things alone, he knew you’d love these. Apparently, the idea of cupcakes covered in icing filled with crushed cereal was shot down,” he shrugs.

“What? That would have been amazing!” I practically yell out.

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