Page 84 of Cougar

Dad throws his hands up in surrender and agrees.

We sit together and watch John sway when my dad turns toward me. “One day, you’re going to tell me the truth.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, slightly panicked.

“The baby isn’t his,” he whispers to me, and I feel my stomach drop.

“Daddy…”

He holds his hand up, “I’m not asking you to tell me now. But I have eyes, baby girl. And while these eyes see that he isn’t the baby’s father, he is his daddy.”

I start to cry as my dad pulls me into a hug. We stay like that as John finishes his song, completely unaware of the conversation my dad and I just had. I look up at my dad and smile.

“He’s lucky to have a daddy like John.”

“That he is, baby girl. Oh! I forgot, I brought you something.”

Dad pulls a large, wrapped gift from beside the couch. How did I miss him walking in with that? I take it from him, telling him thank you, as I start to open it. When all the paper is gone, I flip it over and in a beautiful frame, is a photo collage of our son.

“Daddy, this is beautiful,” I tell him as I wipe the tears from my eyes. I look at all the pictures before I get to the bottom. Right there in the center, in gold lettering it reads:

Rhys Gunnar Wayne

Born 9/12/2023. 9lbs, 10oz, 22in.

Thirty Six

Epilogue Two - Five Years Later

Judge

“The first year without you was hard as hell. There’s no point in sugarcoating it, Theo. I was a goddamn mess without you. Elvira didn’t give up on me, though. She stood right there by my side, helping me navigate the pain.” I tell his headstone. I tell myself he’s sitting right next to me, listening to my stories. I come here every year on the anniversary of his death and tell him about what’s been going on. Or at least I try to. It’s been hard for me, but I’ve gotten better with acceptance.

The first year seemed impossible to get through. I wanted to give up so many times, but I was always reminded of who I would be leaving behind if I did. I sought comfort in my dreams. On the days that were particularly bad for me, Theo would show up in my dreams and tell me how big of a dumbass I was being. We’d talk, and for a little while, it was like he was right there with me.

It took a while for me to be able to function after waking up from those dreams. They felt so real. I still have them, and they still feel just as real. He’s told me about being with Yaya, and Marley, finding Shea, and he’s even met my mom. I know it’s my mind telling me these things, but I feel better thinking about how he isn’t alone.

Now, here I am, five years later, ready to really talk to him about what’s been going on. Surprisingly, we don’t mention it much in my dreams. I ask about him, and he reminds me that if I get to him before I’m supposed to, he’ll kill me all over again.

“Where do I begin?” I close my eyes, and I swear I hear him tell me, “Just start talking.”

I chuckle and do exactly as he says. “Well, Artem and I had a bit of a falling out over RJ. That’s a lot to go into, though. It took some time, but Artem and I are okay now. Same as RJ and I. He called me Dad for the first time last year. I didn’t stop crying for, like, two hours.

“More babies are on the way. I swear something is in the water. I’m now at fourteen grandchildren. I think the craziest one, though, was Bri and Cowboy’s last baby. They now have three, and one of them is biological, all thanks to Ashlynn, of all people.

I think back to when Bri and Jonathan announced they were having a baby.

“We all thought they were adopting a baby who hadn’t been born yet, but then Ashlynn being Ashlynn, came in and announced how not drinking for the next nine months better be worth it. Everyone lost their shit, but in the end, we got a healthy baby boy.

“The great moment of her pregnancy, outside of her giving birth, was when Willie showed up with Ashlynn in tow at 2 AM outside of JJ and Bri’s house to drop a highly emotional and angry Ashlynn. When JJ answered the door, Willie looked at him while pushing Ashlynn toward him, and said ‘You two did this to her. You can deal with this. Fix it!’ and left her there.

“Everyone was shocked, but also didn’t blame him because the woman did not handle being pregnant well. In fact, Ashlynn said she will never ever be pregnant again and immediately started drinking once she was coherent enough. It was only one of those shot bottles because she wanted to be able to hold the baby and give him all the love he deserved. She’s been the best aunt in the world to Matty. They named him Mathew Kenneth. Once again, I cried for about two hours.”

I pause and let the wind that’s picked up wrap itself around me. Some believe that’s your loved one letting you know they’re there with you, and I fully believe it. He’s here with me.

“Manda is fully settled with Dizz. Elvira had been calling and checking in weekly and was planning on visiting monthly, but Meg put a stop to that. Meg reminded us both, but mainly El, that Manda is a legal adult and is making her own way in the world. Speaking of Dizz, he has been thriving in North Carolina. Carrying on the great reputation of the Nameless Order—authority looks good on him. He has come a long way, and I couldn’t be more proud of him.

“Copper talked me into opening a troubled youth camp for teens who need a firm hand and the tools to grow up right. He is using his police training and roped Ellie into being the social worker for it. They make a hell of a team, and their sweet girls are taking after their namesakes. Tilly even has her own wooden spoon she uses to keep the boys in line.”

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