Page 28 of Double the Dilemma

His eyes filled with lust, but then he blinked and it was gone. “I just told you that I’m going to be the one talking, Karissa. You need to be quiet, and you need to hear me. Not only what you want to hear, but all of it. Do you understand?”

“I understand that you’re an ass—” She let out a small yelp of surprise when brought his hand up and covered her mouth with it. She glared at him, trying to nip him, but he held her stare, meaning business. “‘uck ‘oo,” she sneered, even with her voice muffled. She gave him a shove, but he held his ground.

“Just shut the hell up, Karissa,” he snapped. “I swear to God, I don’t know why the hell I’m even fighting with you anymore,” he sighed, pulling his hand away, then stepped back and leaned against the bathroom door. The bathroom was small, so there wasn’t a lot of space between them, but it was enough for her to watch him. He held her gaze and said, “You know what, I’m not going to fight with you tonight. I’ve had enough today. I don’t think I’ve ever had to work so hard to convince a woman to give me a chance. To help her, to let me into her life. But with you, I have to fight so damn hard, it feels like throwing myself at a brick wall over and over. Eventually I’m going to give myself a concussion.”

Karissa stiffened at his words. Well, that sorted that, didn’t it? Razor was finally going to see reason and stop fighting with her. For her. She should be elated, so why was her stomach cramping, and why were her hands trembling? This was no different from any of the other times she’d been left behind. Everyone walked away at some point, and she finally pushed Razor to that point. “I’ve been telling you for a long time you and I were never going to work,” she pointed out tightly. “Now you can see why.”

Razor regarded her quietly for a moment. Finally he looked away and said, “You know what I realized downstairs in Church? I don’t know you. I don’t know anything about the woman I’ve been sleeping with for months, the woman that I want for myself. You’re a virtual stranger because the only person you let close is Esme, and you still kept her at arm’s length. My only consolation with this whole situation is that you didn’t trust her enough to tell her about Sena, either. At least she and I have something in common.”

“It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her,” Karissa argued, heart clenching. “I didn’t want to burden her with my problems. The cartel being after her was far more worrying than some psychopath from my past.” Though she knew that it wasn’t completely true. She did trust Esme, and she thought about telling her the truth; instead, she glossed over the details, telling Esme she was part of a former mercenary team and that was why she was on the run. She figured it would be easier for everyone… and maybe a small piece of her didn’t want Esme to leave her like everyone else.

Razor shook his head lightly. “No, you didn’t trust her. Just like you don’t trust me. Not completely. You trust me with parts of you, with your body, but that’s where you draw the line and put up a wall. When I asked you questions about your past, about your life, you deflected or distracted me with sex. And I need to take the blame for that too, because I let you. But now, finding out that this person from your past is after you, it just goes to show how far apart you and I are.”

“I’ve told you that I don’t want a relationship, so why would I tell you any of that?”

He sighed a heavy sound that was weary and tired. “Karissa, I have made no secret that I want you. Not just for sex, or something casual, but something permanent. I want to know everything about you, and I want you to be my Old Lady. Part of that means that I accept you for who you are. I know full well you’ll never just stand back and let me lead or handle shit that might affect us or the club. You’re going to be standing right beside me. In case you missed it, none of us have picked weak women. You’re stronger than most, and you and I are going to butt heads, but when it comes to your safety, you’re damn right I’m going to try and protect you.

“Because that is what a relationship is. You’re there for the other person, no matter what. You were there for me when that trafficker was after the girls in the library. Even as pissed as I was about it, I was grateful too. Don’t think for one second that I won’t do the same for you. Not to control you, or to prove that I’m stronger or better than you, but because I care what happens to you. I tried to tell you that in the gym earlier today, but obviously you didn’t care, or you didn’t really let it sink in. You still tried to sneak out anyway.” He shook his head. “I planned on bringing you up here, tying you to the damn bed, and making you see reason, but I’m realizing now that’s not going to work. You need to be the one to make the choice. I’m still not going to let you out of this room tonight, because I need you here with me, but tomorrow, if you want another room, I’ll get you set up.” He straightened, turned, and opened the door. “I need to shower. You want to join me, fine, but if not, you can wait out there. And if you try to leave, there’s a brother stationed outside the bedroom door, and one outside below the window.”

She stared at him, and she swallowed hard. She felt like she was standing on the brink of something important, but she couldn’t quite wrap her mind around what it was. Instead, she slipped off the counter without a word, walked out of the bathroom and went to sit on the bed. She was too tired to try and escape, and she needed to think. Razor quietly shut the door, and within a few seconds she heard the shower turn on and the tinkle of his belt as he stripped out of his clothes.

She sat there, staring at the door, replaying everything Razor said to her.

She leaned forward, braced her elbows on her thighs and pressed the heels of her palms against her eyes as she tried to process. Razor was right, she never let him in. Why would she? She was so certain what they had was nothing more than physical. The sex was off the charts, and that was enough. Hell, in the beginning, sex was all the two of them wanted. As soon as they were finished, he would leave, and she had been perfectly fine with that. She never asked him to stay; never needed him to.

She wasn’t sure when it changed, but it had. Maybe more so for him, but for her too. He stayed a little longer, going another round or two, but also asking her about small things. It hit her like a gut punch that that was the moment things changed for him. He started to take an interest in her, but she hadn’t seen it. Or she hadn’t wanted to. If she had, would she have been able to stop herself from falling for him?

She didn’t know, but realized he was trying to make her see things differently. She figured that she was a challenge for him, and that eventually he would get bored and move on. But he hadn’t. He stuck around, showing up at her work and driving her crazy. It pissed her off, but maybe she was wrong in that. She was certain he would walk away, but maybe he was showing her that he wouldn’t. Because he hadn’t.

It was all a mess, and this was why relationships were never an option for her. She didn’t want the headache of having to answer to someone. She’d had other men try, but once they hit that wall, they walked away, not wanting to put in the effort. She wasn’t so clueless that she couldn’t see that Razor was at least trying. Hell, he made more progress than anyone else.

Now, he was questioning everything and considering giving up, too. Why wasn’t she relieved? She wondered before what would happen if she just gave in and gave him what he wanted. It terrified her to lose herself. To let a man become so important to her that she became someone she didn’t even recognize. Or, worse, someone she despised. Because she would despise herself for that.

She listened to the water splash as he showered, and she felt a burning in her gut that made her want to stand up and go to him. But could she? What would happen if she did? Would she be giving in and handing him control of her life? Everything in her rebelled against that thought.

She wouldn’t be able to leave the clubhouse, that was clear, but that didn’t mean she had to stay with Razor longer than tonight. He said he would get her her own room, or she could stay with Esme, and they could both take some time to think.

She let out a frustrated sound, anger making her stand and start to pace. Anger at herself, at Razor, at Sena, and at the situation. She was letting her emotions get the better of her judgement, and she needed to get a grip. So she did what she did best: she sorted through the facts, and pushed her emotions to the side.

Did she want the club’s help?Yes, to a point.

Did she want Razor’s help?Yes.

Could she step back and let the club handle this?No, she needed to be involved.

Could she work with them and still take some direction from them if it was in the best interest of her and the other women and children on the grounds?Yes, though it would be hard.

Could she walk away from Razor and be perfectly happy to be alone when this was all over?

The last question gave her pause. Her head told her she would survive, but her heart told her that she would not be happy. She’d be walking away from a man that wormed his way under her skin in ways that she never allowed before. Never wanted before.

Her heart pounded as she realized exactly what that meant. She didn’t want to walk away from Razor. But she didn’t want to lose her identity or her independence either. So she had to make a decision.

Did she walk away and let the chips fall where they may? Or did she put herself on the line and trust Razor, and hope that he would be able to accept her as she was, the way he said he would, and maybe have some of the happiness that she was longing for?

CHAPTERSIXTEEN

RAZOR

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