Page 32 of The Belle and the Biker

He thrusts his arm out, holding the vase away from his body, and hurries from the room. I wash my hands twice to remove all lingering Harold cooties. Then I fetch my purse, cardigan, and Tiddlywinks, and we head for the front door.

“We’re going to do some shopping, and if anyone says anything mean to you, I’ll punch them in the schnoz,” I inform her. “I know, I know, I’m a better person these days. But if someone insults you, that’s bullying, and we’re allowed to correct bad manners, aren’t we? Teaching people how to be their best selves is a good deed, and nothing helps correct a bad attitude like a fist to the snout.” Also, after that disappointment with the roses, I’ve got some leftover aggression that needs addressing.

Tiddlywinks makes an “erf” sound, which is her way of saying yes. I like how she always agrees with me.

“Are you still here?” Aunt Hepzibah asks.

“Unfortunately.”

“Oh, your family’s here early.” She glances at her watch and sniffs disapprovingly. It’s only 11:30 a.m. “They must have wanted to get a head start on raiding the liquor cabinet.”

“They’re your family too.”

“Are they, though? I wouldn’t mind one of those DNA tests. I might be pleasantly surprised.” She squints out the window, watching them walk up the long white pea-gravel driveway. “And what is that piece of gutter trash attached to his arm?”

I look out the window to see who she’s talking about. The dry heave seizes me again, and I refrain from making a gagging sound. Harold and Mimi are walking up the steps. “That’s the gutter trash who ended my marriage, remember? Mimi Applebottom.”

“She certainly is,” Aunt Hepzibah says with a disapproving glance at Mimi’s too-tight slacks. Mimi used to dress a lot better when she was copying everything I did.

“Why are women suddenly acting like Harold isn’t the nastiest thing since roadkill? They used to smell him coming from three blocks away and run so fast they left scorch marks.”

“Oh, he recently found out he’s coming into a big inheritance next month.” She snorts in contempt. “Some firm contacted him and asked for a DNA test, and it looks like that’s the only test he’s ever passed in his life. He’s trying to keep it quiet so people won’t start asking him to pay back all the money he owes them, but he couldn’t help but tell a few women about it.”

“An inheritance from who?” His parents and grandparents are broke as a joke.

“It turns out that he’s descended, on his mother’s side, from an old branch of the family who lived in Asheville. You haven’t met them. They skedaddled out of here around the 1920s and changed their name when they moved. Some big scandal involving loose morals and adultery. They’re worse than your side of the family.”

“No!” I gasp dramatically.

She fails to pick up on my irony. “I’m afraid so. Anyway, he’s just a distant cousin, but he’s apparently the last of the line. The reading of the will is in a few weeks, and he’s getting a big portion of the land here in Sugar Hill, which had been held in trust all this time. He’ll be almost as rich as I am when his money comes in.” She lets out a caw of laughter, watching Mimi petting Harold’s arm. “All these fool women fawning over him, thinking he’ll marry them when he’s got a big fat bank account. They’ll be in for a big disappointment. Men don’t buy the cow when they can get the milk for free.”

“Well, that’s a charming nineteenth-century sentiment. I should run along and let you attend to your guests,” I say. I’m dying to meet up with Harper and tell her what I just learned.

“It’s probably for the best. I suppose you can leave Tiddlywinks here if you prefer.”

What is Aunt Hepzibah’s game? She’s never been a dog person. I glance down at Tiddlywinks nervously. “There are wild animals around here. When she’s walked, she needs to be on a leash.”

“Do I look like a fool to you?”

My mouth twitches. Nope, I’m not going there; it’s just too easy.

“Don’t you back-sass me, child.” Aunt Hepzibah’s penciled brows draw together in a glower.

“I wouldn’t dream of it. At your age, you might have a stroke.” I hand Tiddlywinks to her and hurry off before she can reply.

I meet Harold and Mimi in the foyer and try to sidle on by them with a quick “Hey!”

Harold shakes Mimi off him. “I need to talk to Savannah for a minute.”

“But Harold, honey…” Mimi pets Harold’s arm.

“I’ll be right with you, sugar britches. You go on in.”

She stomps off in a huff and stalks into the foyer, letting the door slam behind her.

I sidestep Harold, moving toward the front door.

“You sure look pretty today,” he tells my boobs. “Did you get my flowers?”

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