Page 81 of Honeyed

“No. We should get a divorce, as soon as possible.” Just saying the words makes me want to throw up.

Alana backs away from me and recoils like I’ve thrown a dagger at her chest. The bed we’ve made love in, where we’ve physically strengthened our marriage, is now a pit of untruths and disloyalty. I did that, but I’ll cut my own heart out to make sure she’s spared any harm.

“No. You’re not doing this.” A tear trickles down her cheek. “I knew you’d go here or make some rash decision like this. I know you, Warren. And I say no. I’m not letting you do this.”

Alana hits the mattress with her open palm like that will get all her frustrations out.

“It’s too dangerous for you to be involved. Now that August has accepted the scholarship and is all enrolled at school, and the store is open and thriving, we should get …”

I stutter, not able to speak the word just one more time. Alana stares at me with disappointment, anger, and painful sadness, marring that beautiful face.

“This wasn’t supposed to be permanent, we both knew that. It was a means to an end. We got everything we needed out of it, and now it’s time to realize that this isn’t serving either of us. Our marriage was a contract, and we’ve both fulfilled it. Now there isn’t a need to keep doing this when so much is on the line, so we should just call it.”

Every word feels like a knife being twisted tighter and deeper into my gut, and I have to physically restrain myself from doubling over and heaving. I don’t mean any of it, but if this separation can save her from what always seems to be looming over my head, I’ll do it every time.

The bedroom is eerily silent and tense, and I want to take it all back, but I bite my tongue to stop myself.

“Stop being a coward. Fight for us, or I will. I won’t di-divorce you.” Even she stalls over the word like it’s impossible to get out.

“Alana, please, see reason. You understand why—”

“NO!” she cries, tossing a pillow off the bed in anger. “You see reason. This is ridiculous, Warren. We both know what you’re trying to do, and I’m not listening to this fucking bullshit for one minute. I love you, so deeply and for so long that it’s ingrained in me. I don’t know how not to. It’s the same for you, we both know it. You’re the only man I have ever and will ever love, which means that when things get tough or downright dangerous, I stick by you. We weather the storms forever. When I said for better or for worse, I fucking meant it, whether you think our beginning was fake or not. You go down? I’m sinking right there with you. You have a scuffle with some asshole director, I’m by your side to fight our battle together. We’re a package deal, and nothing is going to end that. Ever. Not even when you’re being fucking stupid while acting like you’re selfless. Just don’t. Love me as fiercely as I know you can, that’s all I need. Now, in five years, in fifty years, it’s you and me. Just us two, no one else. So you can act like an idiot, but I won’t sign anything you fucking serve me. I’ll fight you tooth and nail, because I love you that much and I’m not denying that for one second longer of my life.”

By the time she finishes, we’re both panting from the emotion swirling around us.

“Al, if I ever lost you, I couldn’t …” My voice breaks as I trail off, and I’m shocked to feel the tear sliding down my cheek.

She launches herself onto me, and I topple over, my hand unconsciously spanning her waist to make sure she’s okay as she straddles me. Her mouth fuses to mine, and at first, I fight the kiss. I don’t give in to her writhing on me or assaulting my mouth until her tongue pushes past my stiff lips, and then I can’t help myself.

Because this is the most beautiful thing on earth to me, the lover I’ll never get tired of, the wife I still can’t believe is mine in any real way. And she knows me so well that she won’t let me give up on us or use any of my old excuses. Alana is my match, time after time. We know each other more intimately and deeply than any other person on the planet. When I can’t fight for us, she will, and vice versa.

The will to fight this, to put distance between us, seeps out of my body with each lash of her tongue on mine. The kiss is a punishment for trying to break us up. Alana is teaching me a lesson as much as she’s proving that she’ll never stop loving me.

We’re furious and scrambling in our attempt to get naked, the passion and desperation reaching a fever-pitch. Hands grapple on skin, tugging and stroking and trying to convey the frustration and love bleeding out on the sheets bunched beneath us.

Alana is biting my lower lip when I slide into her, bare and hard and shaking with every pent-up emotion.

She writhes, moaning my name as her slickness coats me, her body allowing my intrusion.

Everything in me throbs with the need to show her how much I love her, how terrified I am that something may happen to her. Taking a deep breath, I still, when I’m fully seated, our eyes connecting.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” I press my forehead to hers as we pause there, connected from mind to body to soul.

Alana’s hand grabs my chin, holding it so I look at her. “I will never leave you. Not by choice, not by force. You and me, that’s forever.”

I gulp, knowing that this is the single most pivotal moment of my life. I thought it was the day I realized I was in love with her, or maybe the day I injured myself and my future was taken from me. I used to think that maybe it was our wedding day.

But no, it’s right now. Because for the first time in my life, I’m looking fear and risk right in the face and deciding to stay. A person I love with everything in me is looking me in the face and telling me that come hell or high water, they’ll never abandon me. Those two things have never happened, which makes this exact second a revelation for me.

“I love you. So much that I’d lay my own life down for you. Knowing that something might happen …” I break off, never having felt this much emotion during sex. A tear slides down Alana’s cheek, and I swipe it away with my thumb. “You’re the best part of me, of my life. Have been since I can remember. I never want to live without you.”

“You won’t have to, I promise. Now make love to me.”

Clasping both her hands, I pin them back to the mattress and hold tight as I stroke into her slowly from root to tip. A sighed plea leaves her lips as her gaze goes to the ceiling.

“Eyes on me,” I say softly, quietly, because I need her with me right now.

We’re lost in the pleasure, daylight coating our bodies, as I make love to the only woman I’ve ever loved. And when we unravel, it’s with our gazes locked, love existing like this pulsing, tangible object between us.

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