Page 103 of Closer than Ever

“That you be my sugar daddy?”

“I could think of worse things.” The smile that returned to her face was what Anna wanted to see, even though they were having a hard conversation. Hayley perked up. “You’re making me sweat here.” She exhaled, as if purging the bad vibes from her body. “What if we go crazy and take a year and go all around the world? We could start with the tour around Europe, then sell the van, and set off east. I’ve been thinking about it. I think it would be incredible. Can you imagine? You and me exploring the world together? Think of all the fun we could have. It would be so special to share that with you. It feels so right to me.” Hayley’s eyes were both pleading and steady.

The question of Anna going with her on the rest of her trip had hung between them unspoken for a while now. Hayley wouldn’t make such an offer lightly. Anna felt queasy, but not from the picnic.

“I’m so sorry but it’s not what I want. I’ve loved our trip around Scotland and I’m so grateful to you for it. But I want to be here. I want to spend my days in a place that feels like home and put down some roots. Would you consider giving up your plans to stay here with me? We both know you would find that boring and that it wouldn’t be enough for you. Hayley, I’m so worried that we want very different lives on a fundamental level.”

Hayley turned her head away and looked off into the distance.

The very idea of them being in the same place and being together properly felt so far-fetched. Could Hayley not see that? Anna hated herself for coming to that conclusion. But what was she supposed to do? Anna wanted safety. Routine. Family. Hayley wanted spontaneity and risk. Hayley wasn’t going to settle down with her here. She wanted to explore the world and a new career, not watch films together on the sofa. How could they hold that against each other? How could she ever ask Hayley to change? She loved her too much to get in the way of her plans. She’d loved Hayley so deeply and for so long that it was part of Anna’s DNA, but for some reason changing everything to put Hayley at the centre of her world when she had left her high and dry once before felt like a step too far.

“I don’t see why any of this stuff matters. You either want to be with me or you don’t.” Hayley’s voice was smaller and more vulnerable than Anna had ever heard it. It was heartbreaking.

Anna rubbed her neck. This was so difficult for both of them. It was like they were locked in an impossible situation. “It’s not as simple as that. I don’t want a long-distance relationship while you travel the world. And I don’t want to hold you back.”

“You wouldn’t be holding me back.”

“It’s not just that you are leaving. We are so different. We want different things out of life.”

“Difference is good. We balance each other out.”

Anna held her eyes, unsure if it was. “I’m afraid it won’t work out and I can’t bear to risk our friendship. I know you think we would stay friends but it’s not a given when feelings are involved. I’ve seen it happen.”

“Is that how you think of us?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what the solution is here.”

“Neither do I.”

Hayley stood and packed up the picnic and blanket. The drive home was quiet, tense and sad. There was this heavy and low feeling that hit Anna right in the gut.

Once they got home, Anna didn’t know what to do. She was in limbo, a state of flux and anxiety. Was she going to lose Hayley forever again? She couldn’t see a way through this.

Hayley paced the living room, having not sat down since they got home. Anna was leaning forward on the sofa, hugging her own waist, trying not to be sick.

“Anna.” Hayley stopped pacing and sat right in front of her on the coffee table. “Listen to me.”

Anna straightened up and looked at Hayley sitting in front of her, hoping she had the solution.

Hayley’s eyes were wild and fearful. But there was something else in there too. There was love. Anna breathed it in but was it enough?

“I came back here thinking it was Scotland that I needed. That it was Scotland that had made me feel happy. Most myself. Most free. But it wasn’t. It’s you. You are what ignites me. You make me feel so seen and accepted for who I am. I want you to know how I feel about you because this is real. This is so fucking real to me, Anna. I love you. I’m in love with you and I always have been. You’re the only thing that’s ever made sense to me.”

Anna’s heart pounded.

Hayley continued. “You remember that conversation we had in that restaurant about what we want in a partner? We both described each other. I can’t stop thinking about that. Can you? I’ve fallen for you so hard. I never expected it, but at the same time I realised it was always there. I was always in love with you. What we have is so precious. We had this between us all those years ago and we squandered it. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time, but it is now. I can feel it. Being in Scotland was the last time I felt happy because that was the last time I was with you. Let’s not waste another second of life not being with each other and making each other happy. We could have everything together if only you’d have more vision for what life could be like and take a risk. Take a risk on me. For me. Please. I’m begging you.”

“Hayley…”

Hayley knelt in front of Anna and rested her forearms on Anna’s thighs. Her fingers gripped at Anna’s legs.

Leaning forward, Anna lifted her up and hugged her tight. To be loved by Hayley was the best thing in the world. But Anna’s heart ached already at the inescapable reality of them splitting up one day. Anna pulled back and looked into fearful eyes that probably mirrored her own. She tucked some hair behind Hayley’s ear, feeling an excruciating mixture of love and fear. “Why does this feel so painful?”

“It doesn’t have to be painful. We could have everything together.”

“You want us to be a couple yet you’re leaving and giving me no promises about anything except making me a kept woman living a nomadic lifestyle that I don’t want.”

“Ouch.”

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