Page 104 of Closer than Ever

“I’m terrified you’re going to get bored of me. Your idea of fun is going out and doing new things all the time, but I need more downtime. I’ve been making an extra special effort for the trip but I’m not sure I can live like that twenty-four seven. I like to cosy up, and I want someone who doesn’t make me feel bad for not going out all the time. Magnify that on a round-the-world trip and I’d be exhausted. You’d see me for who I really am – you’d find me boring.”

Hayley moved back from her. There was hurt in her eyes. “I know who you are and that’s what I want. I think we are great together.”

“You say that, but I’ve seen how disappointed you get. It’s a constant tension between us. It makes me feel guilty that I’m holding you back.”

Hayley looked down at Anna’s thighs.

Anna continued. “Where will I be if I quit my job, my home, my life, and follow you around the world and it doesn’t work out? I’ll have even less time to move on and find someone to settle down with. I want to have a baby. A family. I’m ready for it. I just don’t want to travel and live that life. Can’t you see that?”

Hayley didn’t say anything.

“I’m so sorry.”

“This wife you keep saying that you want to find… maybe you don’t need to look any more because I’m your person, Anna. I love you.”

Anna opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.

“And if you want to meet someone you need to get out there. You won’t find them sitting at home wishing for it. But you don’t have to go through all that because I’m right here. I want all the same stuff as you do one day. You’ve already found her.”

Anna’s old wounds rose to the surface, jagged and scalding. “You said you were my person once before and then you disappeared on me. How do I know it wouldn’t happen again? You said we would keep in touch before and then I didn’t hear from you for years. On the one hand, we were just two friends who drifted apart, which I understood and it was fine, but on the other hand, we were never just friends and you left me. You left me, Hayley. You were my person already. I don’t think you know how much that hurt me. I didn’t go on about it and I did forgive you. You explained what was going on for you and I got it. I get it. But that doesn’t change the hurt that’s still there. It worries me. I’m just not sure I can trust you not to leave me again. I think it might destroy me.”

“Anna, I would never just disappear on you again. Please believe me.”

Anna’s breathing was shallow. She was burning up and slightly dizzy.

“Are you okay?”

“No. Not really. Are you?”

Hayley shook her head and sighed. “No.”

Anna tried to take a breath and gather her scrambled thoughts. Anxiety smashed into her at the possibility she was ruining everything.

Hayley’s face turned harder. “Is safety and certainty really what you want? Aren’t you just letting fear dictate your life?”

“I’m trying to be rational and see this objectively.”

“Then why did you get close to me again? Why did you make me feel like this was a possibility?”

“Because I’m in love with you.”

Hayley stared at her. After a long time, it seemed, she finally blinked.

“If I let myself, I’d cling to you so much you would find me suffocating. I’m one tiny step away from giving you everything, but I just can’t. When we were on our trip, I loved every second we spent together. Even when you were making me fly through trees or swim in freezing cold water.” Anna paused and took a deep breath. It did nothing to settle her. “I couldn’t stop myself from getting close to you. I’m sorry. I did try.”

Hayley held Anna’s hand and searched her eyes, feverishly. “You love me. I love you. That should be all that matters.”

Anna felt close to tears. “It’s too risky.”

“The only thing that’s certain in life is that there is no certainty. You’re a fool if you think otherwise. We’re in love. We have fun together even when we’re not really doing anything. I don’t need all that external stuff when I have you. I’ve made my case around the future and wanting the same things as you but you keep ignoring that. I don’t know what else to say.” Hayley stopped. She took her hand away. Her eyes turned cooler and it sent shivers down Anna’s spine. It was like watching the sun set, not knowing if it would ever rise again. “I will not beg again.”

Anna held her breath. Hayley was slipping through her fingers and there was nothing she could do about it. Anna sat forward and held her head in her hands. Tears threatened but she pushed them back down. They sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity, neither able to make this better and go back to the way it was.

Hayley stood. Her stance was rigid. “It’s late.” Her voice was cold. “I’d like to go to bed please. I’d prefer to sleep on the couch.”

Eighteen

The door clicked shut behind her. She triple checked her bag and her pockets that she had everything with her. She did. Her brain wasn’t working this morning. While it was super inconvenient that her car was still at work and she had to walk in, a bit of fresh air might help clear her head. She’d hardly slept last night. For hours she’d tossed and turned, desperately wanting to go through and start up the whole conversation again to fix it this time, somehow, or to just hold Hayley close. Her heart ached knowing that she couldn’t do either of those things right now.

---