Page 106 of Closer than Ever

Why was she feeling this crushed? If it wasn’t meant to be with Hayley, why did it feel like her whole world had collapsed? Anna kept going at the gym, this time stabbing the buttons on the treadmill and ranking up the speed and incline. She ran and ran, appreciating the pain in her legs and lungs.

After the gym, Anna tried to relax in the bath at home but her feelings were all over the place. She couldn’t regret having said something. Wouldn’t it have been worse if she had kept quiet? It was true what she’d told Hayley. If she’d let herself, she’d have followed Hayley to the ends of the earth and completely lost herself in the process. She would have stuck to her like glue long after it was clear that things weren’t moving in the right direction for Anna and then where would she be? It would have destroyed Anna’s heart, her future, and their beautiful friendship. She was certain of it. If only Anna had held back and not let anything happen between them, she wouldn’t be feeling like this. The bath had turned cold. She rested her hands along the side of it and pushed herself up to standing as the water dripped off her.

Work came around far too soon. She spent the morning helping to organise Glenbuinidh’s presence at the Balbuinidh Highland Games at the end of July. Last year had been such a success with the launch of their new bottle, Queen of Spirits. The pressure was on to make this year’s festivities equally as successful. Normally she’d be super excited but today she couldn’t generate any enthusiasm. It didn’t sit well with her that she was like this. She’d never been apathetic about her job at Glenbuinidh. Her whole life felt like it was crumbling around her from her own lack of interest in it. She sighed. Hayley had done it again. She’d broken her.

In the afternoon, Anna sat with Kelly on a bench in the garden in front of the visitor entrance over lunch. It was a beautiful and sunny day, but she couldn’t really enjoy it. She wasn’t hungry so she watched Kelly have a sandwich while she sipped coffee. She brought Kelly up to speed, knowing they both had things to get back to after lunch. Anna spared few details except how much sex she and Hayley had on the trip. No one needed to know that.

Kelly puffed out her cheeks. “Jeez.”

“I know.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I’m struggling to make sense of it all. My head feels like a mess. It’s all jumbled up.”

“It sounds very intense.”

“I guess it’s been building up for years,” Anna said.

“Maybe you both needed to get it all out there? Your true feelings, I mean, your deepest fears.”

“Mmm.”

“Give her time. Give yourself time. Then see how you feel? It might not be over.”

“It feels over. I can’t see what’s going to change to make it not be. A relationship with Hayley is a risk I’m not willing to take. I can’t believe I was so stupid.”

Kelly pressed her lips together and smiled but it was more like a grimace.

“Hayley’s letter was pretty clear. We both know there are things between us that can’t be changed. Maybe we both just need to accept it.” Anna clenched her jaw and frowned.

“I’m so sorry, Anna.”

Anna unclenched her jaw and her lower lip trembled. Tears formed but she shut them down. “I just have to accept it and then things will be fine. Then I’ll be able to move on.”

“Is that really what you want?”

“It has to be. I don’t have it in me to risk this.”

“Taking a risk will be involved with anyone you date next.”

“It’s different with Hayley.”

“How so?”

Anna was quiet for a few moments. The sun shone on her face, and for a second, she remembered how it felt to be loved by Hayley, and then, to be left by Hayley. “I’ve never loved anyone as much as I’ve loved her. Being with her, even as a friend, is the best feeling ever. I nearly didn’t recover the last time she left. I can’t go through that again.” Anna paused, feeling like shit. “Fuck. To be honest, I am going through it again, only it’s worse this time.”

“Oh Anna.”

“It’s fine. It’s for the best. It has to be.”

***

A month later, there was a big storm in Balbuinidh. High winds brought dramatic clouds of rain, thunder and lightning. Anna watched from her living room window during the night as the rain lashed at the window and battered Joyce’s flowers.

The next morning, Kelly messaged. A tree had fallen down and was blocking the road leading onto the estate. Anna went over to help clear the road.

The chainsaw was deafening, even over the ear protection, as she sliced the tree into manageable chunks. Despite her regular gym sessions, her muscles ached as she strained to hold the machine in place. It felt good to be able to help her friends out, plus, it was amazing to use a chainsaw. She had only ever used one once before. Myla and Kelly threw the chunks into a dumper truck. It was just as well Myla was building an animal shelter on the estate and had bought a whole shop’s worth of construction equipment. They took it in turns with the chainsaw, carrying logs, and driving the dumper truck back to the log shed. It took hours to clear the road of all the debris. It was hard work, but worth it.

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