Page 108 of Closer than Ever

Anna inhaled. There was no her and Hayley. It was like there was this giant hole in her heart where Hayley should have been. Her chest had this dull ache in it all the time. No matter how much deep breathing or mindfulness she did, nothing seemed to help. “I thought I would be feeling better about it by now, but I’m not. I thought I’d be happy with Hayley going off and doing her own thing and me getting back into my own life, but it doesn’t seem to be working out that way.”

“How so?” Myla leant forward.

Anna blew out an unsatisfied breath. “I guess I’m hardly leaving the house except for work or groceries. Everything reminds me of her. It’s like I’m suspended in a permanent state of post-Hayley blues. The whole thing sucks. It’s like I know I can’t have a proper relationship with her but at the same time, I feel like I can’t live without her.”

“Are you sure there’s nothing you can do to make it work?” Kelly’s eyes were kind.

Anna shook her head. “I don’t think so. I just can’t see it.”

Kelly and Myla were both quiet.

“What?” Anna said.

“Are you sure?” Kelly said, switching into her boss of Glenbuinidh face. Anna knew it well.

“She asked me to quit my job and my life here to go travelling and live some nomadic life. It’s crazy. I can’t risk my whole life. You know that all I want is to live a quiet, family life in Balbuinidh. It’s the complete opposite of what she wants. I’m doing the sensible thing.”

Kelly took a drink of wine and was quiet for a few moments.

Myla stared at Barley, stroking his back, looking very uncomfortable.

“Anna, you know that I love you. You know I want what’s best for you, right?” Kelly said, back with her kind eyes again.

“I know that.” Anna nodded.

“I don’t think this is the sensible thing. I think you’re creating the risk you say you don’t want. No one knows what’s going to happen in life. If you find love, you do everything you can to protect it and hold onto it. Do you really want to risk losing Hayley a second time?”

“She’s left me already.”

“Anna, you can be a bit stubborn sometimes. Did you give her a choice? Did you even try to shift a millimetre? Or did you assume she would leave, act like an arse, then pat yourself on the back for being right when she did what any rational person would do when faced with an immovable object?”

Anna scoffed, feeling so called out, but also immensely cared for by Kelly even though she was being brutal. “I don’t know how to be any other way.”

***

Anna gripped the handle of the axe positioned high above her head and smashed it down on the log. It cracked into pieces with a loud clap and fell away from the stump. The weather had turned cooler. Summer was well and truly over now that they were into September. Winter was on its way. She had to get her pile of logs ready. She usually holed up over autumn and winter and took some time off during the low season. It couldn’t come soon enough.

She picked up the newly chopped bits of wood and threw them into her stack by the side of the house before placing a fresh chunk on the chopping block. It was more satisfying to chop her own wood and keep a good supply of dry wood on the go. There was something about sourcing it locally and doing it herself that felt good.

But things hadn’t been good lately, in the general sense of the word. She hadn’t seen her parents in ages and had flaked on Rose and Lauren twice. It was hard to let people see her when she was struggling with something. She’d completely stopped going to her running club and to the gym. Even Jamie from the pub had texted to see where she was. What would Hayley think of her right now?

Pushing Hayley away was eating her up inside. She felt so bad about what she had done. Time only intensified her guilt. It was worse during the night. She dreamt about Hayley often but even the dreams didn’t bring her relief, only more misery about what she had done. She was back to not sleeping well.

Anna smashed the wood into pieces. The contact of the axe on the wood reverberated around her hands and arms. It felt good to be doing something with her frustration. She was no further forward. All that had happened was over two months of zero communication. Not a single word. This lack of communication was so typical of Hayley. Didn’t this prove Anna right? That all Hayley ever did was work her into a frenzy of love and lust and then leave her to pick up the pieces? Part of Anna wanted to hear from her just so she could tell her off for being so non-communicative. What happened to them being friends no matter what?

Of course, Anna hadn’t contacted Hayley either. Each time she went to do it, nothing would come forward. On some level, she’d wanted or needed to hear from Hayley first, but the longer it went on, the more she questioned the validity of that thinking. It was Anna who had prevented them from taking the next step. This mess was all on her.

The only thing stopping her from marching over to Europe right now and hunting Hayley down was Hayley’s Instagram account. After a particularly dark thought, Anna had created an account just to check that Hayley was alive. But seeing what Hayley was up to, and in what country, quickly became the only thing keeping her going. She spent her evenings following Hayley’s journey, which provided some relief in terms of knowing that she was safe. Her pictures were stunning. Mountains, cities, architecture, sunsets. Hayley wasn’t posting any photos of herself, however, which was hugely disappointing. Anna found herself browsing Hayley’s Instagram page more often than she cared to admit.

She didn’t post that often, but she was clearly having the time of her life. The number of countries she had got around was incredible. Anna was losing count. From what she’d seen, Hayley had spent time in the Netherlands, Denmark, Sweden, Germany, Poland, Austria, and Slovenia. There was a group trip walking in the Swiss Alps. She would be getting ready for Italy soon. She had been looking forward to visiting there. She’d talked about it so much. It was mind-boggling what Hayley was getting to experience. It was indeed the trip of a lifetime.

To think Anna had turned it down to sit on her sofa in sleepy Balbuinidh and pine for Hayley like this didn’t seem right, but that was what she was doing.

The campervan must have been so hot over summer, and still hot now that she was in southern Europe in mid-September. Hayley probably wore very little. She probably looked incredible sauntering around Europe without a care in the world.

No.

Anna couldn’t let herself go there. It was too painful to think of Hayley in that way any more. It wasn’t right. Anna hadn’t had an orgasm since Hayley left. All the feeling had left her in that department.

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