Page 113 of Closer than Ever

“Great girl,” her dad said. “Is she still in Europe?”

“She is.”

He took a sip of tea from the same blue mug he always drank out of. “When is she back?”

“She’s not coming back.”

Her mum and dad grimaced in solidarity with her. She appreciated the gesture so much, and the lack of judgement.

“Oh honey,” her mum said. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I am too.” Anna cleared her throat. “Anyway, back to you two.” She was desperate to change the subject. “Tell me more about these plans. Maybe I can help with the Glasgow flat.”

After breakfast, Anna wandered around her parents’ back garden, past the plants she had grown up with, the newer vegetable garden and the seating area around the firepit they all loved. The idea she wouldn’t get to see her favourite flowers again next year filled her with sadness. Plates and cups rattled as the dishwasher was loaded, her parents dancing around each other through the kitchen window. She’d seen this scene a million times from this garden, in different seasons, over the years. How was she going to give up her childhood home? To think her own future children would never know this home was hard. Her parents were doing the right thing for themselves. Starting a new life somewhere they knew they’d be happier and breaking from the same old routine was inspiring, in a way. Even if Anna hadn’t seen it coming.

She sat under her favourite tree. It was a large oak that had been there long before she was born and would be there for many more years to come. She had sat under this tree so many times, although not for a while. It used to be her space to breathe.

The branches were thick and knotted. She hadn’t really looked at her tree in a while, come to think of it. Maybe she had taken the tree for granted. It felt rough to the touch like it held a thousand secrets. It stretched up into the sky. It always looked that bit bigger directly underneath it. That hadn’t stopped her as a child. She smiled. She’d climbed this tree countless times when she was young. She would sit on a branch, looking out towards the sunset or just being a passive observer of the leaves playing in the breeze. She once tried to turn it into a treehouse but there was really no space and her parents made her dismantle the wobbly platform she’d attempted to install.

As she traced her fingers over the familiar footholds and the best branches from which to start an ascent, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d climbed it. As a child, Anna never used to worry about heights or falling, or about anything really. She used to be so adventurous and free. It was a wonderful feeling. In many ways, it was her truest self. She had long since forgotten about it, but it was the truth.

Anna put her foot onto the first wedge and pulled herself up by the first branch. She climbed and climbed until she got to her favourite spot and settled herself onto the branch. It was hard work, but fun. It was high up. How the fuck did she do this so easily when she was nine? Little Anna was fearless. She was impressed with her younger self. And she was impressed with her current self for climbing it again and not being afraid of falling. There was something about sitting in the same spot as she had all those years ago that shifted something in her. It had never left her. She was the same person she’d always been, deep down.

The leaves in her parents’ garden and in the neighbours’ had turned orange and red. It was chilly, but she didn’t care. She was seeing things so clearly. She’d thought her risk-averse ways were helping to manage her anxiety, but perhaps they were the cause of it. What if she’d taken the risk to trust herself that she wasn’t interested in boys? Perhaps her anxiety was caused by cutting herself off from her true self, starting with her sexuality and then her inner child. And now it was making her miss out on life. She was capable. She could take risks and handle things just like the little girl that used to climb this tree. Spending time with Hayley this year had reminded her of that. She’d just chosen not to see it. But now she saw.

She took a deep breath in and let out a long exhale. She swung her feet in the air below her, for warmth, and because why not? What sort of life could she lead knowing these things? Wasn’t it better to feel stronger in herself before she ever finally did start having children? There were bound to be many unknowns involved in raising a child, so in many ways, she had to move past her anxious approach to life once and for all. It was the healthy thing to do for her, and her future family.

Was she still happy up in Balbuinidh? She had been so wedded to a vision of how her life should be there. Maybe she could take some time to explore this side of her? It wasn’t the right time to settle down and start a family just yet, not when it felt like she had so much more to experience. A bit like how Hayley was living her life.

She stopped swinging her feet. Everything came back to Hayley. And Hayley brought Anna back to her truest self. Anna could be fully herself around her. Like that time Hayley got the skateboard out and encouraged Anna to get back on it. Like that time Hayley jumped into a supermarket trolley when they were on their trip and demanded that Anna push her about the car park. It was so silly, but it was so fun. She’d felt like a little kid again, breaking the rules. Anna would never have even thought of doing something like that. Hayley made Anna feel more connected to the little girl that used to climb this tree. Anna had never had this type of connection with anyone else. It was all that mattered in the end.

Anna was still as the simple truth presented itself. Hayley, and everything she offered in terms of them being together, was perfect for her. Her love for Hayley had grown and deepened since they were younger, even though they’d spent much of that time apart. Anna still had that same feeling in her chest but now it was bigger and burned so much brighter after everything they’d shared on the trip, and through all the pain of the last few months apart. She still loved Hayley. She would never not love Hayley. A world where she didn’t love Hayley seemed cold and impossible. What a terrible thing she had done by not believing in their love.

Could Anna have been wrong about not wanting to travel? She’d got so comfortable in her world that she’d let her curiosity about the wider world dim. She’d got so used to avoiding change to manage her anxiety that she’d forgot how to live. She’d stopped seeing the wonder in things.

Regret filled every corner of her being. A horrible knot gripped her stomach. She’d chosen safety over the love of her life. There was no denying how unforgivably stupid and cowardly she had been. She’d made the worst mistake of her life in turning Hayley away.

She had to make it right.

***

Anna had to concentrate extra hard on her drive home to Balbuinidh after seeing her parents. The lights changed from red to green, much like what was happening inside her heart. Her thoughts raced. Everything she thought she wanted was up for grabs. She felt like she was becoming the brave wolf she always wanted to be.

She had to stop clinging to a certain idea of what her life had to be like in order for her to be happy. Taking a leap of faith and exploring a new life with Hayley felt expansive. Her old self and the things she used to want didn’t feel right any more. It was time to drop her strict conditions and just go with this feeling. Maybe life with Hayley could be even better than she could imagine right now? Wasn’t that worth fighting for? As long as she was with Hayley, did it even matter where they lived?

The idealised image she had in her head of her and a new partner making a life in Balbuinidh and raising children was a hangover from the breakup with Tiffany. Holding tight to that dream probably helped her deal with the end of that relationship. And maybe she only wanted that settled life to help her feel more settled in herself, to calm the inner turmoil of the loss of Hayley in the first place?

Had all that talk of her future wife been a protective mechanism to keep her from getting hurt again? Because she’d pretty much ensured Hayley would hurt her again by behaving the way she did.

Hayley wanted children and a family one day. Maybe they could have those things together, when the time was right? When she thought about her future, all she could see was Hayley. She loved Hayley. She wanted Hayley. Their love was special, and they both deserved to take their relationship to the next level just like it had been inescapable for them to explore their physical connection on the trip. Anna had fallen in love with life again after being around Hayley. She was the most incredible woman she had ever known. Her spirit, her passion for life, and her kindness blew Anna’s mind away.

When Anna got home, she threw her keys in the bowl and washed her hands roughly. She had made a mistake in pushing Hayley away. And Kelly was right, she had taken a huge risk. How could she have been so weak?

Anna sat down on her sofa in the exact same spot they’d had their final conversation. She held her head in her hands and allowed herself to feel what was truly inside of her.

Pain.

At the core of this, she hadn’t healed from ten years ago. It still felt heavy. There was a sense of loss and abandonment. Loss at what could have been and years wasted. Years they could have spent and shared together. Hayley’s abandonment still stung, which was incredible since her head didn’t see it that way and she thought she’d moved on long ago. She didn’t blame Hayley. In many ways, things couldn’t have been any different.

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