Page 114 of Closer than Ever

But the more Anna allowed herself to feel her feelings about it, the more apparent it was that she had carried the pain of losing Hayley all this time. It had sat in the background of her daily life. Always there. Like the low hum of a refrigerator. Sometimes louder, sometimes quieter, but always there in the background, if she dared to stop and listen. It had defined Anna. Picking herself up after Hayley ghosted her had made her the person that she was today. She was proud of that in many ways.

More waves of acceptance washed over her the longer she sat there. It was warm and powerful and such a relief. She lifted her head and wiped a tear away. Hayley had hurt her in the past, but that was then, and this was now. Things were different now. They’d both grown up. What they’d shared this year went way beyond how they were at university.

Everyone was right. There were no guarantees in life, for anything. Everything was a risk in one way or another. All that mattered was that they loved each other for who they had become, which were only positive evolutions on who they once were.

Anna had refused to take Hayley at her word out of a sense of duty to her younger self. But there is no point in being loyal to an old wound that no longer serves you. It only keeps you stuck and living in the past. Healing from this and moving on was what she wanted now.

The way Hayley would hold Anna so tenderly and the way she respected her boundaries spoke volumes. Hayley had shown she was a safe person to be around, a safe person to be vulnerable with. Anna had found it hard to believe in Hayley, but as time went on, it became crystal clear. Hayley had proved to her that she was trustworthy. She couldn’t blame her for leaving for Europe. It might have been a bit sudden and untimely, and in the middle of an important conversation, but it didn’t mean Hayley couldn’t be trusted. Perhaps she just thought there was nothing more to say that could resolve the issue.

That Hayley was now messaging from her trip every now and then was a good sign. Like Hayley had said, they would always be in each other’s lives. Hayley was her person. That she was showing up for Anna and keeping in touch, despite everything, was the sweetest thing ever.

Hayley had repeatedly said that she loved their differences and liked how Anna grounded her. Maybe Anna just had to take her at her word and believe that too. Hayley had changed even on their short trip together. By the end, she was calmer and was even making plans. Hayley hadn’t constantly insisted they be busy and do things to the point that Anna felt overwhelmed. All the doubt Anna had when they got back to Balbuinidh was just her fear. Hayley could be forgiven for still being excited about being in another country and wanting to do things. What did Anna expect her to do?

Hayley deserved so much more from her. Had she lost Hayley for good this time? Had Hayley moved on already? Had Anna blown their one chance to ever be together?

Anna glanced at her laptop. All that mattered now was sorting out this mess. Her heart started pounding. She marched across the living room and picked up her laptop. Clarity and urgency propelled her to take action. She perched at the breakfast bar and let her fingers fly.

Twenty

The next day after work, Anna knocked on Kelly’s door, hoping she hadn’t gone home yet.

“Yes?”

Anna went in. Kelly was sitting at her coffee table looking at her phone, smiling slightly. She looked up. “Oh hi. What’s up?”

“I might be quitting the distillery. I’m not sure if I am yet but I wanted to give you a heads up. I’ve changed my mind about me and Hayley. I’m ready to fly to the moon and back with her if that’s what she wants. I’m going to go for it.”

“Yay! Love wins!” Kelly put her phone down. “This is huge.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I understand. You want to be with her.”

“That’s if she still wants me.”

Kelly tilted her head, kindly. “You know she does.”

“I’m not sure that I do.”

“Have you talked to her yet?”

“Not yet. I wrote her an email last night. I told her how I feel and what I want. I’ve apologised for being an idiot.”

“You weren’t an idiot. You were right to air what was on your mind.”

“I’m scared she’s going to say she’s moved on or she’s had second thoughts. What if she just wants to stay friends from now on and nothing more?”

“There’s only one way to find out.”

Anna sat down at the coffee table. “Do you mind not telling anyone at the distillery yet? I don’t know what’s going to happen, if anything.”

“I won’t tell anyone. Please don’t worry about us. We support you.”

Anna exhaled. “Thank you so much.”

“No problem. Let me know when you know more. We could even look at another sabbatical, if that’s something you’d be interested in.”

Anna hadn’t considered that. “Kelly, you’re the best. It might be.”

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