Page 118 of Closer than Ever

The elevator pinged. At the door to her room, Hayley fiddled with the card a few times before it clicked open. Was she nervous, too?

The room was exquisite. The suite was large and airy, with a cute balcony. Hayley slid open the balcony doors and stepped out. Anna joined her. There were views across the central London rooftops, and a slight breeze.

“Sorry, just how rich are you again?”

“This is from the profit from the campervan sale. I thought I might go out with a bang.”

Anna’s heart sank. She didn’t want Hayley to leave tomorrow. “Why are you cutting your trip short?” Anna’s voice cracked with emotion.

Hayley slid a finger along the balcony railing, not meeting Anna’s eyes. “I’ve started to get more into my online business. Being in one place for a while will help me focus on it.”

“You can’t go,” Anna blurted out.

Hayley’s eyes widened.

“Since you’ve been away”?Anna swallowed. She had to get this right?“I’ve done a lot of thinking. I don’t want to waste another second of my life without you at the centre of it. I love you so much and that is all that matters. You’re part of me. I’ve always known it, Hayley. All the other stuff is just a bonus. I was just scared, and you know me when I get like that I can’t think clearly. I get disconnected from myself. But this is my head talking as well as my heart now. I’ll make it my life’s work to make you see that I do know what I want and what I want is you.”

Hayley parted her lips, just listening.

“I’m willing to change course from my old dream of a quiet life in Balbuinidh raising a family. I’m open to new things and I have you to thank for that. I’m up for more travel. I’m up for whatever. I’ve already told Kelly, and my parents are fully supportive too. You’ve helped me see that I can take a chance on life again. I can handle things.”

Hayley stared right at her, not even blinking. “What about how different we are? You said you were worried we want very different lives. Don’t our differences annoy you on a fundamental level that you’re not willing to put up with?”

Anna stepped closer and brushed some hair away from Hayley’s face. “I was freaking out. I love you. I’m so sorry I made a big deal about our differences. We are on the same path; I see that now.”

“But you don’t like it when I keep asking you to go out all the time. When I do stupid stuff and rope you into it.”

“I like it more than I realised. As long as you give me some breathing space to decompress, I’ll be fine. The truth is”?Anna exhaled?“you make me feel most like myself. You make me remember who I really am, and that person isn’t anxious and afraid, she’s strong and wants to live life to the fullest. It means a lot to me. I love that you give me that, and I hope that I give you the same thing.”

Hayley’s brow furrowed. “Why are you saying all this now? You gave me the impression you were really sure about the issues between us, that you were convinced it wouldn’t work, and that you had no interest in exploring where this could go.”

Anna turned away and leant on the balcony railing. She clasped her hands in front of her and hung her head, dipping her chin towards her chest. Hayley still didn’t know the true depth of her feelings and that had to be remedied once and for all, no matter how terrifying it was. “I didn’t just have a crush on you at university. Hayley, I was deeply in love with you. Like, embarrassingly so. You were my first love. I always assumed my feelings for you could never be returned so I never let myself believe that there could be something there or it could go somewhere. Because you were everyone’s favourite person, part of me never believed I was even good enough for your friendship. So, pushing away my feelings for you became second nature to me. So no, I never made a move. I pushed down my feelings. I pretended it wasn’t a big deal. I did anything I could to still have you in my life because the idea of losing you if you ever found out was too painful. And then you left anyway because you had to go home. We had sex but you never knew that I was deeply in love with you already. That I dreamed about you every night and thought about you every moment of every day. That I yearned to be close to you in every way possible. This is so embarrassing to admit but I want you to know that I’m not messing about here. Hayley, you are the love of my life.”

“Oh Anna.”

Anna took a breath. “After you left at the end of your time here, I kept having this recurring dream about you. I dreamt that we met up again. You came to my house and we picked up from where we left off. We made a meal together and there were friends around, like how it was. I told you that I loved you and that I never wanted you to leave me and you said that you wouldn’t. You would never leave me and I believed you. There was something so cathartic about it. I always thought it was my subconscious giving me what I needed most. I’d wake up and feel so sad it wasn’t real because in the dream you felt so fucking real to me. But then I’d feel like a heaviness had been lifted and it didn’t hurt so much any more. I moved on, Hayley. I left you in the past… And then you came back.”

Hayley was quiet for what seemed like an eternity. “Thank you for telling me that. I’m so sorry.”

“That’s why I struggled to believe in what we had this time around. I’d built up so many defences to avoid ever having to feel like that again.”

Hayley put her hand over Anna’s. “We’ve made a mess of this, haven’t we?” Her voice was soft and so gentle.

Anna turned towards Hayley, feeling more naked now than she ever had while they were having sex. “We have and I’m so sorry. I love you, Hayley. I want this. I want to be your girlfriend and travel the world with you. I think it would be amazing. How do you feel? Please say something and put me out of my misery here because I will ramble on all night if need be. I mean, I’ve even brought my passport with me so if you want to jet off somewhere right now, I’m with you. I’m that in. Just tell me how you feel.”

Hayley moved closer. “Baby, you ought to know by now.” She searched Anna’s eyes. “I’m in love with you. I adore you.”

Anna wrapped her arms around Hayley, pressing her body onto hers and hugging her tight. With her heart this close to Hayley’s, there was peace. “I love you so much,” Anna spoke over her shoulder.

Hayley buried her face into Anna’s neck, squeezing her even harder for a few seconds.

Anna massaged Hayley’s back with her thumbs, moving in soft and slow circles.

“This feels so good,” Hayley said. “I can’t believe I have to catch a flight in the morning.”

Anna pulled back out of the hug, triggered. Hayley was leaving her again. She quickly regained her composure and thought about whether she could get a ticket on the same flight, whether Hayley would want that.

Hayley had a contented, dreamy look in her eyes, like things were changing for her in real time. She was so fucking beautiful. Was she hers now? Anna didn’t have the heart to press her for a decision on her flight tomorrow right now. Anna was still processing everything they’d just said to each other, too.

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