Page 109 of Closer than Ever

Anna gripped the axe again and threw it down with more force this time. She had to use three swings to open this chunkier bit of wood. When she finally got it broken, the loud crack was satisfying.

After an afternoon spent chopping wood, Anna left some soup to simmer on the stove as she curled up on the sofa listening to the songs they listened to on their trip. Even though Anna had lived in this house on her own for a while, it felt empty without Hayley. There was no joy. No fun. No life. But it was her life. This was what she chose over Hayley. She shouldn’t be feeling this bad. She’d done this to herself. She had pushed Hayley away. She had chosen to be miserable when the woman of her dreams had asked her to take a leap of faith and be with her for real.

It wasn’t just that Hayley was an amazing woman who set her heart on fire, she was also her best friend. Her soulmate. Anna was rarely as happy as when she was with Hayley. She thought of floating in the sea on their paddleboards together looking up at the sky, and that night they had a picnic on the beach and went skinny-dipping. If Anna really searched herself, she knew, deep down, that being with Hayley felt like home. Her smile. The way she gently teased Anna for being the way she was, the way she would cuddle into Anna while they were sleeping, and her deep breathing on her neck as she slept.

Anna lay on her back. A cushion fell onto her face. She hugged it to her chest. She missed Hayley’s touch so much. It was maddening knowing how good it had been between them. How could anyone compare with that? Their intimacy wasn’t even about sex. The things they shared with each other went beyond anything she’d ever experienced. Their connection was on a cosmic level. No one calmed Anna like Hayley did. No one made her feel so safe.

So why the fuck had she gone against her true feelings and played this safe? There was protecting herself and there was plain self-sabotage.

Anna picked up her phone. Nothing new since the last time she checked. What she wouldn’t give to hear something from Hayley soon. She tapped into her camera roll and went through her pictures of Hayley again. Hayley at the castle, Hayley in bed in the campervan, Hayley roasting marshmallows by the fire with a goofy grin on her face. Hayley in her sexy little bikini. The two of them together at the seafood restaurant all rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes. That had been such a special night.

She rested the phone on the cushion and stared at the ceiling. Thinking about how wonderful it felt to fall in love with Hayley and letting those feelings in again filled her heart with so much warmth. The way they got to know each other again in a new stage of their lives and found out they had even more in common now – a love for nature and the outdoors, a shared taste in music, wanting children one day. All that talking and laughing they did. Sitting around campfires and gazing into each other’s eyes while harbouring their secret love. The look in Hayley’s eyes when they finally got together that night after skinny-dipping.

Anna let these special memories play over and over in her mind as a single tear rolled down the side of her face. She missed Hayley so much it hurt. She couldn’t stop the tears that followed and this time, she didn’t even try.

***

The gym was empty today, which suited Anna fine. It was her first time back in ages and everything seemed that bit harder. She was slower in the way she went about her routine. Much like her life these days. Life had become very dull. Days felt longer, and she felt more sluggish the more she missed Hayley. It was a strange feeling.

A bird landing on the ground outside a window in the gym caught Anna’s attention. It had a black mark around its neck and was a pale, pinky-brown grey. Was it a Collar Dove?

Anna shook her head and refocused on the kettlebell between her feet. It wasn’t going to swing itself. A message flashed up on her phone beside her keys and water bottle on the floor. She put the kettlebell back down and picked the phone up. Adrenaline coursed through her as she stared at the message on it.

Hi Anna. How are you? I’m in Venice. Thinking about you.

Anna gripped her phone and sat astride a bench. Hayley had been gone for a few months. Anna replied immediately.

It’s so good to hear from you! I hope you are loving Italy as much as you thought you would. I’ve been thinking about you too. How is the trip going?

Anna couldn’t explain herself through small messages. The only thing that mattered was that Hayley was okay.

Trip is amazing. Been to so many countries. I’m on a gondola at the moment. I wish you were here. I’m sorry I left so abruptly. It was shitty and I wish I hadn’t done it.

It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re safe and well. I’d like to hear from you more often, though. I’ve been going out of my mind here.

I’m sorry. I wasn’t in a good place when I left. I will text more. About the letter I left on the table, I don’t know what else to say other than what I wrote. I don’t know how to make things better.

Anna bowed her head. This was such a mess.

Neither do I.

I miss you so much, Anna.

I miss you too.

Nineteen

May 2013

The loch shimmered in the afternoon sun as jagged mountains surrounded them in a sort of cocoon. She hadn’t seen anything so beautiful since the first time she’d seen Hayley fall asleep. That was something special.

“Hey!” Anna squealed, jumping backwards on the beach.

“You’re so unguarded. And ticklish.” Hayley grinned. “A perfect target.”

Anna narrowed her eyes. “You’re a predator.”

“I have to get my kicks somehow.”

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