Page 31 of Closer than Ever

They locked eyes. Anna’s heart skipped a beat. “Uh-huh.”

A gentle pushing of Anna’s sleeve upwards toward her shoulder revealed the rest. A lone wolf’s head in front of pine trees fading into the background.

“You’ve got to tell me about this, Anna.”

“The thistles and the Celtic knots are about home. As you know, like most Scots, I’m very proud and so grateful to call this place home. I feel it in my bones, and I never want to leave. The leaves and the trees are about nature, which we’re all part of, and I value very much.”

“Fuck, Anna, that’s beautiful. I love the meaning. And the wolf, which by the way is super hot. What does that represent?”

“The wolf reminds me to have strength and courage in hard times, because I don’t feel like I have much of that sometimes.”

Hayley’s forehead furrowed. She let Anna’s sleeve fall. “Do you not?”

“No. Not as much as I’d like. But it’s okay. I’ve got my tattoo.”

Hayley laughed, nervously. “That’s a start. I think you’re stronger than you realise.”

“I hope so.”

“Do you have any more tattoos anywhere?”

“Yes.”

“Where?”

Anna hesitated.

Hayley waited.

Anna hitched up her t-shirt and lowered the waistband of her trousers an inch. Her tattoo sat just below her hip bone, in a very delicate place, curving around from the side on two lines. It was her favourite one.

Hayley read out loud: “If your nerve deny you, go above your nerve. Oh my god, that’s Emily Dickinson!”

Anna nodded. “You know it?”

“Of course I know it! I love that quote. It’s so beautiful, Anna. This is so cool!” Hayley lowered her head towards it, studying it. “It looks great on you. Where you have it.” Hayley ghosted her index finger over the quote, causing goosebumps to rise on Anna’s skin. “Very sexy.”

Anna let her t-shirt fall and pulled her waistband back up.

“Why did you choose it, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“It reminds me to push myself outside of my comfort zone. Like my wolf.” Anna touched her upper arm.

Hayley tilted her head and looked into Anna’s eyes. “I really love that.”

The rest of the walk went by too fast as they clocked in some miles surrounded by hills. It was so easy to spend time in Hayley’s company. Hayley drove them home via a stop in Aviemore and a quick visit to a café for coffee and cake. Hayley already looked so comfortable driving her campervan, as if the worries of her old life were long forgotten and she was already enjoying her time here. It was lovely to see and be around. Hayley was easy to please, a simple creature in some ways.

As they cruised along the scenic roads, Anna could visualise herself doing just this: being a tourist in her own country, coming good on her promise all those years ago to show Hayley Scotland, and hanging out with her friend and getting more time with Hayley before she left again. All she had to do was ignore this stupid crush and focus on being a good friend.

There was a reason Hayley came back to Scotland and their spending more time together felt part of it somehow. It was inexplicable. Whatever this was between them was never going to be solved by saying goodbye to Hayley tomorrow. Anna needed more time with her. And she needed some fun, despite how scared that made her on so many levels. With each mile closer to home, Anna came that little bit closer to her decision, even if it meant going against her better judgement.

Back at the house, Hayley was parking the campervan in a small space between two other cars outside the front garden. Anna had offered to get out and help but Hayley was having none of it. It was impressive and frustratingly attractive. But Hayley was frowning, which was unlike her. Her movements were heavy and lacked the usual life Hayley exuded. She seemed subdued. To think Hayley was possibly sad about leaving tomorrow was hard to get her head around. It wasn’t as if Hayley had ever made out that she was coming back to Scotland for Anna and her to travel together. But Hayley seemed to genuinely want Anna to go with her given how much she’d talked about it over the past few days. She’d been like a relentless salesperson coming at her from all angles. Perhaps Hayley was simply a true extrovert. When faced with the idea of months on their own, they would always reach out for company. Perhaps that was all this was.

Nevertheless, Anna had made her mind up. Life was too short to play it so safe that you stopped doing new things. Hayley was right, Anna did need to mix things up. If she was ever going to meet someone, she needed to get some more life about her. Sleepy little Balbuinidh had its limits, no matter how much Anna loved it there.

Most of her friends were now in long-term relationships, too, which made getting them to go out and do things with her that bit harder. Kelly, for example, was far less available to hang out with since being with Myla. Anna wanted to live a little because she was seriously forgetting how to do that these days. Hayley would be perfect for helping her get back out there.

In the end, Anna wanted to go on this trip. Having a good time just appealed. Most of all, however, she wanted to spend more time with Hayley, even if it meant torturing herself by being so close to her. Nothing was ever going to happen on that front, anyway, so it didn’t matter. Hayley didn’t like her in that way, and Anna was never going to open herself up to that level of hurt ever again. She was more than capable of putting her feelings to one side to avoid the pain of Hayley disappearing from her life again.

---