Page 70 of Closer than Ever

Hayley’s cheeks were burning. Was she blushing? “Yeah, me too.”

Anna couldn’t help it, even though it was horrifically awkward to ask, she just had to know. “But you didn’t… that night, you didn’t, you know.”

“Come?”

A current of electricity rushed right through Anna, causing an unmistakable gush of wetness between her legs. She had zero control over that. Anna cleared her throat, thrown by her physical reaction but trying to hide it. “Yes. You didn’t come. I assumed you didn’t really like me in that way. That you tried me out and it didn’t work for you. Or that I was really bad at sex. And then you sort of vanished – over and above going home. We could have kept in touch. You just disappeared on me.” Anna’s voice was emotional. She hadn’t planned on saying all that and she hadn’t expected to still feel so sensitive about it.

Hayley’s head dropped forward. “I’m so sorry.”

Anna looked away. “There’s nothing to apologise for. We’ve been over this.”

“No, Anna, there is. I should have told you what was going on with me and I didn’t. I shut you out and we never got a chance to figure things out.”

Anna brushed some sand off her toes. This conversation felt so necessary all of a sudden. Why had they waited so many years?

“I disappeared because I was embarrassed and because I didn’t know how to talk about it. It was complicated. I met Ryan and that prolonged everything and by that point I’d left it too long to get in touch with you about it. And then you were with someone, I’d heard. There was never a good time to talk about this kind of stuff, and then the time had passed.”

Hayley seemed cut up about it, as if this had plagued her for years, too. Anna just listened, hoping they could finally make sense of it all and move on for both their sakes.

Hayley leaned forward. “What I wanted to say – or needed to say – was that the reason I didn’t, you know, come, when we had sex was because I was feeling overwhelmed and in my head and…” Hayley paused and sighed. “The truth is I hadn’t had an orgasm with someone else before. I didn’t know how to let myself go with another person. Even you.”

Anna tried not to look shocked but was probably failing.

“I wanted to. I was so close. I’d never got as far as that with anyone else before. I’d got so used to faking it with guys but I could never do that with you. You were so beautiful and so sexy. The way you tried to get me to communicate with you. It was all on me, Anna. You were amazing.” Hayley paused and covered her face with her hands. “Oh god. This is so embarrassing.”

Anna ran her hands through her still damp hair, feeling a mixture of relief, elation, sadness and compassion. This was crazy. She couldn’t believe it. Hayley was always so confident. She gave the impression she enjoyed having sex with guys very much. There was such a new understanding between them. Like she could finally see Hayley clearly. Anna took Hayley’s hand, instinctively. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I understand how difficult this would have been to talk about along with everything else that was going on.”

Hayley squeezed Anna’s fingers, not unlike how she did when they’d had sex, and smiled with that mischievous grin returning.

Her touch sent more shockwaves through Anna’s body. She tried to ignore the heat burning up to the surface as they were discussing their deepest truths. “I hope this is okay to ask but, is it still an issue for you?”

“God no.” Hayley half-laughed. “That horse has well and truly bolted. I was young. I had a lot of built-up issues with internalised shame around my body and my sexuality. I was so tightly wound in the bedroom, which is ironic because my personality was like the opposite.” Hayley took a breath. “I’ve never told anyone that before.”

Anna smiled. “Thank you for sharing this with me. It really helps.” They were still holding hands. Anna’s breathing was shallow. They hadn’t talked like this for so long. Perhaps ever. It was so refreshing.

“I have no problems letting go any more.” Hayley’s eyes turned a little darker.

Anna gulped. “That’s great.”

“Are we good?”

Anna hadn’t processed any of this yet. Her brain was still stuck on Hayley using the word ‘come’ in a sentence about them having sex together. But there was this new lightness between them. “We’re good.”

Hayley held her eyes. “You know what. We should have dinner here tonight on the beach. Right here. We’ll have wine and cheese and watch the sunset. Would you like to?”

“Yeah.” Anna smiled. “That would be wonderful.”

They were quiet after that. Hayley went back to her book and Anna listened to some music on her headphones. She couldn’t focus on anything other than what they’d just spoken about, though.

A weight had been lifted from her shoulders, not just from the dark cloud that had been hanging over her about ruining things with Hayley, being ghosted by her best friend, and potentially being bad at sex, but from the knowledge that everything they’d shared back then wasn’t completely one-sided. Hayley had liked her too. This was incredible news, even if Anna had suspected. Hayley had kissed her first, after all. But having it confirmed was everything and very validating. Their emails after Hayley had gone home were very much lacking in maturity and transparency. Anna took a deep breath. None of that mattered any more. It was in the past.

But what about now? Where did this put them? Was Hayley still attracted to her? She’d seemed that way last night during the lap dance. Was it just physical or was there something more potentially? Anna’s poor little heart didn’t know what to do with itself. She sat there, as if suspended in time.

Later that afternoon, Hayley went to the campsite shop for some stuff for dinner. She’d insisted on going herself, and for Anna to stay at the camp and chill.

But Anna could not chill. She hadn’t come back down to earth since the revelations. She was freaking out and didn’t want Hayley to know about it. How could a simple conversation about how they came out to their families have escalated into such full and explicit disclosures of mutual attraction?

Anna got ready for the evening, taking extra care to moisturise. She even put on some light make-up. Anna’s eyes fell on the small bed at the back of the campervan. How were they supposed to share a bed for the remainder of the trip knowing what they now knew about each other? That they’d essentially sparked each other’s sapphic awakenings.

---