Page 85 of Closer than Ever

“I’d find that difficult to do. But you might be right about that. Take right now, for example. I’m focusing on this trip and”?Hayley paused?“us. It feels very nourishing and right. Like there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing right now.” A blush crept onto Hayley’s cheeks. “Getting to spend this time with you is very special, Anna. I hope you know that.”

Hayley’s words should have been comforting but they weren’t. Anna didn’t want a special, one-off situation. Although she didn’t know what she did want either. But her feelings were real, and they ran deeper than she cared to admit. Was this all Hayley could ever offer her? A fun but temporary time where she comes into her life and shakes everything up and then leaves again? Was that all this was to Hayley? The thought was like a kick to the stomach. She crossed her arms over her chest and sat back in her chair. “I’m glad you’re enjoying the moment.”

Hayley smiled.

Anna couldn’t return it.

“Life is just the moments we make, right?” Hayley looked into Anna’s eyes, dreamily. “It’s all we remember when we look back.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean the daily humdrum isn’t important. It’s the small things that all add up.”

“I love how grounded you are.”

“I don’t know about that. My anxiety.”

“It sure seems like you are.”

“I mask it well.”

“With me?”

“Actually no. I am less anxious when I’m around you. Talking to you makes my anxiety disappear. You have a good impact on me.”

Hayley smiled. “I’m very happy to hear that.”

Anna smiled, slightly uncomfortable at how vulnerable she’d just made herself.

Hayley reached across the table and held her hand. “Well, you make me feel grounded. I feel like I’m more centred in myself when I’m with you. Being around you just feels so good, Anna.”

The waiter came to take away their main course and dessert menus were quickly placed on the table. Hayley studied hers while Anna quietly contemplated the impact of their statements. It was true. Hayley calmed her down. She was better around her. Perhaps even the best version of herself. And apparently she made Hayley feel more centred, too. It was amazing and inexplicable.

But they were so different. Hayley wanted to live an adventurous life and to travel around. That didn’t suit Anna. She didn’t want that. This trip was pushing it a bit far for her, and it was only in her own country. Anna wanted to settle down and start a family with her future partner. Hayley had said she would be open to a version of that life one day, but Anna couldn’t picture what Hayley had meant by it, even if it had sounded good at the time, the way Hayley had described it. Kids needed to stay in one place, didn’t they? Stability.

“Are you having any dessert?” Hayley looked right into Anna’s eyes over the candlelight, as if thirsty for her attention again, bringing Anna back to the present.

“Oh, right. Yes.”

After they spoke to the waiter, Anna continued to focus on Hayley, trying to better understand her. That was all she wanted, really. To understand her. To know her. To love her, in whichever way was best for both of them. Given the fact that she was now a fool in love running dangerously close to the edge of breaking her heart again, it made sense to dig a little deeper on Hayley’s future plans. Hayley couldn’t travel around forever, could she? “Have you had any more ideas on your next step, career wise? You had a ton of different options the last time we spoke about it.”

Hayley smiled. She reached out and held Anna’s hand across the table again. It was such a small act, but for Anna it felt very loving.

“I have been thinking about it. I’m leaning towards starting my own business. Doing stuff online. I could do freelance design and travel vlogging. Maybe start a YouTube channel. I would be quite happy working as a digital nomad from anywhere in the world. The longer I spend on this trip, the less I can see myself going back to a real job.”

“What’s the design stuff? I meant to ask.”

“I took loads of courses in digital media and design. I set up a few accounts and a website and built up some skills on the side. Basically, I can do the graphics for anything people want to display online. I even did a couple of book covers for my friend who’s just starting out as an author. It could be a way to do something useful and help people out in a fun and creative way. And I could use it for my travel vlogging stuff. I thought, why not combine the two? Travel and design.”

“That all sounds great. It suits you.”

Anna was happy that Hayley would be doing things that made her happy and living the life she wanted. But it didn’t stop Anna from feeling disappointed. Ultimately, they wanted different things and different lives. They were going in different directions. And it made Anna sad. When it came to Hayley, it appeared she would never learn.

“By the way, I have loads of photos and videos of our trip already. Would you mind if I shared some pictures of us together? I’m thinking of starting a new Instagram account about my travels.”

“No, not at all. Just don’t post anything too unflattering, and I’m good.”

Hayley, who was still holding her hand, ran her thumb over Anna’s knuckles. “Literally nothing about you is unflattering.”

Their desserts came. Anna finished hers first. Hayley savoured every bite. In the end, Anna just sat there staring at Hayley’s mouth. Some things between them would never change. She was powerless in the face of her love for Hayley and too tired to fight it after such a wonderful day together. Reality and impending doom could wait a little longer.

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