Page 98 of Closer than Ever

“Which side do you want?” Hayley said, at the foot of it. “I forgot to ask you.”

“Either.”

“Let’s just see what happens then.” Hayley got under the covers.

Hayley was so firmly now in the centre of Anna’s life. But something wasn’t right. She couldn’t fully relax. Why wasn’t she happier that her dream had come true?

“Are you getting in?” Hayley said, making herself comfortable.

Anna slid under the covers and rested her head on the pillow. She lay on her back, quite rigid.

Hayley stroked her neck and smiled with that glint in her eye. “I’ve been thinking about you all day.” She traced her finger down the centre of Anna’s neck and chest, all the way to her tummy button.

“I’ve been thinking about you, too.”

“Oh yeah?” Hayley cuddled into her.

Anna’s mind tortured her with thoughts of the future. Why couldn’t Hayley just move in and get a job at the distillery and tell her she loved her ten times a day and never leave? Why was Hayley not acknowledging the block in the road when it came to them? What the fuck were they doing pretending that things were going to be okay?

The next day at work Anna struggled to concentrate, which didn’t help since she had a lot to get done. She hadn’t slept well. When she got a spare moment at lunchtime, she messaged Hayley and they chatted for a bit. Hayley was at a shop in town buying new camera and video equipment for her next adventure. This dampened Anna’s spirits even further.

She hid in the back office attempting to do some invoices and failing miserably to get anything done. What was she doing getting so attached to a woman who wasn’t sticking around? Even if it was Hayley? Especially because it was Hayley. Her heart was so vulnerable. It wasn’t a given that the friendship would be unaffected if things didn’t work out, despite what Hayley had said about that. And how could she bear a friendship with someone she loved so deeply? She hadn’t known her feelings for Hayley were going to come back and grow into something so beautiful and overwhelming like this. But even if she had, she would have been powerless to have acted any differently. And she wouldn’t have wanted to. What they shared was special, and she would cherish it for the rest of her life. Maybe this was all they were ever going to have. Because a real relationship with Hayley could go nowhere. Was she trying to mentally detach, trying to convince herself that it couldn’t last, as a way to make it less painful when Hayley chose freedom over her? Hayley had left her ex because she felt stifled. Tiffany had left Anna because she felt caged. Anna wanted to protect herself from the pain that Hayley’s rejection would inflict. Because she might never recover a second time.

The anxious feeling in her gut wouldn’t let up. It got worse and worse each hour, it felt, while Hayley was living her best life getting all excited for the next part of her trip. She went about the rest of her day feeling sad and trying not to let her feelings show to her colleagues or visitors. She took her job seriously and maintaining her reputation as upbeat, friendly and professional was important to her.

Around four-thirty Kelly came into the bar, all smiles and bright eyes. It was so good to see her.

They hugged and Kelly took her usual spot on a stool at the bar. “So, you got together? How are you feeling? How was the trip?”

Anna sat on the stool next to her friend and boss. “I had the time of my life.” She smiled. She couldn’t help it. “It was incredible. But I feel like I’m sleepwalking into a disaster, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

“What do you want? What does Hayley want?”

“We want different things. That’s the problem. She wants to travel and live this carefree spontaneous life and I, well, I don’t want that. She wants to keep her options open. She’s just going to leave me, eventually. I can feel it. I don’t know why life has put us in this impossible fucking situation.”

“Have you talked to her about any of this?”

“Not really.”

Kelly gave her a gentle but disapproving look.

“I know. I know.”

“Would you consider going travelling? Or moving to America?”

Anna thought about it. “I might. But to be honest, I don’t really want that. I want to settle down. Here, preferably.”

“How is she?”

“She’s delaying her trip to Europe to stay with me for a bit longer.”

“Well that’s a good sign, isn’t it? Talk to her.”

“Do you think I’m a fucking monumental idiot for getting involved with her?”

“Oh, Anna. Of course I don’t. The heart wants what it wants.”

“We connected on so many levels, it was fucking insane. I fell in love with her again. But this time, so much harder and so much deeper. I don’t know how I let this happen again.”

---