Page 53 of Fling

‘No it’s not, feminism is about hating men.’

‘Are you really mansplaining feminism to me right now?’ Tara asked, putting him on the spot.

‘No, I’m just trying to make you understand things from a man’s point of view,’ Colin said defensively.

‘Great, so now you’re mansplaining mansplaining,’ Tara said, at her wits’ end. ‘You know, men should really be grateful women want equality and not revenge!’

‘All you do is complain about men even though I’m literally the most perfect husband anyone could possibly ask for!’ Colin said.

‘And so humble,’ Tara said, rolling her eyes.

‘Why are you rolling your eyes? I’m literally the most humble person in the world!’

‘Yeah . . . clearly.’

‘In every argument you play the victim because you can’t take any kind of personal criticism whatsoever,’ Colin said.

‘YES I FECKIN’ CAN TAKE CRITICISM!’ Tara screamed.

‘Yeah . . . clearly. I can’t remember a single time you admitted you were wrong.’

‘Well, I’m not always right but I’m never wrong.’

‘You see, Dr Burke? I can’t win.’ Colin shrugged. ‘She emasculates me because she failed feminism in college and has something to prove.’

‘I did not fail, I got forty-nine per cent and I was unfairly marked!’

‘Aww, would you like some dip for that chip on your shoulder?’

‘Name one way I emasculate you!’ Tara demanded.

‘It’s the little things. Like wanting me to sit down every time I pee, for example!’

‘Well, that just means a cleaner bathroom for everyone.’ Tara shrugged.

‘And then, of course, there’s the time you made me get my foreskin cut off,’ Colin said.

‘Colin, it wasn’t a foreskin, it was a fiveskin!’ Tara said. ‘And it looks so much better circumcised.’

‘But you said we would have more sex after I got circumcised, which turned out to be a complete lie,’ Colin said.

‘That brings me to my next question,’ Dr Burke said. ‘How are things in the bedroom?’

‘Not good, doctor,’ Tara answered a little too quickly.

‘Finally, something we agree on,’ Colin said, throwing his arms in the air. ‘I’m practically married to a nun.’

‘Oh that is so unfair. I am a very sexual person!’

‘Then why haven’t we had sex in two hundred and seventeen days?’

‘Jesus, do you have a spreadsheet for all the days we don’t have sex or something?’ Tara said, shocked.

‘No I don’t. Because nothing is getting spread in our sheets,’ Colin pouted. ‘You just lay there. Dr Burke, one time she said “try not to wake me”. Can you believe that?’

‘That’s because you wanted to have morning sex. You know I like a lie-in on the weekends,’ Tara said, trying to justify herself.

‘It’s not just mornings. Anytime I want it, you never do! I’m expected to be a mind-reader.’

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