Page 67 of Fling

‘I’m sorry?’ Colin said in shock.

‘Yes, it’s official. We’re stopping eating all animals and animal products.’

‘If humans aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of food?’

‘Honeybun, it seems like you’re a little hangry. Would you like me to air fry you some Brussels sprouts for dinner?’

‘No thank you, babe. I’ve suddenly lost my appetite,’ he said, closing the fridge.

‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to be one of those vegans who keeps talking about being vegan all the time,’ she said.

‘You mean like you’re doing now?’ he said snidely. Colin knew he had to up his game. He rattled his brain for something that had driven Tara up the wall in the past.

Then, suddenly, a lightbulb.

‘As much as I’d love to go vegan, babe, now’s just not a good time. I need all my vitamins and minerals for growing my beard.’

‘Your . . . beard?’ she asked, taken aback. ‘Colin, you tried to grow a beard before, remember?’

‘Yeah, but I didn’t really commit to it. I should have given it more time.’

‘You gave it six months and it was just random patches of black, grey and ginger hair. You looked like a registered sex offender!’ Tara said, petrified that he was serious.

‘But this time, I’m going all in. I’ll need to give it a good year. It’ll all be worth it in the end. Now, if you’ll excuse me, babe, I’m going to go watch the match in my man cave,’ he said, heading into the living room.

‘I THINK YOU MEAN ZEN DEN!’ she yelled after him.

Tara realized she wasn’t getting anywhere. He seemed to be playing some kind of game of his own. Or perhaps he was playing her at her own game, she couldn’t tell.

Either way, it was time to up the ante.

‘You get comfortable and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea,’ Tara called into the living room, boiling the kettle. Colin took his tea in a very specific way, with the teabag soaking for at least sixty seconds and with barely a thimble of full-fat milk. There was nothing he hated more than weak, milky tea. Once the kettle had boiled, Tara put the teabag in Colin’s least favourite mug and stirred it for less than five seconds before taking it out. She then filled the mug up with the newly purchased almond milk until the tea turned white.

Having rearranged the furniture back to normal, Colin was already watching Manchester United play Liverpool on the TV. He faintly heard Tara creep into the room like a silent assassin. He knew she was up to something but he couldn’t figure out her endgame. Only one thing was certain.

They were engaged in a battle of wits.

‘TEA TIME!’ she shouted, nearly lifting him off the couch.

‘JESUS! You certainly know how to keep me on my toes, babe,’ he said, taking his cup of tea.

The second his lips touched the hot liquid, he knew something was wrong.

‘How is it, honeybun?’ she said, smiling like a parody of a fifties housewife.

Colin wanted to spit the disgusting contents of his mouth out all over the room, but he was determined to keep his composure. ‘Just perfect, babe,’ he replied, not giving her the satisfaction.

He placed his mug down on the coffee table, directly beside one of the coasters, something he knew would drive Tara crazy. Tara almost winced when she saw what he had done but she bit her tongue and feigned a painful smile instead.

‘I hope you don’t mind, but I called your mother earlier to find out what time you were born at.’

‘And why exactly did you do that?’ Colin asked, genuinely puzzled.

‘So I could give you a full astrological birth-chart reading, silly!’ she squeaked, as she took out her phone.

‘Let me guess? Mercury is in Lucozade again?’

‘It’s retrograde, honeybun,’ she said, opening a zodiac app on her phone. ‘So we know your sun is in Taurus but did you know your moon is in Leo? Makes so much sense now that I think about it. And listen to this. Uranus is in Cancer!’

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